Nice work, Stoolies. Bill Russell comment is an A+.
April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
New York City, NY
April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
New Haven, CT
January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
East Stroudsburg, PA
March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
The Union Bar
Iowa City, IA
March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
The Boulder Theater
March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
House Of Blues
Myrtle Beach, SC
April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM
Pussification Of America Continues: Ticketmaster Gives Free Super Bowl Tickets To Sucker Niners Fans Who Got Duped Out Of Their Money
mercurynews – Score one for the San Francisco 49ers faithful. The Bay Area couple and die-hard Niners fans who wired $5,900 to a Baltimore Ravens fan for Super Bowl tickets — only to get a taunting “Go Ravens! LOL!” FedEx package but no tickets in return — are going to Sunday’s big game after all. After this newspaper’s story on the couple was read around the country Tuesday, Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Hubbard called Hayward resident Sharon Osgood to offer four free tickets for her, her boyfriend and other family members who got scammed. Hubbard also arranged for Osgood and her partner to have breakfast with NFL legend Troy Aikman. Before word of that gift got out, the 49ers front office called with its own free-ticket offer. In all, the family has five tickets to the game — and good seats, too. “My heart literally was in my throat; it was fluttering — I was like, ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening.’ I can’t put into words how grateful I am,” Osgood, a 49-year-old utility worker, said between tears after getting the news.
Here’s the problem, America: we keep rewarding the wrong people. Instead of celebrating teachers, thinkers, and the real achievers, we throw huge spotlights on drunken ragged-vagina reality stars and little freaky obese beauty pageant girls. It’s not right. These sucker-ass Niners fans got suckered. One’s born every minute. But now because their story is national news Ticketmaster sees it as a publicity opportunity and gave them free Super Bowl tickets. It’s absurd reasoning. We shouldn’t be rewarding thoughtless here’s-some-cash-in-the-mail idiots with free Super Bowl tickets. We should be laughing AT them and perhaps learning lessons from them. That’s it.
PS – Troy Aikman two days ago: “Aww c’mon Nate you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. NO DINNER. Breakfast. ONLY BREAKFAST. Yeah, yeah owe you my ass. Tee time is 6 tomorrow, jackass.”
Here’s A Clip Of Kobe Bryant Saying He Could’ve Been The Greatest Point Guard Of All-Time If He Wanted To
Is this something that you could grow perhaps to love as much as scoring?
I can do it, man — I’m like Neo out this mother[expletive]. Yeah, I enjoy doing it. Like, when I prepare for each game, I look strategically at where the defense is going to be coming from, how to put guys in the right place to be successful. Y’know, my idol was Magic [Johnson] growing up, man, and I just so happened to not grow to 6’9″. After that, once I realized I wouldn’t be 6’9″, man, that was the end of that dream.
If you had really wanted it, how good a point guard do you think you could’ve ended up being?
What, you think I’m gonna sit here and say I wasn’t gonna be the best? [My strengths would've been] exactly what you’re seeing tonight, man. That’s what it would’ve been. When I focus in on something, I become obsessed about it, and I want to be perfect at it. That’s just my personality. So if I was to be a point guard, I’d just obsess over it and wouldn’t stop until I get it absolutely right.
Is it what you’re obsessed about now?
“Can’t you tell?”
But more importantly, how much does this chick look like Kmarko!? I can’t be the only one who sees this. Nose, cheeks, FACE — all the same. She’s like his long lost girl-twin. If I were Kmarko I’d prepare myself for a deep Q&A with my dad.
Vote 1 for I Don’t See It and 10 for Girl Kmarko
Oh, right — Kobe. Yeah…he could’ve maybe I guess. Just doesn’t seem likely since the man loves shooting more than we love our own families. Three pointers, midrange jumpers, ejaculate — the man’s a natural born shooter.
