South Philly Fifth Grade Girl Searched And Threatened With Police Action For Having Paper Gun In Class

DMA mother is furious with her daughter’s school after she was punished for taking a ‘gun’ made out of paper to school. Dianna Kelly, of south Philadelphia, says staff at D.Newlin Fell School over-reacted when fifth-grader Melody Valentin was noticed taking it out of her pocket by another pupil. She was scolded in front of the class, threatened with the police being called and even searched with other children watching the whole time, reported Fox 29. Melody was given the folded piece of paper by her grandfather the day before and claims she only got it out to throw away as she had forgotten it was in her pocket. A boy saw the crudely-folded piece of paper and called staff. ‘He yelled at me and said I shouldn’t have brought the gun to school and I kept telling him it was a paper gun but he wouldn’t listen,’ Melody said. She added that her classmates had taunted her, calling her a ‘murderer’. Ms Kelly says he daughter was punished so severely she has since been suffering from terrifying dreams. She said: ‘I’m waking up at 3am and my daughter is in the bathroom crying. She’s saying “I’m having nightmares, I’m having dreams about him (a school staff member) chasing me down the street”. ‘Why did he threaten my daughter? Why did he stand over my daughter and tell her that he should call the cops on her. Why did he try to scare her?’

Yeah, well, I’m sorry Melody but you understand. Can’t be taking any chances with guns in today’s political climate, no matter how flat and paper-y yours may be. Gotta take all of these matters seriously. NOW it’s only a paper gun, but if we let this slide paper guns will turn into paperCLIP guns and then the next thing you know we’ll have a mass semi-automatic stapler shooting incident in a Philadelphia school and everyone will be wondering where the administrators are. Well no need to worry, parents. They’ve got their eyes on the situation.

PS – The rest of her class calling her a ‘murderer’ is hilarious any way you slice it.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 3:06 PM

ESPN Has Manti Te’o's Cell Phone Records And It Turns Out He’s A 13 Year-Old Girl

At this point for his own well-being I hope Manti Te’o is actually just a gay dude who did what he had to do to keep his orientation secret. Because if I’m an NFL GM I’d MUCH rather draft a gay guy then a top-tier college athlete who spends well over 110 hours on the phone with a girl he’s not fucking.

Attraction to dude butts is one thing. Conducting your relationship game like a tween girl is another. Never even kissed? Unforgivable.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 3:37 PM

The Problem With Soccer Summed Up In 16 Seconds

As you get older and expand your understanding of the world and expand your circle of friends, you’ll no doubt encounter people — some of them pretentious Americans — who absolutely love soccer. Hey, it’s a free country. To each his own. It’s just a shame none of that changes the fact that soccer is for pussies.

I can respect the skill involved. I can respect the history. I can even respect the gamesmanship a bit. But I can never, ever respect what this guy is doing right here. Disgusting.

Way to be, soccer.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Jill

[Gallery not found]

Welcome Jill from GCCC. The Barstool Philly reign continues. Bad chicks all over the place. Jill is the type of Smoke that a black man would walk through Gloucester City to see. And that’s saying something.

Remember to grip your Barstool Blackout Tour FOAM tickets for our Feb 9th Electric Factory show. Get ‘em HERE.

Again — all ex-Smokes get free tickets! Email [email protected] for details and use that same address to nominate Smokeshows at your school.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Jill

[Gallery not found]

Welcome Jill from GCCC. The Barstool Philly reign continues. Bad chicks all over the place. Jill is the type of Smoke that a black man would walk through Gloucester City to see. And that’s saying something.

Remember to grip your Barstool Blackout Tour FOAM tickets for our Feb 9th Electric Factory show. Get ‘em HERE.

Again — all ex-Smokes get free tickets! Email [email protected] for details and use that same address to nominate Smokeshows at your school.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Jill

[Gallery not found]

Welcome Jill from GCCC. The Barstool Philly reign continues. Bad chicks all over the place. Jill is the type of Smoke that a black man would walk through Gloucester City to see. And that’s saying something.

Remember to grip your Barstool Blackout Tour FOAM tickets for our Feb 9th Electric Factory show. Get ‘em HERE.

Again — all ex-Smokes get free tickets! Email [email protected] for details and use that same address to nominate Smokeshows at your school.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Barstool Philly T-Shirt #8 Twitter Giveaway At 2PM

Starting later today because…I dunno, I feel like it. Keep it fresh and keep you guys from getting too comfortable. Two O’Clock.

The rules are simple: follow both the @tallmaurice and @PhillyBarstool twitter accounts and be the first to answer the 2PM question correctly. Then sit back and wait to receive your own individually-numbered Barstool t-shirt in the mail. Today is #8. The question will involve “8″.

Viva La Stool.



By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 12:35 PM

This Audi Self-Parking Car Is An Excellent Choice For People Who Love Having Their Cars Stolen

Am I missing something here? Because I am truly having a hard time understanding a scenario where use of this auto driving/parking car doesn’t end with some Spanish dude cackling through the sunroof as he drives away with your shit. Which is pretty much what you deserve if you spend God knows how much on this car because you wanna save the ONE MINUTE of parking it yourself.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for self-driving cars. I’d just rather be IN THE CAR when it’s doing its thing instead of walking to the police station wondering if my vehicle at the moment is sitting on wheels or cinder blocks.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 2:21 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Jill

[Gallery not found]

Welcome Jill from GCCC. The Barstool Philly reign continues. Bad chicks all over the place. Jill is the type of Smoke that a black man would walk through Gloucester City to see. And that’s saying something.

