Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Regarding This Eagles Return To Kelly Green Petition: I Ain’t Signing It

PETITION

Okay so I’ve been getting email after email and tweet after tweet about this Petition someone created asking for Jeff Lurie to reinstate “kelly green” as the official base team color of the Philadelphia Eagles. Everyone is sucking this petition’s dick saying how much they loved the old kelly green uniforms and how they love that it doesn’t ask for throwbacks but still leaves room for more modern looks. And as far as all of I’m concerned that’s all well and good — but I still ain’t signing it.

Everybody loves the kelly green unis in hindsight and the fact that the Birds looked great donning those throwbacks in the 2010 Kevin Kolb knockout / Michael Vick breakout game. I get it. But here’s my main thing: what are we holding onto?

It’s not like the kelly green Eagles were winning titles and whoopin ass all through the 20th century. Yeah my kelly green Eagles Starter pullover was fly as hell and got me ALL the elementary school Valentine’s Day cards, but it still doesn’t mean I have some distorted memory of the past. If the Birds had won a Super Bowl or two maybe I could see signing something aggressively begging the owner of the team to go back to the color of the “good old days,” but the Eagles don’t have any “good old days”. Our best good old days was 2004. TRUE STORY.

Plus, I’m not ready to shackle and stifle the creatives at Nike and their acid-tripping color geniuses. ESPECIALLY not since Chip Kelly is here to bring his Oregon uniform madness to Philly. I say let them dudes do what them dudes do. I’d like it to be a lighter shade of green if possible, but if they cooked up something with the same colors that ended up being the best design they got, I say let’s rock.

The kelly green uniforms look great and I think the team needs a change just like all you do. But a petition? Nah. Ain’t signing it.

By maurice posted February 1st, 2013 at 9:35 AM

1st Of Tha Month Taking Us Into The Weekend

An all-time feel-good song that fits perfectly only 12 times a year. Doesn’t even matter that it’s about using government funds to buy and sell drugs — it’s a universal message. Out with the old in with the new. It’s the first of the month. This is your Friday pregaming song for the night.

Now I’m gonna go sleep since I didn’t do that yesterday. Have a great weekend!

By maurice posted February 1st, 2013 at 5:01 PM

Vince Carter Is Still In The League, Trolls Warriors By Faking Injury, Ends With A 2 Handed Slamma Jamma

Well it’s official, I’m old as fuck. I know this isn’t 2001 anymore, but the only way the prince of flight can get a clear lane to the basket for a dunk is to fake like he broke his shit? Granted, I had to do a double think trying to figure out if he was still in the league, but still. It’s Vince Carter. Dude used to teabagg whoever he wanted to in the air on and off the court. How else do you think Tracy McGrady got his lazy ass eye.

Best dunker of all-time? Gotta be in the running for #1. Dominique, MJ, Carter, Dr. J, Spud Webb, even Shawn Kemp used to throw down hardcore before he put on 80 pounds, one pound for each city he impregnated a woman in. Who else?

By smitty posted February 1st, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Some Masshole Took Down The Wing Bowl This Morning

Mo and our sales guy Louis were at the Wells Fargo Center today with press passes probably doing nothing but getting hammered off their asses and Mo jerking off to photoshopped pictures of Andrew Bynum in a Sixers uniform, so we’ll probably get more of a recap on this later, but the “New England Bear” won the 21st annual Wing Bowl. Dude ate something like 287 wings in a half hour and won blah blah blah. Fuck it. Stay out of our city you Massholes. Haven’t you won enough? Every single one of your franchises have won a title in the last 10 years. Keep it to yourselves. No need to come and crash our pseudo Super Bowl – which was specifically created 21 years ago to have a local, competitive outlet because we knew the Eagles had no shot of making the big game every year. Yeah, it’s a loser bowl. But it’s OUR loser bowl. Stay out of it and let us have it to ourselves. Lucky El Wingador is in prison now for dealing coke or else he would’ve eaten and shit out not only wings but this pretty boy, too.

At least Chip Kelly appeared on stage and the crowd of 20,000 sang “Fly, Eagles, Fly.” It was described as “heartwarming” and an “inspirational moment.” Definitely a better experience to have than being in the fucking Super Bowl this weekend.

PS – Killer victory flex, brah. Definitely doesn’t make you seem like the tool of the century.

By smitty posted February 1st, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Vodka In A Juicebox Makes Life Come Full-Circle As Perfectly As It Should

And thus, the circle of life. You were raised on the life of Ssips and Hi-C then all of a sudden you’re thrown out of your element into a world in which drinking out of juiceboxes isn’t acceptable anymore. Well, my friends, that day has come to an end. Now thanks to some shady European distributor who is probably filling the box with fermented goat piss anyways, you can drink vodka the way it was intended to be consumed: out of a straw like you’re 12.