To shoot or not to shoot? That is the question. It would seem only logical that the more shots you take, the better chance you have of scoring. The Great One said it best, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” So why the hell don’t we ever shoot the damn puck? What, you think you’re smarter than Wayne Gretzky or something? There’s gotta be more to it than that. It’s a deeply profound question that challenges the soul and forces a man to take a long hard look at what he has become in life. What does it mean to shoot? Is it simply firing rubber at a nylon box, or is it a way of life?
Juxtaposing this question outside the boarders of the hockey rink into the realm of the human condition, I present a common scenario: Three hot chicks at the bar. Five buddies. All five of these guys are capable of getting some ass. They have a two man advantage. Someone’s gotta score here. Just like in hockey, the first guy that takes a shot often gets blocked. But you gotta love this guy, usually not the best scorer on the team, but has been around the league long enough to know that someone’s gonna have to bust up that defense. He’s gonna have to initiate the powerplay by introducing himself to the “goalie” of the group. He’s got balls. That’s when one of the goal scorers crashes the net with shots. Literally, the good looking buddy comes over with Fireballs for everyone. Line change to get a fresh pair of legs in there. Soon, you will have all three girls scattered in separate conversations, which forces an abandoning of their tight box PK. Within two minutes, you should have a great scoring chance off of a one timer from the left circle, or at least a hand job in the parking lot. But often enough, the dudes fuck everything up by either not attempting a shot, or having no plan of attack and taking stupid shots. The fear of missing the net or being blocked is paralyzing. It takes a special kind of player that will shoot without worrying if he scores or not. It’s simple and extremely complicated all at the same time. It takes a type of wise aggression to achieve success in all aspects of life. Some dudes have it, some don’t. Some teams have it, some teams don’t. Savvy? Let’s go back to talking about hockey then.
With a great shot blocking team like the Rangers, who are one of the best lane filling teams you’ll see, you have to guard against failing to hit the net, which happens all the damn time. They can easily turn misses into counter rushes and failure. It is only human nature to guard against failure and rejection.
The obvious issue here is there’s too much passing around on the powerplay. Too many guys standing still, waiting for a pass, just to make another one. I understand that you want a solid scoring chance. There’s nothing wrong with trying to get the short handed D tired of chasing, and get the goalie moving around without exhorting a lot of energy yourself. Typically, you would love to be able to let heavy slappers rain from the blueline all day. That’s what the Flyers are looking to do on the PP. Problem is, nobody on the team has a heavy enough shot to run this powerplay. What the Flyers need to do is outwork their opponents while on the advantage. That’s when you skate hard and try to carry the puck to the net. Bang on the garbage and create chaos. That would be the equivalent of all five guys going Butabi Brothers on the group of girls all at once. Which, you know, could also work.
LET’S GO FLYERS!
Welcome Krysten from Garnet Valley. Cleavage has to be the greatest invention by women ever. Instantly make men behave nicely towards you for doing nothing but kinda showing us the tops of your boobs. Best deal since the Louisiana Purchase.
Nominate a Smokeshow —> email@example.com.
Today’s t-shirt is the one to me that most deserves a Seinfeld title. The Iverson. No doubt about it.
Don’t know what all of this is about? Well Barstool Philly is giving away free super-soft American Apparel individually numbered Barstool t-shirts. Today’s is #3. To win follow both the @tallmaurice and @PhillyBarstool twitter accounts and be the first to answer the 2PM question correctly and…that’s it.
Viva La Stool.
The white people dancing in this video.
Great steal by Worldstar, which couldn’t have been that hard since surely there’s some quasi-necro-homosexual dude in LA with a megacrush on 2Pac probably sitting on 30 boxes of rare VHS clips of the guy.
These old dance shows were an American treasure; a format where all the dance moves were embarrassing and all the music was lip sync’d (Soul Train, MTV’s The Grind, etc). There’s something very unnatural about watching grown men dance when they’re not just trying to get their junk as close to a woman’s butt as possible. Truly I have no room to poke fun as a 6’6″ guy dancing rarely looks natural, but I’m going to anyhow because A) I’m not as bad as these people and B) it’s my job.
