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Had it all wrong with the blanket chair — that’s dumb.  I don’t just want this fancy-ass $2000 Stokke Gravity Chair. I NEED it. And don’t try to knock me off track by saying it won’t feel as comfortable as it looks or that it’s dangerous or that it obviously only looks cool because of the photography:

Welcome Melanie from La Salle. If I’m not mistaken this is our first Smokeshow repping La Salle in a little while. Maybe Melanie will get the ball rolling. Explorers — it’s your time to shine.

Nominate a Smokeshow –> phillytips@barstoolsports.com.

So what you’re claiming, lady, is that the hyper-fit workout maniac personal trainers got such a hard-on for your dangling triceps fat and chubby gorilla mams that not one but TWO of them saw past the miles of yoga pants and tight abs to make sexual passes at you. So many come-on attempts that it caused you (and your husband) TRAUMA and is the sole reason why you don’t go regularly to another gym. Right. Just wanted to make sure we had it all out on the table.

Jamie, you’re literally a great big fat liar.

Unless each of these personal trainers were also 45 year-old out of shape black electricians, there’s no way people can believe that this series of events happened in reality. These comments and ONE text message from the guy TRAUMATIZED you so much that you can’t work out at ANY gym? That’s got fat kid excuse rubbed all over it.

“I would like to have these guys realize they can’t treat women this way.” “And also lots of money. Lots and lots of free money.”

Sgvtribune, you’ve got this entire article screwed up. It’s hollow. Here we are, the readers, expecting to leave this story understanding all of the important elements that make up a story, and you just handed us an empty cup.

HOW!?

How did these kids get their fingers ripped off? THAT’S the whole point of the story. After us knowing how many fingers they lost — which you also failed to tell us — the process by which they lost the fingers is easily the number two most important piece of information. We’re they on the same team and the other team let go? Were they on opposite teams and everybody thought it would be funny to prank them and all stop at the same time? Why was the rope wrapped around their fingers in the first place? Are the fingers now reattached? What was the blood and scream situation? All of these questions left unanswered because of your shoddy reporting.

If this story doesn’t go national, it’s your own fault.

That’s how it happens.

thanks @danarestia

CHICAGO(CBS) – Starting this week, Chicago police are changing their responses to 911 calls. They’ll no longer come right away to reports of things like criminal damage to property, vehicle thefts, garage burglaries, or other crimes in which the suspect is no longer on the scene, and the victim isn’t in immediate danger. The move will free up the equivalent of 44 police officers a day for patrol duties. CBS 2′s Jim Williams spoke to some Chicagoans who think it’s the wrong move for the police. On the block where burglars broke into a home on Christmas Day, Carmen Curio has a strong opinion on the city’s new 911 response plan. “I think that’s ridiculous. I think if there’s a burglary, they’ve got to come. It’s what we pay for. They have to come,” she said.

This is the kind of stuff that angers me as a Philadelphian and a Philly fan. There are places in this country that are legit crazy. Places where people get stabbed in stadiums for wearing the wrong color jersey, places where psychos do scary amounts of laboratory street drugs and eat people’s faces, and places where the murder rate is so high the police no longer have time to respond to burglaries and stolen cars. Sure our city has got its share of major issues, but police that schedule you in like the cable company in a city where it’s illegal to own a nail clipper? That shit is major.

Best of luck to you, Chi Town. Lock your doors and call the Slomin Shield.

Philly.com – Now, Dick Yuengling may be throwing back a few of his own brews after receiving a civil lawsuit from the city that claims his brewery, D.G. Yuengling and Son Inc., has failed to pay more than $6.6 million in city taxes, interest and penalty fees. How does a Pottsville-based beer company that doesn’t have a brewery or a plant in Philadelphia come to owe millions in business-income and -receipts taxes to the city? It’s not clear, because no one from the city would comment on the suit or explain even the basic foundation of the claims. The business-income and -receipts tax (BIRT), formerly known as the business-privilege tax (BPT), can be levied on any person or corporation that engages in taxable activity within the city, even if that business is not in the city. What the city constitutes as a taxable activity “is essentially a factual determination made on a case-by-case basis,” according to the regulations listed on the city’s website.

These are the types of stories that give the conservative media raging anger boners that only lots and lots of shouting can satisfy. $6.6 million based on some tax they kinda just made up and decided Yuengling needs to pay while refusing to divulge even the smallest bit of detail as to why? Shady-ass city being shady.

It’s a wonder who the Yuengling guys pissed off to make this sorta thing happen. Did Dick Yuengling leave a bloody hooker in Mayor Nutter’s beach house? Are the Yuengling trucks involved in the heroin trade and the company failed to pay the city their cut? So many possibilities.

Whatever it is doesn’t matter unless the price of Black & Tan goes up. Then we have a problem.

