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Ugly Ginger Straight Up Destroys Marvin Gaye

BOOM GOES THE GING! Kid sure does have a lot of soul for scientifically not having a soul. But seriously, should we be letting Gingers go extinct after this performance? Flaming Jesus here gives hope to an entire race. However, I’m still not 100% convinced this kid is what he seems to be. Decent chance it’s Marvin Gaye’s grandchild in redface. Especially since the carpet actually matches the drapes. Nobody would purposely open themselves up to be ridiculed that easily.

By smitty posted January 29th, 2013 at 10:47 AM

My Need For This Arctic Monkey Currently Exceeds My Need To Breathe

I don’t even care he’s not doing shit. I need him in my life. No greater pet to have than a helper monkey

By smitty posted January 29th, 2013 at 7:34 PM

Stripper Poles: One Thing That Really Should Be Strong Enough To Support A Person’s Weight

Don’t know why “stripper pole fails” are even a thing. Who are these fraudulent stripper pole-producing companies saving money by using aluminum foil instead of reinforced steel? Everybody knows the sex industry is shady but some poor mother of three is gonna be whipping titties out and serving drinks from a wheelchair if safety measures on these things aren’t double checked. Strippers are a valuable American resource.

PS – Go ahead, Hula Girl. That chick’s fall ain’t got nothing to do with your performance.

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 4:40 PM

Turns Out Everyone Was Wrong About The Mike Vick Contract Situation, Eagles Can Take Their Time

philly.coThe Eagles have longer than the three days following the Super Bowl to decide if they want to keep Michael Vick without having to pay a guaranteed $3 million. The Eagles quarterback is due to receive that amount on Feb. 6, but the team is likely to buy time until the start of free agency on March 11 because of a provision in Vick’s contract. The Eagles would owe him the money only if no one else picked him up or if someone signed him for less than $3 million, according to an NFL source.

What you have here is all the proof you’ll ever need that journalists / media people don’t read anything except what’s reported by other journalists / media people. Hell, I’m doing it right now. If Jeff McLane is wrong, I’m wrong. But I’m not this time. Everyone else is wrong.

The story that the Eagles need to cut Vick within the next week to avoid paying him $3 million never was true since they only have to pay him that money if another team doesn’t sign him for that amount. Somebody is going to pay Vick more than $3 million next year, because quarterbacks in the National Football League make more than $3 million. Especially those scheduled to make $15.5 million.

Should the Eagles give up on Vick and let him wander over to the Cardinals or Vikings or some other loser team? Sure — $15 million is way too high. But at least this gives Charlie Kelly a little more time to look at film and see if maybe Vick wouldn’t be worth the price if he could run some unstoppable triple option with DeSean Jackson and LeHerps McDickDoctor. Or maybe Howie can work a trade. Anything’s possible. We don’t know anything about Chip and the team doesn’t even have a Defensive Coordinator yet.

Regardless of what happens, Mike, at least we’ll always have that Redskins game.

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Brittany

Welcome Brittany from Marlton. We must’ve — in the words of Jerry Jones — hit that Smokeshow glory hole because over the last several weeks our Smokes have been hotter than ever. You’re welcome, everyone.

Keep it rolling — nominate a Smokeshow by emailing us Facebook links:

PHILLYTIPS@BARSTOOLSPORTS.COM.

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

LeSean McCoy Releases Apology Statement About That Whole Twitter Baby Mama Herpes Dick Doctor Thing

“In light of the recent events that played out over Twitter this past weekend, I would like to express how deeply sorry and remorseful I am to my family, the Philadelphia Eagles, my fans, and every young person who views me as a role model.”

Also I’d like to extend an apology to my penis, especially. I put you in a position for a lot of your privates business to become public, penis. For that I’m forever regretful.

And to the young people who view me as a role model, remember: make sure you at least know the bum bitch’s name before hitting it raw.

“This is not who I am as a person, nor the image I ever wanted to portray of myself. It’s definitely not the example I want to set for my son.”

Whatever his name is.

“My Twitter account was not hacked.”

So…yeah I’m kind of a liar, too.

“I take full responsibility and I apologize for trying to make it seem like it was not me. Due to my bad judgment and frustration, I allowed a very personal matter to be played out on a social network, of all things.”

Usually it’s on the phone when we get into shit like that. Once it was by carrier pigeon. I was pissed off for weeks at a time.

“It was immature and unprofessional for me to do so and to encourage others to join in.”

But seriously, flood that bitch’s Mentions. She’s lied about being on birth control.

“As a parent, emotions are often magnified when there are stressful and emotional situations concerning them.”

Who’s “them”? My emotions. Even just thinking about them has ME SO GODDAMNED ANGRY.

“I take great pride in being a good father–”

You know, to Whatshisname.

“…and strive to one day be a great one. I’ve always done everything in my means to provide for my son financially, emotionally, and most importantly with my time and heart.”

But most most importantly with money and distance. Can’t spoil these kids by seeing them all the time.

“I am sick over the fact that my actions have caused pain to him and all involved.”

My penis had such a bright future…

“I have decided to handle this matter privately from here on out and I thank everyone for their continued support.”

GO BIRDS! Welcome to the pros, Chip!

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Barstool Free T-Shirt Giveaway Continues Today With Shirt #4 Trivia At 2PM!

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Fo’ fo’ fo’. If you don’t know about that, you probably don’t know why I’m named maurice. Not that you have to know to win. You just have to be on Twitter.

Giving away another free super-soft American Apparel individually numbered Barstool Philly t-shirt today. Follow both the @tallmaurice and @PhillyBarstool twitter accounts and be the first to answer the 2PM question correctly and we’ll ship it to your place. That easy.

