Smash. Smash. Suh-MASH! I don’t care if it made him a homeless vagrant, I need what Kai is smoking and I needed it yesterday.
This newscast has it all. Hitchhikers, hatchets, violence, fat chicks, racism, religious nutshits. Only things missing from it’s viral potential is a dog saving a puppy from drowning and a cute kitten on a boogie-board that’s riding a wave squirting out of Bar Refaeli’s vagina. You know a story is fucked up when an AX-WIELDING HITCHHIKER turns out to be the “good guy.” Hilarious from beginning to end. Plus there’s no way those behemoths “ran” to help. Waddled, maybe. Rolled? Most likely. But run? Not a chance in hell. Physically impossible.
This newscast went live on Feb. 1 and for some reason there isn’t an autotuned version 3 days later. Outright blasphemy. Expect one by lunch.
PS – The fact that this squirrel of a newscaster feels the need to wear 2 watches automatically anoints him Lord of the Douche.
Yuk it up, buddy. Laugh this off with a South Park quote and a post on Youtube. It’s funny, right? Gonna be real funny when the robots learn to play Minecraft for 10 straight hours, type snarky blog comments, and masturbate to Family Guy porn or whatever it is you do for a living. This WAS somebody’s job…and they took it! For real!
It’s only a matter of time before the 1% has us all replaced with less-expensive robot options that don’t require lunch breaks or healthcare. Big, strong robot versions of each of us efficiently compiling cubicle monkey data spreadsheets and blogging viral content before going to our homes and pleasuring our women. Everything’s already in motion, folks. At this point it’s more WHEN than IF.
First it’s our Little Caesar’s sign twirlers. Next — our girls’ vaginas.
DM – The town where Osama Bin Laden was killed by US Navy SEALs is to become the new home of a £19million ($30 million) ‘amusement city’ complete with a zoo, water sports and mini-golf, Pakistan’s government has announced. The 20-hectare riverside development on the edge of Abbottabad will also house a string of restaurants, a ski ramp and even a snake pit for tourists’ amusement. Bin Laden died in a hail of bullets as American Special Forces stormed his secret lair on the outskirts of Abbottabad on May 2 2011. ‘The amusement city will be built on 50 acres in the first phase but later will be extended to 500 acres,’ Syed Aqil Shah, the provincial minister for tourism and sports, told AFP. ‘It will have a heritage park, wildlife zoo, food street, adventure and paragliding clubs, waterfalls and jogging tracks.’ Work is due to begin in late February or early March, he said, and will take eight years to complete.
Guess what just replaced Disney World, kids of America?
While the Evil Empire is busy tracking our kids‘ private information to incept them with ideas to buy Mickey merchandise well into middle age, the real action is going to be in Pakistan. Any true patriot now has a new family vacation spot. Why waste thousands in Florida or dragging the kids around boring old Europe when you guys could be paragliding while enjoying the sights around the Bin Laden compound? Maybe you guys stop off for a light lunch at the Al Qaeda Mohammad Is The Only True God Peace Be With Him & Rainforest Cafe before heading out for 18 holes of mini golf? Whoops — watch out for those rivers of symbolic blood!
This is the American middle eastern future George W. dreamed of when he was toppling statues and posing on aircraft carriers. Of course he thought it would happen in Iraq or Afghanistan, but whatever, right? Joe Schmo getting to Ray Lewis dance on Bin Laden’s grave in Pakistan is close enough.
TMZ – Bar Refaeli’s mouth has the power to turn a regular man into a bona fide Casanova … ’cause that geek she sucked face with in the Go Daddy commercial says chicks have been all over his jock ever since the spot aired. The lucky sonofabitch in the commercial is Jesse Heiman who tells TMZ his life has completely changed in the past week … and obviously, all for the better. “I’ve actually had guys tweet me that they wish they were me, and girls tweet me saying they wish they were Bar.” But the interest from the ladies isn’t just from the cyber variety — Jesse explains, “I have girls run up to me and take pictures with me, tweet me for dates.” Jesse tells us his career has also exploded … saying, “There are lots of inquiries coming in to my agent and manager, their phone has been ringing off the hook, but they are really letting me enjoy the moment right now.”
As if the Monday following the Super Bowl couldn’t get worse, now we all have the live with the truth that Jesse Heiman is getting his knob wet every nighttime like he’s a big shot film star. A billion movies, two billion commercials…nothing. A single 30-second spot hooking up with one of the planet’s hottest women and he’s a big mack like two all-beef patties. This has George Costanza’s fake dead fiance written all over it.
wsbtv – Parents and Atlanta Public Schools alumni are upset over one city school’s decision to bring in a controversial rapper to speak at career day this week. Channel 2′s Amy Napier Viteri spoke to Crawford Long Middle School parents who believe rapper Gucci Mane shouldn’t have been talking to kids. Leisle Moody, an APS graduate, said she was stunned to hear Gucci Mane was talking to kids, given his graphic lyrics and arrest record. “How do you justify bringing someone who is not even at the top of his game in the rap industry, who has a rap sheet because he’s been in so much legal trouble?” she told Viteri. Davis was arrested in 2008, has been in jail in Fulton County and most recently, in DeKalb County. Channel 2 Action News crews were in court with Davis in 2011 after police said he pushed a woman out of a moving car. “I don’t think he was such a good role model. They could have selected another individual,” parent Kevin Hall said. Some parents didn’t know about the visit. It sparked controversy on social media sites like Twitter and Facebook, with many questioning who deemed the rapper an appropriate speaker.
