Starting later today because…I dunno, I feel like it. Keep it fresh and keep you guys from getting too comfortable. Two O’Clock.
The rules are simple: follow both the @tallmaurice and @PhillyBarstool twitter accounts and be the first to answer the 2PM question correctly. Then sit back and wait to receive your own individually-numbered Barstool t-shirt in the mail. Today is #8. The question will involve “8″.
Am I missing something here? Because I am truly having a hard time understanding a scenario where use of this auto driving/parking car doesn’t end with some Spanish dude cackling through the sunroof as he drives away with your shit. Which is pretty much what you deserve if you spend God knows how much on this car because you wanna save the ONE MINUTE of parking it yourself.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for self-driving cars. I’d just rather be IN THE CAR when it’s doing its thing instead of walking to the police station wondering if my vehicle at the moment is sitting on wheels or cinder blocks.
DM – A mother is furious with her daughter’s school after she was punished for taking a ‘gun’ made out of paper to school. Dianna Kelly, of south Philadelphia, says staff at D.Newlin Fell School over-reacted when fifth-grader Melody Valentin was noticed taking it out of her pocket by another pupil. She was scolded in front of the class, threatened with the police being called and even searched with other children watching the whole time, reported Fox 29. Melody was given the folded piece of paper by her grandfather the day before and claims she only got it out to throw away as she had forgotten it was in her pocket. A boy saw the crudely-folded piece of paper and called staff. ‘He yelled at me and said I shouldn’t have brought the gun to school and I kept telling him it was a paper gun but he wouldn’t listen,’ Melody said. She added that her classmates had taunted her, calling her a ‘murderer’. Ms Kelly says he daughter was punished so severely she has since been suffering from terrifying dreams. She said: ‘I’m waking up at 3am and my daughter is in the bathroom crying. She’s saying “I’m having nightmares, I’m having dreams about him (a school staff member) chasing me down the street”. ‘Why did he threaten my daughter? Why did he stand over my daughter and tell her that he should call the cops on her. Why did he try to scare her?’
Yeah, well, I’m sorry Melody but you understand. Can’t be taking any chances with guns in today’s political climate, no matter how flat and paper-y yours may be. Gotta take all of these matters seriously. NOW it’s only a paper gun, but if we let this slide paper guns will turn into paperCLIP guns and then the next thing you know we’ll have a mass semi-automatic stapler shooting incident in a Philadelphia school and everyone will be wondering where the administrators are. Well no need to worry, parents. They’ve got their eyes on the situation.
PS – The rest of her class calling her a ‘murderer’ is hilarious any way you slice it.
At this point for his own well-being I hope Manti Te’o is actually just a gay dude who did what he had to do to keep his orientation secret. Because if I’m an NFL GM I’d MUCH rather draft a gay guy then a top-tier college athlete who spends well over 110 hours on the phone with a girl he’s not fucking.
Attraction to dude butts is one thing. Conducting your relationship game like a tween girl is another. Never even kissed? Unforgivable.
As you get older and expand your understanding of the world and expand your circle of friends, you’ll no doubt encounter people — some of them pretentious Americans — who absolutely love soccer. Hey, it’s a free country. To each his own. It’s just a shame none of that changes the fact that soccer is for pussies.
I can respect the skill involved. I can respect the history. I can even respect the gamesmanship a bit. But I can never, ever respect what this guy is doing right here. Disgusting.
ABC – Manti Te’o briefly lied to the media and the public after discovering his online girlfriend did not exist and was a part of an elaborate hoax, he admitted in an exclusive interview with ABC News’ Katie Couric. The star Notre Dame linebacker, who has been hounded by the reporters since the story broke Jan. 16, told Couric in a taped interview Tuesday that he was not lying up until December. Te’o said he was duped into believing his online girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, died of cancer. ”You stuck to the script. And you knew that something was amiss, Manti,” Couric said. “Katie, put yourself in my situation. I, my whole world told me that she died on Sept. 12. Everybody knew that. This girl, who I committed myself to, died on Sept. 12,” Te’o said. ”Now I get a phone call on Dec. 6, saying that she’s alive and then I’m going be put on national TV two days later. And to ask me about the same question. You know, what would you do?” Te’o said.
“You stuck to the script, and you knew that something was amiss, MANTI.”
You ain’t no Brian Williams or Bob Costas, Couric, but at least you got half the job done. Got him to admit to the smallest part of the lie. Nice mediocre job.