#4 – Yellow Shirt Overalls Blossom
#3 – Black Guy With Light Jeans And Sport Coat
#2 – White Jewishy-Looking Guy In Big Shirt
#1 – Long-Haired Asian Karate-dancing Grandmaster
Fun Fact: this is actually Ken Jeong.
RS – Entourage is coming to the big screen, Deadline reports. Warner Bros. has green-lighted a movie version of the HBO series that ran from 2004-11, which would reprise the exploits of Adrian Grenier’s movie star Vinnie Chase, his cronies and, of course, his backbiting agent Ari Gold, portrayed by Jeremy Piven. Negotiations are underway with the cast of the series which, in addition to Piven and Grenier, includes Kevin Connolly, who played Chase’s manager Eric “E” Murphy; Kevin Dillon, who played Chase’s brother Johnny Drama; and Jerry Ferrara, who played their go-fer Turtle. Series creator Doug Ellin wrote the screenplay and will direct the movie.
There was a period in time when Entourage actually felt cool. Maybe in the early to middle seasons before Vinnie Chase started doing coke and banging porn stars. Back when we didn’t mind that every episode consisted of the same six-step formula:
1. Something great is going to happen in Vince’s career
2. Uh oh, something has gone wrong
3. Quick, Turtle and Drama go off and do something nobody cares about
4. Ari & E fight then fix the problem
5. Vince bangs some chick in a coat closet
6. High five let’s go snowboarding
Everyone loved that formula. Until they didn’t. We can only pray that Warner Bros. has the movie juice to make all of this seem cool and interesting again. America doesn’t need the Entourage movie pulling a Medellín.
What’s there to be confused about, Tuiasosopo? You carried on a supergay relationship with another man for over a year. Whether it was a girl on the phone or you doing the greatest girl phone voice impression this world’s ever seen is irrelevant. What matters is the intent. And you fully intended at some point in your life to have your boner touch Manti’s boner. And that makes you gay.
Hey — ain’t nothing wrong with being gay. There’s something VERY wrong about fooling some thick-skulled football moron into loving you because he thinks you’re a hot island chick…but you shouldn’t feel apprehensive about coming out as gay. The apprehension should come from being a scumbag who lies about cancer kids and car accidents for fame.
YOU’RE confused, Roniah? WE’RE confused. The American public is as confused as we can be. Last month Manti Te’o was just some future draft bust with a great story and funny name. Now we’re all involved in his imaginary girlfriend’s life who was actually a gay Christian Youtube singer and we honestly don’t know what the hell to think. But there’s one thing we’re ALL certain of, Tuiasosopo: you gay.
Columbia To Decriminalize Ecstasy To Go Along With Decriminalized Cocaine and Pot To Help Slow Nation’s Drug Problem
DM – Colombia may decriminalise the use of synthetic drugs, including ecstasy, as part of its plans to tackle social problems caused by its widespread drug problems. The proposal by Justice Minister Ruth Stella Correa could replace laws which ban cocaine and marijuana, although people are not prosecuted for possessing small amounts. Politicians are considering the legislation as a way to curb both drug use and trafficking in the country. The nation has long been a major exporter of drugs, although cocaine production has dropped significantly in recent years, and has suffered countless murders and widespread political instability as a result of the powerful cartels who control the incredibly lucrative cocaine trade. Last year former Justice Minister Juan Carlos Esguerra said: ‘It is indisputable that there are concerns in Colombia over the advancement of drug addiction in schools and universities.
Whoever is doing Columbia’s PR needs to be fired so I can step in and change the world’s opinion of that place. Doesn’t even matter than I can’t speak Spanish or point out Columbia on a map. I have the plan. Here’s what you do: market Columbia as the Amsterdam of hard drugs.
