BREAKING NEWS ACCORDING TO EMBIID: Joel-Hans Has Moved On From Kim Kardashian To Rihanna

From Tweet to Tweet and skank to skank, the legend of Joel Embiid continues.

Relentless. From Tweet to Tweet and skank to skank, the legend of Joel Embiid continues. Unlike with KK, Joel may actually have a realistic shot with this one. Rihanna loves the dick, and Embiid apparently has the bell of the ball hibernating between his legs.

I know Embiid isn’t talking about Locust Rendezvous. Doesn’t seem like his type of spot.

Actually, the man has come from the bushes of Africa to dominate American social media. He’ll fit right in anywhere, even at the dive that is Locust Rendezvous.

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 9:30 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Alyssa

Introducing Alyssa from West Chester University. Golden Rams coming back to the party with a winner. Where you other PSAC schools at? Step it up. Be an American. Send in a smoke —->

Introducing Alyssa from West Chester University. Golden Rams coming back to the party with a winner. Where you other PSAC schools at? Step it up.

Be an American. Send in a smoke —->

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 5:35 PM

No Biggie But Temple University Just Killed AIDS

Nice to see humanity finally being saved instead of shot at in North Philly.

PHILADELPHIA (CBS) – A scientific first from Philadelphia, that could pave the way toward curing HIV. 3 On Your Side Health Reporter Stephanie Stahl has more on the breakthrough. Instead of suppressing and treating HIV and AIDS, which is what currently happens, researchers have for the first time shown they’ve found a way to destroy the virus. It might not look like a typical operating room, but in a lab at Temple’s Center for Neurovirology researchers are performing surgeries on genes. Welcome to the front lines of genetic surgery. They’ve found a way to operate on DNA and destroy the AIDS virus. “It’s an important finding because for the first time in laboratory setting we show that the virus can be eradicated from human culture, cell culture, said Dr. Kamel Khalili, who led the research team. They developed molecular tools that can hunt down and delete HIV in cells.

BAM! The Temple Owls sent in the goon on the world’s deadliest virus and took it down. Great stuff from campus. If Magic Johnson didn’t already prove that an unlimited supply of money and resources can cure you of the HIV virus it would be bigger news, but that doesn’t matter. The important thing is it’s nice to see humanity finally being saved instead of shot at in the area. For once science gets FACED by North Philly for something other than advanced crime scene forensics.

Not really related but never thought about it till now:

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 5:20 PM

British Man Has A Superb Reaction When A Bolt Of Lightning Almost Melts His Face Off

Fuck. Me. Backwards. WAHOO!

Fuck. Me. Backwards. WAHOO!

Well played, old chap. If Zeus decides to throw that much high heat in my direction you better believe I’m at least hitting the deck and most likely shitting the pants. In which point I can be literally fucked frontwards, backwards, sideways. I don’t care. But this bloke is the Abraham Zapruder of recording lightning strikes while making sexually awkward quips out of fear. There’s no way I get any sort of footage or say anything that witty when 1.21 gigawatts comes that close to Kettle Corning my nuts.

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 4:30 PM

Wilmington Man Serving 15 Years For Attempting To Rob A Pizza Shop Doesn’t Give Up And Sues Said Pizza Shop For $260K

Talk about being a real sore loser.


DELAWARE – The first time Nigel Sykes tried to get money from the Seasons Pizza in Newport, he did it with a gun, forcing his way into the business through the back door.This time, Sykes is trying to get money from the pizzeria by suing the employees who tackled him and wrestled his gun away during the robbery. Sykes alleges assault in a federal civil complaint claiming the rough treatment was “unnecessary” and that as a result of the injuries he suffered during his attempted hold-up, he is due over $260,000. In his self-written complaint, Sykes admits, “I committed a robbery at Seasons Pizza” on Maryland Ave. on Nov. 30, 2010, just before 8 p.m. He admits he “displayed” a handgun and that an employee – a delivery driver and one of the named defendants – “handed me $140.” “That is when the assault began,” according to Sykes’ suit. “All of the Season’s Pizza employees participated in punching, kicking and pouring hot soup* over my body. I was unarmed and defenseless and had to suffer a brutal beating by all of the employees of Seasons Pizza,” he wrote, adding the beating knocked him unconscious.