Still won’t sniff the taint of Ecto-Cooler being the best juicebox of all-time. Stuff was the certified tits.

By smitty posted February 1st, 2013 at 4:22 PM

Wing Bowl Is Sexist, Gluttonous, Filthy, Dangerous, And Everybody Should Go At Least Once

I’d gone before when I was in high school, but it was nothing near the spectacle it is now. Which is both a positive and negative for the annual wing eating contest where nobody in the crowd actually gets to eat any wings. Back in the day it was a lot more unruly: tickets didn’t have specific seats, it was much easier to tailgate in the parking lot before hand / sneak in alcohol, and there was a general feeling of questionable safety. It’s a lot different now. It’s still unruly and there are still tits, there’s a lot more corporate sponsors, a lot more money, and everything just seemed to be a much BIGGER show.

You guys can read through my hazy sleepless semi-drunk tweets from this morning below through Storify. A few things I failed to mention, though:

- There was an eater who came out on a Bynum float who tombstone piledriver’d / chest pinned the other float competition. He came out with a Bynum jersey, two knee braces, and an afro wig riding a bowling lane with Disneyland in the background while strippers held giant photos of Shawn Bradley, Manute Bol, and other “great” Sixers centers. Then at one point he bowled into the actual pins and fell to the floor grabbing his knee. Perfect execution.

- If EatDatPussy445 was allowed to compete he would have taken that building over. There were a decent number of Stoolies in the house, and if we had time to create an EDP float the takeover would have been complete.

- WIP has the flash tits jumboscreen game down to a science. Twenty-one years of practice pays off. She’s gonna do it, she’s gonna do it, here comes the tits, THERE’S A NIPP– and cut to some other chick in another part of the stadium. Then repeat for 3 hours during every WIP commercial break. THAT’S Wing Bowl.

See the highlights from our time at through Storify. Or you could just look at my twitter directly, I guess.

By maurice posted February 1st, 2013 at 3:10 PM

FanDuel Thinks They Can Save Themselves From Me Breaking Their Bank By Switching To Hockey?

SIGN UP HERE.

Stop kidding yourselves, FanDuel. You can’t stop me. Over three grand last year on NFL and NBA games, now what do you do? Switch Barstool’s weekly contest over to NHL. Fine — doesn’t bother me none. That website is still my money tree.

Rules:

1. $2,000 in total prizes, $600 for first place.
2. 89 spots, prizes to 9th place.
3. $25 to enter, up to five entries allowed.
4. Tournament starts at 7pm EST on Saturday. Payouts occur after games end.

SIGN UP HERE.

Viva.

By maurice posted February 1st, 2013 at 3:47 PM

Counterpoint Regarding This Eagles Return To Kelly Green Petition: Damn Right I’m Signing It And You Should Too

PETITION

Let’s face it, the Eagles have been an embarrassment for the past two years. Not only because they have lost, but because they have shown a complete lack of effort or desire to win from individual players up through the head coach. This fanbase can understand if a team sucks from time to time. It’s part of the game. But to have a team filled with people who are getting paid millions and don’t even come close to leaving it all out on the field is downright un-fucking-acceptable in this town. A change is needed for every aspect of the team from the coaches and the players to even the uniforms.

Will going back to the old uniforms change anything? Probably not. Didn’t work too well for the Sixers as the only people who probably realized they went back to their old school wear 3 years ago are the dozens of people who attend the games, and Mo. But these midnight green shits haven’t been good from the beginning. The kelly green style should’ve never been changed in the first place. They’re by far the best uni’s the Eagles have ever worn. Get back to the roots of this team where players who donned that uniform like Reggie White, Jerome Brown and Randall Cunningham and maybe the memories of how played the game how it was supposed to be played will rub off on the future of this team.

This is America, dammit. If your voices can be heard, they need to be heard. Is this petition going to change anything if it gets the desired 50,000 votes? Hell no. This ownership doesn’t give two shits about what the fans think. But what if 500,000 sign it? Or a million? Or if we start a Facebook page saying if we get a million likes then Howie Roseman’s morning shower turns Golden via EDP? Can’t ignore the masses forever, Jeffrey.

Basically if you’re and Eagles fan and don’t sign this petition, you’re a communist.

But seriously, Lurie, give the fans the kelly green jerseys. Just something to make us happy. We’re going to be out of the playoffs for the next 2 years regardless if we wear kelly green or motherfucking Halo suits.