Every stoner in the world wants to make the pilgrimage to Amsterdam like it’s some kind of marijuana Mecca…why not create that same level of excitement for cokehead models, meth addicted rednecks, and black guys sweatin their asses off while high on molly? All it takes is the right spin and advertising. Sure they could probably just go to Portugal and do drugs with no criminal penalties there, but who wants to learn fucking Portuguese? Nobody.
With the right level of careful brand management substance abusers all over North America will be telling stories of doing coke on Spring Break with a one-armed gangster named Carlos or how great it feels to shoot automatic weapons while rolling your face off. Just gimme my chance and I’ll turn Columbia in Vegas’ strung-out cousin.
Fucking greedy, entitled waitresses asking for 18% tip for a meal that the restaurant automatically enforced. Don’t they know that God only asks for 10% of everything you earn? Who do they think they are asking for more money than the Almighty? The poor man is just following what was written in scripture:
I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me, except for those in the service industry. Fuck them. They should get better jobs. Also, if you’re daughter isn’t a virgin before marriage, you should stone her skank ass. But love thy neighbor. No homo.
Regardless, the Pastor didn’t have to be an asshole about it. Man has to learn the nice way of religious dick tipping and offer something fake and in lieu of money, like Jesus’ eternal love or the promise your taint won’t be tickled by the Devil’s horns in the afterlife. If the Dalai Lama can get away with not tipping but still leave a smile on a face, so can you. Gunga Galunga.
PS – Religious nutshits actually leave stuff like this below sometimes instead of a tip and think it’s OK???? If I ever was working my balls to the bone in the service industry and got something like this, mark my words, nobody would leave the restaurant alive. NOBODY.
PFT – Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis had to know heading into Super Bowl Media Day that he would be asked about pleading guilty to obstruction of justice in connection with a 2000 incident in which two men were stabbed to death and Lewis was initially charged with murder. But Lewis says that question is not appropriate for Super Bowl Media Day. Asked about the case today, Lewis said, “Nobody here is really qualified to ask those questions,” Lewis said. “I just truly feel that this is God’s time, and whatever his time is, you know, let it be his will. Don’t try to please everybody with your words, try to make everybody’s story sound right.”
It chaps my ass when people use God or God’s will as an excuse for something or to hide behind an issue. It’s a weak, bullshit way of excusing blame for yourself. If I could take a shit on the floor of my office and have it be OK by just saying it’s God’s will, I would be pantsless in a heartbeat. But I can’t. So how can Ray Lewis dodge questions and vilify everything bad that he has done in his life by just saying it’s the will of the Almighty? It’s not only bullshit but it’s annoying as fuck. Own up and take responsibility for yourself for once and the questions will go away.
The fact that he also says, “Nobody here is really qualified to ask those questions” is more outrageous than him getting teabagged by onions in the locker room before the national anthem so he has no problems spawning tears for the cameras. Just a spit in the face to every single journalist who is only doing their jobs. Who is qualified to ask? Oh, right, God and only God.
And to the people who don’t know the facts and think he was acquitted of all charges and found innocent. Totally false. The fucker agreed to a plea bargain that included ratting out his friends and he was found guilty of obstructing justice, which very well may have lead to a guilty charge of accessory to murder if he didn’t cop out. Plus he paid an undisclosed amount of money to the victim’s family to essentially make the case go away. Which, you know, is what Jesus would’ve done anyways so it’s cool.
You don’t want questions about a 13-year-old double murder you were involved in popping up the week before the biggest event of the year? Best not be doing dances pre/postgame, crying to the cameras and whoring the spotlight every chance you get. Maybe then this celebrity taint craving society won’t want to know every detail of your life.
PS – Still, nothing will ever piss me off more than James Thrash catching a hitch for 2 yards then pointing up to God, every, single, time. 10 years since he’s been on the Eagles and I still want to dropkick a kitten thinking about it.