The real winner here: Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. After all this fake girlfriend stuff dies down, all that’s gonna be left is a very average special teams player and Ronaiah’s exploding worldwide Christian singing career. Guy’s gonna be huge. Fake fans for years.
Welcome Jill from GCCC. The Barstool Philly reign continues. Bad chicks all over the place. Jill is the type of Smoke that a black man would walk through Gloucester City to see. And that’s saying something.
Remember to grip your Barstool Blackout Tour FOAM tickets for our Feb 9th Electric Factory show. Get ‘em HERE.
Again — all ex-Smokes get free tickets! Email [email protected] for details and use that same address to nominate Smokeshows at your school.
kiiitv – Senior Officer J. Rhodes observed a black Cadillac CTS parked in the intersection of Holly Road and Flynn Parkway despite the fact the driver had a green light. The driver then turned onto Flynn Parkway and was traveling southbound in the northbound lane. Officer Rhodes pulled the Cadillac over and contacted the driver Coral Li Rape, 23, who appeared to be intoxicated and unwilling to cooperate with Police. When asked to perform Standard Field Sobriety Tests, Rape “moonwalked” towards Officers. Officer J. Sanders placed her under arrest and booked her at the City Detention Center where she was also given a Breath Test. Rape was charged with Driving While Intoxicated with a Blood Alcohol Content over .15 which is a Class “A” Misdemeanor punishable by a year in jail and a $4,000 fine.
And here we have the funniest case of legitimate drunken Rape…probably ever.
Firstly — somebody in that family has gotta step up to the plate. Get it done. Rape is not a name that should have lasted for this many generations. Wouldn’t matter if your name was respected like the Kennedys or if you were billionaires because your great-great-great grandfather Donald Garfield Rape invented the abortion, Rape is not the type of handle you allow to stick around.
Now having said that, regardless of her name, I think Ms. Rape and I may have a future together. How trill is this chick? Drunk driving a Cadillac — check. Uncooperative with police — check. Moonwalking instead of performing sobriety tests — check. PLUS she’s kinda cute?
espn – PHILADELPHIA — Achraf Yacoubou was lost in a swarm of Villanova fans who had rushed the court, mobbing the Wildcats in celebration of one of their biggest wins in recent history. Yacoubou ignited the wild scene with a 3-pointer. It only made sense he was in the middle of the party. Yacoubou hit the tiebreaking 3-pointer with 3:57 left to help Villanova upset No. 5 Louisville 73-64 on Tuesday night at the Wells Fargo Center. The Villanova students packed behind each basket stormed the court after a victory coach Jay Wright’s struggling program badly needed. “Great win for us,” Wright said.
Little tougher than he thought getting over those last couple rows, eh? You just know immediately following this victory Jay Wright exuberantly impregnated every female orifice on campus. Butts, mouths, ears — everything. It’s all pregnant now.
Can’t say the guy doesn’t deserve it — look at this video! Look at this win over the 5th best team in the country! Look at his…12-7 record? Yikes. They’re worse than Rutgers.
So Big Cat blasphemously pointed out today that Leonardo DiCaprio was wearing cargo shorts and chastised him for it. First reaction was, who gives a shit? Leo is the certified tits. He can don whatever he wants, whenever he wants. The man could go to church wearing only a Snuggie covered in Swatztikas and giraffe cum and will still pull down any ass he wants with zero effort.
But all that got me thinking, is Leo currently the most desirable man to want to be in the world? Gotta be up there, right? The dude’s rich, famous, pulls anything he pleases, can do anything he wants. Granted, he’s 38-years-old which is a little up there to switch places with, but still a lot of prime ahead of him. Jack Nicholson didn’t reach his hey-day in movie star dick slinging status till his 40′s. But who else would qualify to be worthy enough to switch places with right now? Let’s discuss: Only stipulations are the person has to be real and it has to be where they are in life currently. Yeah I would love to switch lives with Vinny Chase or Superman or a 24-year-old Tom Brady or Derek Jeter but, that’s too easy. We’re playing on not only success accomplished already but potential here, people. And keep it to famous celebrities or athletes. Nobody cares about how you want to be a 16-year-old billionaire Saudi Prince who gets hourly rub downs by one of his 89 wives he’s also legally required to beat up.
Could’ve thrown about 1000 out there, but here are the Top 5 Nominees and the Winner:
Pros: Go anywhere. Buy anything. Meet anyone. Fuck everything.
Cons: Is 38. May be burned out from everything as he’s taking a break from acting to concentrate on saving the Earth. However, probably only trying to save the Earth to indirectly save the pussy. What a humanitarian.
