Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Sixers Owner Josh Harris: ‘I Think The Season Has Been A Huge Success’

HUGE SUCCESS.

josh harris

(Elizabeth Robertson/Philadelphia Inquirer Staff Photographer)

espn“When we lose, even in New York, kids come up to my family’s kids and say, ‘Hey, the Sixers lost 26 in a row. How do you like that?’” Harris said. “We don’t like that. This is my doorman, he says to me, ‘Hey, can’t you get those players going?’” “I think the season has been a huge success for us,” Harris said Friday. Give Harris credit for his honesty. The Sixers hold two lottery picks (one via a trade) and never were shy about admitting they had to tank — make that, rebuild — this season in order to start their hopeful championship track. “We don’t use that word,” Harris said of tanking. “We don’t want to be 41-41. We don’t want to be one-and-done,” Harris said. “We want this team, this city to be proud of the Sixers. We want to be proud of the Sixers.” Harris said the Sixers need at least two to four elite players to become a player again in the NBA. Could two lottery picks plus Noel and Carter-Williams serve as the ingredients in the magic formula that helps lead the Sixers to their first championship since 1983? “All these pieces are in place to make this an elite team that will compete consistently for the NBA championship,” Harris said. “There’s no shortcuts to it. Unfortunately, it takes a long time. I’m really happy with the progress.” Harris has faith in general manager Sam Hinkie to make the right calls, and he gave first-year coach Brett Brown an A for his leadership under trying circumstances. He also thanked the fans for sticking with the Sixers.

Kind of happy I don’t have any kids right now because — besides billions of other reasons — how do you explain to them why this dude is right?

“Well, son, it’s because of a broken NBA lottery system that incentivises losing in order to improve a team’s ability to land a superstar. The NBA is a superstar-driven league, so without the cap room available to bring in a max-contract salary and enough young talent to make the city a yearly contender, they’d never be desirable to superstars and would really just be spinning their wheels in mediocrity.”

I’m going to be a terrible father.

Love Josh’s honesty. Guess you don’t become a creepy super-billionaire by being scared to speak the truth. “We don’t want to be 41-41. We don’t want to be one-and-done.”

Exactly. Sometimes you gotta tank. No shortcuts.

And because I don’t want to spend more than two words on him, let’s just say Marcus Hayes’ last Sam Hinkie article was “fucking stupid”.

By maurice posted April 19th, 2014 at 12:58 PM

Fire Of Epic Proportions Being Battled In Sea Isle Right Now

Right behind the Springfield Inn.

SEA ISLE CITY — Several homes have reportedly been damaged by a fire that broke out near the beachfront of a Jersey Shore community, according to breaking Associated Press reports. Authorities say no injuries have been reported in the smoky fire, which broke out late Friday afternoon in Sea Isle City. But the cause of the fire has not yet been determined. Multiple fire companies are battling a blaze, which involved at least two condominium units, but it’s not clear if they were occupied. Authorities say windy conditions were also hampering the firefighting efforts. The blaze at 78th Street and Pleasure Avenue was upgraded to a two-alarm fire shortly before 5 p.m. on Friday, according to emergency scanner reports. Three dwellings were fully involved as of 4:53 p.m. Winds were reported to be pushing the flames and a water supply tanker was on the scene.

Right behind the Springfield Inn. Here’s to hoping everyone is alright. Many a makeouts have gone down in that Gazebo. Will any luck everything will be rebuilt just in time for the entire Delco population to swoop in to tear it down again.

By smitty posted April 18th, 2014 at 7:23 PM

Caitlin Wynters Sexy Easter Taking Us Into The Weekend

Was over here racking my brain about how to head into this holiday weekend when I decided to stop overthinking it and simply follow my heart. So I went to YouTube, typed in “Sexy Easter”, and this was one of the top videos. It’s one of the holiest days on the Christian calender. So naturally [...]

Was over here racking my brain about how to head into this holiday weekend when I decided to stop overthinking it and simply follow my heart. So I went to YouTube, typed in “Sexy Easter”, and this was one of the top videos.