Remember to grip your Barstool Blackout Tour FOAM tickets for our Feb 9th Electric Factory show. Get ‘em HERE.

Again — all ex-Smokes get free tickets! Email [email protected] for details and use that same address to nominate Smokeshows at your school.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

If You Could Switch Lives With One Person In The World…

So Big Cat blasphemously pointed out today that Leonardo DiCaprio was wearing cargo shorts and chastised him for it. First reaction was, who gives a shit? Leo is the certified tits. He can don whatever he wants, whenever he wants. The man could go to church wearing only a Snuggie covered in Swatztikas and giraffe cum and will still pull down any ass he wants with zero effort.

But all that got me thinking, is Leo currently the most desirable man to want to be in the world? Gotta be up there, right? The dude’s rich, famous, pulls anything he pleases, can do anything he wants. Granted, he’s 38-years-old which is a little up there to switch places with, but still a lot of prime ahead of him. Jack Nicholson didn’t reach his hey-day in movie star dick slinging status till his 40′s. But who else would qualify to be worthy enough to switch places with right now? Let’s discuss: Only stipulations are the person has to be real and it has to be where they are in life currently. Yeah I would love to switch lives with Vinny Chase or Superman or a 24-year-old Tom Brady or Derek Jeter but, that’s too easy. We’re playing on not only success accomplished already but potential here, people. And keep it to famous celebrities or athletes. Nobody cares about how you want to be a 16-year-old billionaire Saudi Prince who gets hourly rub downs by one of his 89 wives he’s also legally required to beat up.

Could’ve thrown about 1000 out there, but here are the Top 5 Nominees and the Winner:

LEO -

Pros: Go anywhere. Buy anything. Meet anyone. Fuck everything.

Cons: Is 38. May be burned out from everything as he’s taking a break from acting to concentrate on saving the Earth. However, probably only trying to save the Earth to indirectly save the pussy. What a humanitarian.

Read the rest of this entry »

By smitty posted January 23rd, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Jill

[Gallery not found]

Welcome Jill from GCCC. The Barstool Philly reign continues. Bad chicks all over the place. Jill is the type of Smoke that a black man would walk through Gloucester City to see. And that’s saying something.

Remember to grip your Barstool Blackout Tour FOAM tickets for our Feb 9th Electric Factory show. Get ‘em HERE.

Again — all ex-Smokes get free tickets! Email [email protected] for details and use that same address to nominate Smokeshows at your school.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Barstool Philly Official Top Ten Chappelle Show Skits Ever Made

Reader Email

Hey Mo,

Not sure if you saw this or not, but Grantland had a NCAA style tournament of Chappelle Show sketches. I’ll save you the time, and let you know that the Wayne Brady sketch makes it to the championship, knocking off both the Prince and Rick James sketches. I cant seem to wrap my head around this. Also, the Player Haters Ball somehow doesn’t make it to the Elite 8, but that is besides the point. Could it be that black people (the author of the article appears to be black) REALLY do love Wayne Brady that much?

Thanks for your help on this,

Zach (White Guy)

Hey Zach, thanks for the email. No need to tell me you’re a white guy — your name is Zach. Secret is out, bruh. But yes, I did see this and actually tweeted about it a bit yesterday. Didn’t see the winners until today, and now that I’ve had a chance to really think it over I almost feel like it’s my responsibility to clean up Grantland’s mess. The Tupac skit didn’t make it out of the first round. What!?

So here are my official rankings. The correct rankings. Keep in mind that I was a huge Chappelle fan before the show ever existed, and that my friends and I would regularly quote Killin Them Softly way before the days of the Rick James sketch or Lil Jon screaming “WHAT!?” My fanhood is legit. And I’m pretty sure I watched every episode the night they premiered, so my opinion in this matter should be taken as gospel.

THE RANKINGS! (And yes, there are a bunch that aren’t here that you may feel are deserving. I probably love those skits, too.)

10. Kneehigh Park


Life lesson: Believing that if you never give up and you work hard that all your dreams will come true is the gayest shit I’ve ever heard.
Best quote: “That’s why…I say…fuck it.”

9. Prince


Life lesson: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Also, Prince can ball.
Best quote: “Game…blouses.”

8. Tron’s Law & Order


Life lesson: The criminal justice system is heavily skewed in favor of those with money and influence.
Best quote: “Then his wife threw her titties in my hand. It was weird, your honor.” “You GRABBED her titties…I SAW you!”

7. Black Bush


Life lesson: George W. Bush was a Thug Life President.
Best quote: “Oil? Who said anything about oil? Bitch you cookin’?”

6. Tupac


Life lesson: Tupac is still alive; Dave Chappelle loves Asian chicks.
Best quote: “It might be doo doo!”

5. Wayne Brady


Life lesson: People, especially celebrities, aren’t always as they seem.
Best quote: “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?”

4. Player Haters Ball


Life lesson: There are haters everywhere and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Best quote: “Man YOU CORNY!”

R.I.P. Patrice.

3. Clayton Bigsby


Life lesson: Judging character based solely on race makes one appear foolish.
Best quote: “I am in no way, shape, or form involved in any niggerdom!”

2. Mad Real World


Life lesson: Don’t look at her like that.
Best quote: “Katie has some big-ass tit-tays…”

1. Rick James


Life lesson: Rick James had more fun than any of us ever will.
Best quote: “I hit ya tonight…?”

Thanks to Dave for all the laughs. A legend of our generation.

By maurice posted January 23rd, 2013 at 1:25 PM
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