FLORIDA – A North Fort Myers resident was tackled by a naked man who had leapt off his roof Monday evening – and the scene only got more bizarre from there. Deputies were called to 17000 block of Old Bayshore Road just before 7 p.m. to deal with 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni of Venice. The resident said he was lying in bed when he and his wife heard what sounded like thunder. The man went outside and saw Bruni running around on the roof. He allegedly jumped off and onto the victim, hitting him in the shoulder and knocking him down. Deputies say Bruni then ran into the house and pulled a large-screen TV off its stand and dumped the contents of a vacuum onto the floor. Bruni was then cornered but threatening to attack so the man’s wife fired three shots from a .38 revolver but missed. The arrest report says Bruni fell to the floor – but then began pleasuring himself. The resident got a shotgun and held Bruni until two deputies arrived.
Ah, Florida. The magical land where Ponce de León once traveled in search for the fountain of youth but instead found a bunch of guys hopped up on bath salts banging manatees and eating people’s faces off. Please never change. Honestly think this would be more surprising of a story at this point if the man DIDN’T empty the vacuum cleaner and start rubbing one out on the floor. And screw leaving without his pants, the dude’s lucky he walked out of there with a head. Anybody who uses the phrase “Hootin n’ hollering” to 911 while in distress owns a couple of shotguns and is just waiting for a moment like this to use them. Situation is a Redneck’s wet dream.
Also, killer reaction interview with the neighbor with braces. A+ analysis. Just a good thing they got him on camera before his dinner consisting of roadkill and recently decapitated Burmese Python. Stuff’s gotta be a bitch to pick out of that metal.
PS – The woman fired 3 shots and missed in an enclosed area with the man cornered? Only women and Harry Dunn can be that inadequate with a firearm.
Not sure if you saw this or not, but Grantland had a NCAA style tournament of Chappelle Show sketches. I’ll save you the time, and let you know that the Wayne Brady sketch makes it to the championship, knocking off both the Prince and Rick James sketches. I cant seem to wrap my head around this. Also, the Player Haters Ball somehow doesn’t make it to the Elite 8, but that is besides the point. Could it be that black people (the author of the article appears to be black) REALLY do love Wayne Brady that much?
Thanks for your help on this,
Zach (White Guy)
Hey Zach, thanks for the email. No need to tell me you’re a white guy — your name is Zach. Secret is out, bruh. But yes, I did see this and actually tweeted about it a bit yesterday. Didn’t see the winners until today, and now that I’ve had a chance to really think it over I almost feel like it’s my responsibility to clean up Grantland’s mess. The Tupac skit didn’t make it out of the first round. What!?
So here are my official rankings. The correct rankings. Keep in mind that I was a huge Chappelle fan before the show ever existed, and that my friends and I would regularly quote Killin Them Softly way before the days of the Rick James sketch or Lil Jon screaming “WHAT!?” My fanhood is legit. And I’m pretty sure I watched every episode the night they premiered, so my opinion in this matter should be taken as gospel.
THE RANKINGS! (And yes, there are a bunch that aren’t here that you may feel are deserving. I probably love those skits, too.)
10. Kneehigh Park
Life lesson: Believing that if you never give up and you work hard that all your dreams will come true is the gayest shit I’ve ever heard. Best quote:“That’s why…I say…fuck it.”
Life lesson: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Also, Prince can ball. Best quote:“Game…blouses.”
8. Tron’s Law & Order
Life lesson: The criminal justice system is heavily skewed in favor of those with money and influence. Best quote:“Then his wife threw her titties in my hand. It was weird, your honor.” “You GRABBED her titties…I SAW you!”
7. Black Bush
Life lesson: George W. Bush was a Thug Life President. Best quote:“Oil? Who said anything about oil? Bitch you cookin’?”
Life lesson: Tupac is still alive; Dave Chappelle loves Asian chicks. Best quote:“It might be doo doo!”
5. Wayne Brady
Life lesson: People, especially celebrities, aren’t always as they seem. Best quote:“Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?”
4. Player Haters Ball
Life lesson: There are haters everywhere and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Best quote:“Man YOU CORNY!”
3. Clayton Bigsby
Life lesson: Judging character based solely on race makes one appear foolish. Best quote:“I am in no way, shape, or form involved in any niggerdom!”
2. Mad Real World
Life lesson: Don’t look at her like that. Best quote:“Katie has some big-ass tit-tays…”
1. Rick James
Life lesson: Rick James had more fun than any of us ever will. Best quote:“I hit ya tonight…?”
Thanks to Dave for all the laughs. A legend of our generation.