It’s one of the holiest days on the Christian calender. So naturally we have to eat chocolate, find colored eggs, dress women as slutty bunnies, and smoke as much weed as we can find. What a great time to be alive!

Have a great weekend!

By maurice posted April 18th, 2014 at 5:30 PM

Of Course There’s A Woman Out There Shoving Paint Filled Eggs Up Her Vag Then “Laying” Them In The Name Of Art

Of course there is.

YouTube – An upright standing nude on a loft… One with ink and acrylic fueled egg… A preserved canvas…

What the spectators are about to expect, is the compressed birth of a piece of art.

Slowly the egg leaves the natal canal of the artist and smashes on the canvas, red colour flows out. The next egg contains another colour and so bit by bit, accompanied only by loud “Plops”, an abstract art work originates — archaically, uncontrollably and intuitively. At the end of this almost meditative art birth performance the stained canvas is folded up, smoothed and unfolded to a symmetrically reflected picture, astonishingly coloured and full of strong because universal symbolism.

The “PlopEgg Painting” itself releases a loose chain of thoughts — about the creation fear, the symbolic strength of the casual and the creative power of the femininity. A comparison to wild associations arises and by the intensity of the seen and experienced, one becomes clear: the art needs like so often the corporeity to be able to manifest itself.

Milo Moire’s performances start with daydreaming, with (every)daily, personal physical experiences which condense by wild associations to an internal whole piece of art about to mature and enter the world. The corporeity becomes the need for her artistic expression to make the happened – also for the spectator – experienceable. Milo Moire describes her art, as an „art led by intuition. To create art, I use THE original source of the femininity — my vagina”.

Milo Moire opens her performance cycle “The PlopEgg Painting Performance # 1 – A Birth of a Picture” on the famous art fair Art Cologne — a place at which the art gets involved in the flirtation with big figures. The hashtag 1 stands for the first Art-Birth-Picture. Other performances should follow worldwide.

Within the context of art (performance), commerce (art fair) and opinion creation (media) a deliberate-accidental creation act happens, which instantly provokes ambivalent interpretations. „In my art i try to create mental doors”, the artist says. And there is always at least one door left to pass through a mirror.

(Typical broad. Takes 20 minutes to explain something when it could be done in 2 seconds. 4 words: Naked Egg Queef Art. Done and done)

And people say art is dead. Michelangelo. Da Vinci. Picasso. All are pale in comparison to this grown woman shoving paint filled eggs up her cooch and laying them out like some sort of Pterodactyl porn. She’s just expressing her artistic views of birth. Maybe if I go and start rubbing one out on the Art Museum steps and call myself an artist we’ll have another gig on our hands. Plenty of bums down there already giving away their birth-inspired art publicly for free. Place out a canvas, name it MONEYSHOT: A Nina Agdal Piece and sell it for $10 a pop. Could probably create 3-4 good works every 24 hours. 5+ if YouJizz gets a big shipment in that day.

Love how she’s covered for the insertion of the eggs. Because watching a woman squeeze them out of her fanny like a damn reptile laying eggs in the sand is naturally PG-13. Is there an uncensored version? I’m asking for myself.

UPDATE: Why yes, yes there is. Because if you’re going to get a virus that fries your harddrive it might as well be from illegally downloading some naked broad queefing eggs. Go big or go home.

By smitty posted April 18th, 2014 at 5:05 PM

Draftstreet NBA Is Giving Away $100K, Somebody Will Leave This Weekend With $20,000 More In Their Pocket

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP Oh hello there, I didn’t hear you come in over the sound of me counting the $700 I won last week through Draftstreet’s Master’s Tournament. You know, a completely separate tourney from NCAA one that netted me $5K earlier this year. Now it’s time to cash in with the NBA. [...]

draftstreet

money dance

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

Oh hello there, I didn’t hear you come in over the sound of me counting the $700 I won last week through Draftstreet’s Master’s Tournament. You know, a completely separate tourney from NCAA one that netted me $5K earlier this year. Now it’s time to cash in with the NBA. It’s playoff time. Time to get paid…again.

