BOOM GOES THE GING! Kid sure does have a lot of soul for scientifically not having a soul. But seriously, should we be letting Gingers go extinct after this performance? Flaming Jesus here gives hope to an entire race. However, I’m still not 100% convinced this kid is what he seems to be. Decent chance it’s Marvin Gaye’s grandchild in redface. Especially since the carpet actually matches the drapes. Nobody would purposely open themselves up to be ridiculed that easily.
Also I’d like to extend an apology to my penis, especially. I put you in a position for a lot of your privates business to become public, penis. For that I’m forever regretful.
And to the young people who view me as a role model, remember: make sure you at least know the bum bitch’s name before hitting it raw.
“This is not who I am as a person, nor the image I ever wanted to portray of myself. It’s definitely not the example I want to set for my son.”
Whatever his name is.
“My Twitter account was not hacked.”
So…yeah I’m kind of a liar, too.
“I take full responsibility and I apologize for trying to make it seem like it was not me. Due to my bad judgment and frustration, I allowed a very personal matter to be played out on a social network, of all things.”
Usually it’s on the phone when we get into shit like that. Once it was by carrier pigeon. I was pissed off for weeks at a time.
“It was immature and unprofessional for me to do so and to encourage others to join in.”
But seriously, flood that bitch’s Mentions. She’s lied about being on birth control.
“As a parent, emotions are often magnified when there are stressful and emotional situations concerning them.”
Who’s “them”? My emotions. Even just thinking about them has ME SO GODDAMNED ANGRY.
“I take great pride in being a good father–”
You know, to Whatshisname.
“…and strive to one day be a great one. I’ve always done everything in my means to provide for my son financially, emotionally, and most importantly with my time and heart.”
But most most importantly with money and distance. Can’t spoil these kids by seeing them all the time.
“I am sick over the fact that my actions have caused pain to him and all involved.”
My penis had such a bright future…
“I have decided to handle this matter privately from here on out and I thank everyone for their continued support.”
GO BIRDS! Welcome to the pros, Chip!
Fo’ fo’ fo’. If you don’t know about that, you probably don’t know why I’m named maurice. Not that you have to know to win. You just have to be on Twitter.
Giving away another free super-soft American Apparel individually numbered Barstool Philly t-shirt today. Follow both the @tallmaurice and @PhillyBarstool twitter accounts and be the first to answer the 2PM question correctly and we’ll ship it to your place. That easy.
Viva La Stool.
Got caught up in the deep parts of the internet last night and ended up watching an episode of a show called Dinner For Five, which was hosted/run by Jon Favreau and featured 4 different celebs on the show talking about celebrity shit. Came out in the early 2000′s I guess. This episode was Faizon Love, Michael Rapaport, Sarah Silverman, and some British chick nobody cares about. It’s surprisingly funny so if you have the time watch the whole episode, but the biggest takeaway is without question Faizon Love’s straight up on-the-money perfection impression of Ice Cube.
Starts at 27:44 when Faizon begins talking about working on The Players Club, which was directed by Ice Cube.
It was like the first time I saw Sandberg doing the Marky Mark impression all over again. Had me rolling.
DM – A 71-year-old Connecticut woman has been arrested for prostitution after an undercover cop says he struck a deal with her for ‘sexual acts’ at a Homewood Suites hotel. Sygun Liebhart allegedly placed an ad on backpage.com under the escort section under the alias ‘Lola,’ according to police reports. An officer on the East Central Narcotics Task Force contacted Liebhart arranging for a hotel rendezvous, where she was later arrested. Another backpage advertisement listed earlier in January claimed the septuagenarian hooker was only 60, and was both ‘well preserved’ and ‘all natural.’ The ad contained a phone number with instructions that texts or emails would not be accepted, and that appointments could only be made after 8 p.m. In yet another advertisement, she described herself as a ‘truly mature escort with over 25 years experience in delivering a symphony of luxury and sensual delight to discriminating professional gentlemen both younger and older who can afford. T he best and who prefer their women a bit older but a lot better.’ You would likely enjoy her if you could ‘savor the charms of maturity and submit yourself to sensuous abandon in the arms of a genuine Cougar.’