Questioning whether Gucci Mane is an “appropriate speaker”? Why, just because hes got a giant ice cream cone face tattoo with lighting bolts on it and a few dozen arrests under his belt? Just because he takes bottles of Hennessy to the face and smokes weed that will render you unable to communicate? That’s prejudice. This is the man who brought us classics like “Trap House” and “Trap-A-Thon” and “Back to the Trap House”. What’s a little probation violation for aggravated assault when America’s greatest resource is at stake? Let Gucci speak to the chil’run.
Philly.com – AN ATLANTA family court judge presiding over Allen Iverson’s divorce proceedings ripped the former NBA star as an unfit parent who has a drinking problem, according to a report. TMZ.com reported that the judge, who was not named by the website, blasted Iverson, who was married to Tawanna for 11 years. The couple have five children together. The website, citing the couple’s final divorce degree, reported that the judge wrote, “[Iverson] does not know how to manage the children; has little interest in learning to manage the children and has actually, at times, been a hindrance to their spiritual and emotional growth and development. “For example, he has refused to attend to an obvious and serious alcohol problem, which has caused him to do inappropriate things in the presence of the children while impaired. “He has left the children alone without supervision. He has left his young daughters in a hotel room with men who are unknown to the mother.” According to TMZ, the judge ordered Allen Iverson to see a psychiatrist, and to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for a year. The website also reported that the judge awarded Tawanna custody of the children and that Allen can visit them under certain conditions. Among them, according to the report, is that he can’t drink alcohol within 24 hours of visiting.
Complete nonsense. Let the man be a father to his children. “Serious alcohol problem” that has “caused him to do inappropriate things in the presence of the children”? Uhh, where I come from that called PARENTING. How else do fathers interact with their children? Patience, sobriety, and understanding? This ain’t Full House this is real motherfucking life.
In real life sometimes daddy and his friends gotta drink this fifth and run out to the “store” real quick. And sometimes the kids gotta stay behind at the hotel room with some of daddy’s friends who mommy may not like or know exist. Since when is that weird? Certainly not a reason to separate a man from his children. It’s called Friday night, not child abuse.
And who are you to judge, Judge? Maybe in your world understanding how to properly “manage your children” or not being “a hindrance to their spiritual and emotional growth and development” is something abnormal…but this is modern Black America. Those kids could do a lot worse than having a millionaire father who’s actively trying to be in their lives.
Will Ferrell continues his streak of strange Old Milwaukee commercials that only air in areas where nobody lives with yesterday’s fantastic “long-ass sensual old Asian lady bus kiss”. How thirsty are you for an Old Milwaukee right now? Insanely effective. Don’t understand why more advertisements can’t be like this. No doubt if you stripped down all the marketing people behind “Gameday Buckets go Boom” and lined them up side by side ass naked with the folks who produced this commercial, the people responsible for mustache Will Ferrell tonging down this Asian mom will all have bigger balls than their KFC counterparts. Women included.
You can either go for the layup or cock it back and slam that shit like LeBron. Old Milwaukee may have shattered the backboard.
Volume warning. And also a life warning since I’m not sure if this person still has hers or not. WILD stuff, Korea.
Either this woman driver was cursed or she cheated death Final Destination-style and her ass had no business being behind the wheel. It happened so quickly — has to be one or the other. One second she’s just cruising down the highway thinking about kimchee or some shit, and the next a projectile SUV is launched into her face.
Pretty confident I just ruptured my orbital sockets rolling my eyes too hard at this picture. FENWAY PARKS? Unless this kid was conceived inside a dumpster behind the Green Monster his parents have got to be the most insufferable people on the planet. Floridians with connections to Boston? My God the kid didn’t stand a chance.
DM – We’re all in this together – but not if you’re an American. A new study by psychologists at Stanford University has found that Americans aren’t driven by a sense of community. And calls to Americans to act interdependently, rather than independently, could even make things worse. So if you’re trying to get people to do something like recycling, it’s better to stress that it’s good for them individually rather than pointing out the wider benefits. ‘American culture stresses independence, and the desire for independence fuels behaviour,’ says MarYam Hamedani, one of the study’s authors. ‘People often like the idea of working together and certainly care about social issues. But our findings show that thinking about and caring about others doesn’t always translate into effective action.’ When working together, the students were less persistent in solving difficult puzzles and applied less physical pressure in a test of their strength. However, the motivation of Asian-American students did not change across the three tasks. The researchers noted that Asian-American students are exposed to both mainstream American culture, which stresses independence, and East Asian culture, which stresses the value and importance of interdependence. As a result, appeals to think and act interdependently or independently were equally motivating.
Before everybody starts getting bent out of white shape:
self·ish adjective \ˈsel-fish\
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others 2: arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
You may not be a fan of the word choice, but by definition apparently this is true. Hilarious and amusing that science is now providing concrete evidence that white people don’t give a shit about other people. REALLY? White Americans are selfish!? You’d think after Native American genocide, African slavery, and the 2012-2013 Minnesota Timberwolves white Americans’ “individualistic nature” would be self-evident.
But I suppose it’s nice to have supporting data. Asian folks out there just lending each other a helping hand building Great Walls visible from space while white Americans are busy constructing incomplete fences to keep Mexicans out. Yeah maybe I don’t know a whole lot about Chinese history but it’s common knowledge the Great Wall was all about togetherness and yellow camaraderie.
Have fun preaching the Atlas Shrugged every-man-for-himself gospel to our Chinese Robot Overlords in 10 years.