Four.

Viva La Stool.



By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Who Would You Rather Be: LeSean McCoy Or Manti Te’o?

Is it worse to be very publicly thought of as a moron, sucker, and closet homosexual, or to be a wealthy superstar with actual real-life herpes, dick doctor appointments, and unwanted children?

Who would you rather be?
Vote 1 for LeSean McCoy and 10 for Manti Te’o

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (553 votes, average: 5.84 out of 10)
Loading ... Loading ...
By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 1:27 PM

Hands-Down The Greatest Ice Cube Impression You’ve Ever Seen

Got caught up in the deep parts of the internet last night and ended up watching an episode of a show called Dinner For Five, which was hosted/run by Jon Favreau and featured 4 different celebs on the show talking about celebrity shit. Came out in the early 2000′s I guess. This episode was Faizon Love, Michael Rapaport, Sarah Silverman, and some British chick nobody cares about. It’s surprisingly funny so if you have the time watch the whole episode, but the biggest takeaway is without question Faizon Love’s straight up on-the-money perfection impression of Ice Cube.

Starts at 27:44 when Faizon begins talking about working on The Players Club, which was directed by Ice Cube.

It was like the first time I saw Sandberg doing the Marky Mark impression all over again. Had me rolling.

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 3:19 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A 71 Year-Old Prostitute Busted In A Police Sting?

DMA 71-year-old Connecticut woman has been arrested for prostitution after an undercover cop says he struck a deal with her for ‘sexual acts’ at a Homewood Suites hotel. Sygun Liebhart allegedly placed an ad on backpage.com under the escort section under the alias ‘Lola,’ according to police reports. An officer on the East Central Narcotics Task Force contacted Liebhart arranging for a hotel rendezvous, where she was later arrested. Another backpage advertisement listed earlier in January claimed the septuagenarian hooker was only 60, and was both ‘well preserved’ and ‘all natural.’ The ad contained a phone number with instructions that texts or emails would not be accepted, and that appointments could only be made after 8 p.m. In yet another advertisement, she described herself as a ‘truly mature escort with over 25 years experience in delivering a symphony of luxury and sensual delight to discriminating professional gentlemen both younger and older who can afford. T he best and who prefer their women a bit older but a lot better.’ You would likely enjoy her if you could ‘savor the charms of maturity and submit yourself to sensuous abandon in the arms of a genuine Cougar.’

All things considered the old bird doesn’t look too bad. After taking into consideration the high mileage and amount of shear abuse put on the old girl after her many years of service. Hooker years are like dog years. So if Sygun Liebhart has been turning tricks for 50 years or so, that means her body’s real age is 234 years old. And I’ll tell you what — this is without question the hottest 234 year-old woman I’ve ever seen.

Obviously the hardest part of doing business with a grandma hooker is communication. No texts or emails? No doubt this old piece just lounges in a tub full of Epsom salts waiting for her Flintstones bird phone to squawk.

“Symphony of luxury and sexual delight”? Yeah I’m gonna steal that one.

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 10:11 AM

The Person Who Actually Took The Time To Make This Gangnum Style Flip Book Needs To Be Banished From Society Immediately

Anybody who dedicates this much time and effort into making something this pointless and out of date is a certified serial killer. No doubt about it. Just a Buffalo Bill tucking his dick between his legs and drawing a page at a time in between picking up the lotion in the basket. Granted, this may be out of date because it took the psycho 9 months to complete, but still, doesn’t affect the over/under on the number of bodies he has hidden beneath his floorboards is currently set at 7.5.

By smitty posted January 29th, 2013 at 2:02 PM

This Ravens Consultant Seems To Really Be Enjoying His Day

Oh Juanita Castillo. We still love you. If you ever Juanna talk about what happened Juan on Juan I’m down any time you Juant. Okay…I’m done. Pretty sure I’d still rather see Randy “Greatest WR Ever” Moss win one than Castillo, anyway.

One last time, my favorite meme I’ve ever made of Juan:

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 2:35 PM

Chinese Millionaire Selling Air In A Can Because Chinese Air 100% Will Kill You

 

huffpoA Chinese millionaire is reportedly trying to capitalize on his native country’s worsening air pollution problem by selling canned fresh air. According to a Sydney Morning Herald report this week, Chen Guangbiao, a philanthropist believed to be one of China’s richest individuals, has begun selling “fresh air in soft drink cans” for about 5 Chinese Yuan ($0.80) a pop. The canned air reportedly comes in a variety of flavors, including “pristine Tibet” and “post-industrial Taiwan.” “Every day, we are inhaling the exhaust fumes of cars,” Chen told China’s Sina News last year, as news of his canned air idea began circulating in the media. “And now we have pollution-free air to sell — a benefit to everyone’s health and longevity.”

Socialist China my ass. This is unadulterated hardcore capitalism right here. Selling cans of oxygen because the pollution in Beijing is so bad people can chew their air? That’s the type of shit that could make oil tycoon well up with guilt. See what I did there? Oil…well…? Whatever.

What I’m saying is that Chen Guangbiao is nothing more than an American businessman trapped in a Chinese businessman’s tiny, bespectacled body. Like a little Asian Jerry Jones shaking his head while staring out at clean air, hoping for a little glory hole of smog to help usher in the post-free oxygen era. “Either huff on 80 cents of this ‘post-industrial Taiwan’-flavored air or die, proles.” Ruthlessness like that is as American as linebackers on steroids.

 

UPDATE: got two tweets about how could I not reference Space Balls “Perri Air” in this blog. Simple: I’ve seen Space Balls like once.

By maurice posted January 29th, 2013 at 3:59 PM
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