All things considered the old bird doesn’t look too bad. After taking into consideration the high mileage and amount of shear abuse put on the old girl after her many years of service. Hooker years are like dog years. So if Sygun Liebhart has been turning tricks for 50 years or so, that means her body’s real age is 234 years old. And I’ll tell you what — this is without question the hottest 234 year-old woman I’ve ever seen.
Obviously the hardest part of doing business with a grandma hooker is communication. No texts or emails? No doubt this old piece just lounges in a tub full of Epsom salts waiting for her Flintstones bird phone to squawk.
“Symphony of luxury and sexual delight”? Yeah I’m gonna steal that one.
The Person Who Actually Took The Time To Make This Gangnum Style Flip Book Needs To Be Banished From Society Immediately
Anybody who dedicates this much time and effort into making something this pointless and out of date is a certified serial killer. No doubt about it. Just a Buffalo Bill tucking his dick between his legs and drawing a page at a time in between picking up the lotion in the basket. Granted, this may be out of date because it took the psycho 9 months to complete, but still, doesn’t affect the over/under on the number of bodies he has hidden beneath his floorboards is currently set at 7.5.
Socialist China my ass. This is unadulterated hardcore capitalism right here. Selling cans of oxygen because the pollution in Beijing is so bad people can chew their air? That’s the type of shit that could make oil tycoon well up with guilt. See what I did there? Oil…well…? Whatever.
What I’m saying is that Chen Guangbiao is nothing more than an American businessman trapped in a Chinese businessman’s tiny, bespectacled body. Like a little Asian Jerry Jones shaking his head while staring out at clean air, hoping for a little glory hole of smog to help usher in the post-free oxygen era. “Either huff on 80 cents of this ‘post-industrial Taiwan’-flavored air or die, proles.” Ruthlessness like that is as American as linebackers on steroids.
UPDATE: got two tweets about how could I not reference Space Balls “Perri Air” in this blog. Simple: I’ve seen Space Balls like once.
I don’t even care he’s not doing shit. I need him in my life. No greater pet to have than a helper monkey
Don’t know why “stripper pole fails” are even a thing. Who are these fraudulent stripper pole-producing companies saving money by using aluminum foil instead of reinforced steel? Everybody knows the sex industry is shady but some poor mother of three is gonna be whipping titties out and serving drinks from a wheelchair if safety measures on these things aren’t double checked. Strippers are a valuable American resource.
PS – Go ahead, Hula Girl. That chick’s fall ain’t got nothing to do with your performance.
What you have here is all the proof you’ll ever need that journalists / media people don’t read anything except what’s reported by other journalists / media people. Hell, I’m doing it right now. If Jeff McLane is wrong, I’m wrong. But I’m not this time. Everyone else is wrong.
The story that the Eagles need to cut Vick within the next week to avoid paying him $3 million never was true since they only have to pay him that money if another team doesn’t sign him for that amount. Somebody is going to pay Vick more than $3 million next year, because quarterbacks in the National Football League make more than $3 million. Especially those scheduled to make $15.5 million.
Should the Eagles give up on Vick and let him wander over to the Cardinals or Vikings or some other loser team? Sure — $15 million is way too high. But at least this gives Charlie Kelly a little more time to look at film and see if maybe Vick wouldn’t be worth the price if he could run some unstoppable triple option with DeSean Jackson and LeHerps McDickDoctor. Or maybe Howie can work a trade. Anything’s possible. We don’t know anything about Chip and the team doesn’t even have a Defensive Coordinator yet.
Regardless of what happens, Mike, at least we’ll always have that Redskins game.
Welcome Brittany from Marlton. We must’ve — in the words of Jerry Jones — hit that Smokeshow glory hole because over the last several weeks our Smokes have been hotter than ever. You’re welcome, everyone.
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