RULES:

NBA Playoff Big Score
-2-day contest for the games on 4/19 and 4/20
-$100,000 prize pool
-$55 entry fee, 2000 entries
-1st place prize: $20,000
-Top 300 places paid
-SalaryCap style draft

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

By maurice posted April 18th, 2014 at 4:30 PM

EVERYONE: Powdered Alcohol Is A Real Thing

Yes, you can snort it. But you totally shouldn't even though IT WILL MAKE YOU DRUNK AND AWESOME ALMOST INSTANTLY.

palcohol powdered alcohol

PALCOHOLPalcohol…because liquid alcohol isn’t always convenient. Since Palcohol is a powder, it makes it easy to enjoy a cocktail just about anywhere. That’s why we say, “Take your Pal wherever you go.” Imagine the possibilities:

1. What’s worse than going to a concert, sporting event, etc. and having to pay $10, $15, $20 for a mixed drink with tax and tip. Are you kidding me?! Take Palcohol into the venue and enjoy a mixed drink for a fraction of the cost.

2. Maybe you’re a college football fan. So many stadiums don’t even serve alcohol. What’s that about; watching football without drinking?! That’s almost criminal. Bring Palcohol in and enjoy the game.

3. Cruise ships charge so much for drinks. Bring Palcohol and the money you save can be used to win millions playing blackjack.

4. Who doesn’t love to hike…soaking up nature? Hiking is even more fun when you can enjoy a cocktail at the end of the trail.

5. Have you ever gone to a movie theater and wished you had a drink? I know!

6. We’ve been talking about drinks so far. But we have found adding Palcohol to food is so much fun. Sprinkle Palcohol on almost any dish and give it an extra kick. Some of our favorites are the Kamikaze in guacamole, Rum on a BBQ sandwich, Cosmo on a salad and Vodka on eggs in the morning to start your day off right. Experiment. Palcohol is great on so many foods. Remember, you have to add Palcohol AFTER a dish is cooked as the alcohol will burn off if you cook with it…and that defeats the whole purpose.

7. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room….snorting Palcohol. Yes, you can snort it. And you’ll get drunk almost instantly because the alcohol will be absorbed so quickly in your nose. Good idea? No. It will mess you up. Use Palcohol responsibly.

Palcohol is so convenient. It’s light. It’s compact. Yeah, we got that.

 

The absolute greatest part of this entire situation — besides that our country somehow legalized this shit — are the last three sentences on their site. “But don’t use Palcohol illegally or irresponsibly. Don’t do anything stupid with it. And whatever we mentioned about bringing it into a venue, ask the venue first if it’s okay to bring Palcohol in.” How hilarious is that? The entire purpose of this product will be do the opposite of all of those things. It will get used both illegally and irresponsibly. The entire purpose will be to sneak it into venues without them knowing and/or to use it before doing something stupid. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. Fantastic work, Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. Finally can score one for Obama.

Palcohol gets it because they cut right to the chase on the front page of their website. Yes, you can snort it. But you totally shouldn’t even though IT WILL MAKE YOU DRUNK AND AWESOME ALMOST INSTANTLY. Fucking Palcohol. These guys are playing all the hits. Don’t die, Stoolies.

FUTURE NEWS: Everybody At 49ers Game Dead, Palcohol-Induced Riot Ravages City

By maurice posted April 18th, 2014 at 3:54 PM

There Was No Greater Test For Manhood And Honor As A Kid Than The Easter Egg Hunt

This one's for the Gentiles.
easter

Survival of the fittest from ages 3-11. Every year growing up during the Easter Egg hunt you had one job and one job only, to collect as many eggs as possible while leaving the fewest survivors. However, there is a certain honor among egg hunters who engage in this sort of warfare. Unwritten rules that one must respect in order to participate that somehow not all followed. There are also parents and other spectators at these events who you would like nothing better than to hold down and have the Cadbury Bunny chew their face off. These are their stories:

The Kid Who Flips Shit Because He/She Sucks At Finding Easter Eggs

Life was rough for some 8-year-olds. Constant stress about learning what an adverb is (still don’t really know), they’re only good enough to play 2B and not SS in little league, they see their crush go out of her way to give your best friend her Dunkaroo’s during lunch. Just a day late and a dollar short getting on everything, including the Easter Egg hunt. The spaz tries hard to be a good sport and tries even harder to get as many eggs as possible but for whatever reason just isn’t good at life. Unfortunately ends up at best in tears and at worse the pre-pubescent version of Michael Douglas from the movie Falling Down.

The Pedophile Dressed In The Creepy Bunny Outfit

Usually some Dad who is 25 years fresh out of studying theater at a community college that wants to show the children a good time but ends up haunting their dreams until high school. Easter bunny suits should not exist outside of Furry communities and Donnie Darko. The guys at the hunt who really get into it will have a golden egg hidden up their ass, but that’s an everyday thing not just Easter.

Dad Who Hides The Eggs So Well Sherlock Holmes With A Map Wouldn’t Come Close To Finding Them

Dude almost does a better job of covering up eggs than he does covering up his hatred for family life. The man takes his craft like an artform and you gotta respect it. Will spend literally hours the night before hiding the eggs and if he really has a hard-on will map out where they’re all hidden. There may not be a child over 5’0 participating in the hunt but you damn well know there’s going to be some eggs on top of the basketball backboard or on top of a 15 ft tree in a birds nest. I fully plan on being this father.

Kid Who Steals Out Of Other Kid’s Baskets

Fucking scum of the Earth right here. They’re not good enough to find their own eggs so they attempt to capitalize off of someone’s hard work by stealing literally right out of another person’s basket right in front of them. Shouldn’t be able to do that till you’re old enough to vote Democrat. #ThanksObama

Suburban Mom Neighborhood Organizer In Charge

Mid-40′s depressed housewife who LIVES for the Easter Egg Hunt. It’s the only thing she has in here life where she can dictate control the kids and husband have less than zero respect for her. Will also try to impose an “maximum egg limit” on how many kids can take but is ignored by everyone just like her cooking blog and weekly editorials about Christianity to the local newspaper.

Older Kid Who Takes The Eggs In Plain View

If you’re over 5 and have all of your chromosomes, there’s no excuse for taking an egg that’s not hidden at all. None. Type of kid where you 100% blame the parents for giving them everything on a silver platter rather than teaching them about challenges and real life. Perfectly acceptable to Adam Vinitari soccer style his Easter basket into its resurrection.

The Overly Competitive Parents

The worst of the worst. Will knock another kid over to make sure their child gets the egg and then will brag to their son how well of a high school athlete he was. The type of parents who feel like their kid can’t do anything wrong and will do anything to make them succeed. Newsflash assholes: It’s a scientific FACT that your kid is going to grow up to be a failure if they are above the age of 5 and you help them in any way at an Easter egg hunt. GTFO of the way and let the children have the closest thing to the Hunger Games that their cushy middle class lives will ever get. Embarrassing.

By smitty posted April 18th, 2014 at 3:00 PM

GET ME THIS PYRO BOARD FLAME SUB WOOFER!

Can't wait for when they make a giant cube that spits music fire in six directions. Guaranteed Dante buys one and burns the first three rows of Stoolies at a Blackout Tour show.

[3:38 to go straight to the music]

Some will say, “But maurice, why would you need a flaming soundboard in your apartment?” These people are idiots.  They lack vision. Flaming sound waves are what life is all about. This is taking something that everybody likes (fire), taking something else everybody likes (music), and combining it into something dangerous to create something awesome. Fire + Music + Danger = Awesome.

Can’t wait for when they make a giant cube that spits music fire in six directions. Guaranteed Dante buys one and burns the first three rows of Stoolies at a Blackout Tour show.

By maurice posted April 18th, 2014 at 2:25 PM
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