By smitty posted February 1st, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Hundreds Of Skulls From Human Sacrifices Found In Middle Of Nowhere In Mexico

HuffpoMEXICO CITY — Archaeologists say they have turned up about 150 skulls of human sacrifice victims in a field in central Mexico, one of the first times that such a large accumulation of severed heads has been found outside of a major pyramid or temple complex in Mexico. Experts are puzzled by the unexpected find of such a large number of skulls at what appears to have been a small, unremarkable shrine. The heads were carefully deposited in rows or in small mounds, mostly facing east toward the rising sun, sometime between 660 and 860 A.D., a period when the nearby city-state of Teotihuacan had already declined but the Aztec empire, founded in 1325, was still centuries in the future.

Why is this not already a movie featuring Leo DiCaprio, Clive Owen, Megan Fox, and Katrina Bowden/Olivia Munn as the lesbian couple who gets killed but only after they both expose their breasts??? It’s practically already written:

SCENE – Excavation site just like Jurassic Park but with cooler stuff because it’s 2013

Clive Owen: Fabulous find, Sarah. This is the largest grouping of human skulls found in this area in decades!

Leo: Carl…come here for a second. These eye sockets look hundreds of years old to you?

Megan Fox: Oh my god. These — is this still happening?

[Katrina Bowden/Olivia Munn kiss with outside the mouth tongue]

END SCENE

Simple stuff. Get it together, Hollywood.

By maurice posted February 1st, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Senior Citizen Gets Caught With Hookers 3 Times In One Night

ENGLAND – Derek Edwards, 69, was banned from four red light zones after repeatedly being caught with known prostitutes. Bristol Magistrates’ Court heard on Wednesday that Edwards paid a total of £65 to three different prostitutes, and was initially caught red-handed lying on his back in a park with one performing a sex act upon him. After being given a stern telling-off by cops, he was released – only to be caught just ninety minutes later paying another prostitute. Following his second talking-to from police, he was spotted on CCTV at a train station with yet another prostitute, who he later admitted performed a sex act on him in the public toilets. Prosecuting, Jeremy Oliver said: “I don’t think I have ever seen such a degree of persistence in my time.”

Get it, old man! I’ll tell you what, Derek Edwards has put in his time to society. If he wants to triple his risk for Hepatitis-C in one night, who has the right to stop him. That’s why the cops just let him go with a warning the first two times. They know you don’t fuck with stubborn old men. They’re just gonna do what they want anyways. The second we took away my grandfather’s keys because he was legally blind as a bat the crazy old bastard just hotwired his Oldsmobile. Caught him 20 min later after crashing into 6 cars in the Wegman’s parking lot because he said he “needed a haircut,” whatever the fuck that means. But you know what, good for him, he wanted to take the car out and he succeeded. Doesn’t matter if they want to drive while blind, continue to use the term “Chinaman” or get blumpkins from hookers in a train station bathroom, old people are going to do whatever the they want with no regard to society or their waistline.

PS – While doing critical research on the subject, I have learned and should share my findings about the elusive Equestrian Blumpkin and seldom perfected The Curious Case of Benjamin Blumpkin. Both should be known by all and attempted by none.

By smitty posted February 1st, 2013 at 12:47 PM

Bar Rafaeli Dressing Up As A Kinky 1950′s Housewife Melts My Nuts With Love

Time to get that awful image out of your head of her making out with that fat extra who if given the choice would choose a burrito over sticking his pinky in her ass. The Immaculate Israeli is my personal #1 in the world only makes me want her more dressed as a 1950′s housewife from skank city. The 1950′s woman was required to do three C’s and the three C’s only: Cook, Clean, Cocktickle. Now imagine if that wife wasn’t a chain smoking mother of 4 who was Don Draper’s leftovers and was replaced with the likes of 2013 Bar Rafaeli. Perfection. Plus it helps the fact that I would literally drag my balls through a mile of shattered glass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie. Now make me some bacon, bitch.

By smitty posted February 1st, 2013 at 10:45 AM

Chip Kelly Is Ultra Phony But His Offenses Score A Ton Of Points So Who Cares?

Chip, buddy, nobody cares that you’re not very “Philly”. It’s fine. Why would we expect you to be? “Yo, Philly”? You’re not Rocky Balboa from South Philadelphia who thinks it’s called southpaw because of South Camden. You’re a well-traveled laid back dude from New England who coached in Oregon. Eat organic edamame out of a lime green Nike bowl while staring out at some otters. That’s some Oregon shit, right? What I mean is — do you.

Pretending to like and understand Wing Bowl is condescending and more retarded than cold-weather Super Bowls. I’m from here and the shit doesn’t make sense. Grown men getting drunk before sunrise to stare creepily at a bunch of strippers while a group of fat guys shovel cold loose-skinned wings into their face? Don’t pretend like you like and/or enjoy this.

Just be you…and if you end up scoring a shitload of points all the better. But the more times you namedrop “WingBowl”, say “Yo”, and otherwise continue this whole phony Philadelphian act, you set yourself up to look even dumber if you should fail.

By maurice posted February 1st, 2013 at 2:40 PM
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