Well talk about being a real sore loser. Pretty bold move to try to flip a $140 botched robbery into a cool $260,000 but I guess you gotta find a way to make that paper somehow if you’re spending the next 15 years or so behind bars. And who knows, maybe this bozo can Call Saul, manage to settle this thing out of court and at least get himself that $140 back. In the meantime, Nigel Sykes (not a bad name) may want to come up with a new career path once he’s done serving his sentence because it doesn’t seem like armed robbery has panned out exactly the way he’d like it to. The dude has three other pizza shops, two fast food restaurants, two convenience stores, and a bank on his rap sheet so I guess he hasn’t really given much thought to covering up his tracks. Either way, you can’t go down looking so I can’t say I totally hate this move. Especially since I’m not a Delaware tax payer wasting my money on this scumbag.

*Quick sidenote: Who in their right mind orders soup from a pizza shop?

By jordie posted July 22nd, 2014 at 3:25 PM

Roy Halladay Just Virtually Blew Chase Utley To Planet Orgasm On Twitter

Go ahead and add some stickers to those tweets while you're at it.

So Chase Utely won his 5th Phillies Heart & Hustle award which prompted the retired Roy Halladay to gush his heart out to The Man via Twitter. Love ya but just go ahead and add some stickers to those tweets while you’re at it.

I really, really, really wish the Phillies won one with Doc. 2011 was the year, and he did all he could. What’s even worse, that 1-0 shot to the heart was sadly the last real game the Phillies ever played.

Also, that’s the first time I’ve thought about Scott Rolen in 5+ years. That is all.

h/t Geoffrey

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 2:45 PM

Reader Email: Is This Shirt A Tad Too Aggressive For The Gym?

Big dick coming through!

Reader Email: Most aggressive gym shirt ever?

Saw this dude at LA fitness in city, pretty aggressive for someone chest pressing 110lbs

100000% agree with the emailer. The fact he bought the shirt, cut off the sleeves and then struggles to put up 110lbs on the chest press machine is the trifecta of douche. If any one of those facts weren’t present then it may be a different story. Guy looks like he’s squeezing the entire turtle out of his ass putting up that weight. Arnold in his Pumping Iron prime could pull off a shirt of that caliber. Maybe Lou Ferrigno cause everyone just assumed he didn’t know what was going on anyways, but nobody else. If this went down at a Planet Fitness that fatty comforting Lunk Alarm would burst eardrums.

Is it a violation of gym wear?

Vote 1 for Guy Needs To Be Pumping More Iron To Get Away With That and 10 for How Else Is He Supposed To Let The Men Know He’s Packing Heat?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (299 votes, average: 2.86 out of 10)
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h/t Sean

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 2:10 PM

Smokes Starring In Choose Your Own Adventure YouTube Videos Needs To Become A Daily Thing

Clear the schedule, there's a lot of Rabbit Holes to venture down.

Just like the books we all loved in middle school, but instead of rubbing one out because of the hormones it’s done out of choice and/or loneliness. Everything’s better as a choose your own adventure. Well, except in reality where there’s real consequences and every decision you make is the wrong one. But books, video games, TV – you name it. It’s great being in control of your own destiny when it doesn’t matter. How CYOA porn isn’t more popular I would never know. You get every option in the playbook and get the Win-win for all except for the girl who has to go through 100 different variations of fisting. You never know when your adventure will lead you to viewing someone getting Lobster’d by a bearclaw, but when it does, she’ll be ready.

And in case you failed to notice, Ana Cheria is an certified minx and a half:

By smitty posted July 22nd, 2014 at 1:20 PM
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