Does it make perfect sense to have Hamels take the mound Day 1 with Halladay dropping down to third? Sure. Does it look weird? Absolutely.

[via]

The dance probably should have died by now, but thank God it didn’t before the A’s used it as a rallying tool long enough for some genius in Oakland to design these bobbleheads. Possibly the greatest bobblehead ever made. Did I say possibly? I meant definitely without any doubts.

Reader Email

I would absolutely let this Aussie squat on my face. No question.

You say that like Aussie’s are specifically known for their face-squatting.

I’m a Natasha Oakley fan because her Google images is like a pervert picture lover’s heaven. Billions of them. Instagram has changed the game forever, folks.

(127 votes, average: 9.45 out of 10)

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requests, send ‘em: phillytips@barstoolsports.com

Liveleak Description

Las Vegas police agree to pay $100,000 to beaten videographer.Crooks was videotaping police from his driveway the night of March 20 as officers investigated a burglary across the street near East Desert Inn Road and South Maryland Parkway. As Colling was driving away, he stopped his car, got out and approached Crooks.He ordered Crooks to stop filming, and when Crooks refused, Colling beat him, according to the lawsuit.

Well, he DID say he didn’t live there. We all heard him.

No way this guy should have only walked away with $100 grand, although if it were me I’d take a police ass-beating 8 days a week for that kind of money. Whine like a pussy on camera and enter all the world’s of hurt this fat Vegas cop can dish out. That’s no more Sallie Mae debt, a new car, and a healthy savings all for a couple broken ribs and a facial laceration or two. Hell if it were me I would have thrown all of my personal convictions aside and called up ambulance chasing Rev. Sharpton to make it as racial as possible. Probably would have tripled my money.

Police brutality, abuse of power, and ignorance of the law are never to be tolerated. Unless you can get six figures out of it.

Would you take the beating for the money?
Vote 1 for No I Have Dignity Blah Blah and 10 for Kick My Ass And Wire It To My Checking
(247 votes, average: 9.74 out of 10)
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theatlantic – In the last few years, they had seen several cases of male prisoners with skin infections on their genitals. These infections were a consequence of foreign bodies having been inserted under the skin of the penis. … Her team’s survey, which is the foundation of a recent study published in Plos One, found that almost 6 percent of male prisoners in correctional facilities in Queensland and New South Wales had a penile implant. … previous literature on the topic which suggests that these types of penile implants are intended to make the bearer more memorable to their sexual partner, to pledge allegiance to a gang or–more disturbingly–to inflict pain during sex. Some of the objects that have been inserted under the penile skin include beads made from melted toothpaste caps, buttons, dice, and deodorant roller balls. And the implants themselves have a variety of names, such as pearls, Yakuza beads, penile inserts, penile marbles, and speed bumps. One of the men, a 25-year-old from a Texan prison, placed a heart carved out of a domino through an incision into his mid-dorsal foreskin that he made with the tip of a ballpoint pen. “Clearly since they don’t have access to sterilized scalpel blades, or even disposable scalpel blades, there’s got to be a risk, as a minimum, of local wound infection,” said Donovan. “They also wouldn’t have access to suture materials, so they would probably tape it [the wound] over with sticky tape or something.”

“Speed bumps” is a phrase that sticks with you. Kind of like the first time I heard Chris Rock explain what tossing salad meant. Speed bumps.

Obviously prison just got 50% more frightening than it was yesterday. Instead of merely getting beaten, emasculated, and eventually plugged in the dirthole, today’s prisoners are getting beaten, emasculated, and plugged in the dirthole by an angry gay rapist with a penis full of crudely-carved dice and poorly-tended open sores. The odds of you getting AIDS from a ripped-up butt just jumped exponentially.

Not saying that I blame these guys for even having the idea — I don’t. If I were a psychotic prison rapist and my main goal in life was to punish fresh fish on the line, why would’t I get crazy penis surgeries to increase my enjoyment? It’s like putting a spoiler on the back of your car. Dick dice and maybe a few melted toothpaste caps to look like the shape of a skull? Sew ‘em in. Those are the speed bumps of a jailhouse Alpha.

Skeet skeet skeet motherfuckers! Can’t wait to line this jacked up, gun toting President up against what’s left of my ’90′s wrestling figurines. Bret “The Hitman” Hart hasn’t been challenged since ’96 when we put him, Hulk Hogan, The Bushwhackers and The Ultimate Warrior in the oven and was the lone survivor before the match concluded prematurely when my father smelled smoke and started hitting me with a belt. Thus ended the first and only Holocaust Memorial Royal Rumble in the Smith household. But here we have just another dose of blatent liberal propaganda. A metaphor of an overly strong Nobama who is for some reason in blacker face holding the only legal gun left in this country, smiling because he just made a deal with Russia to conceive all our future babies after taking a shit Ronald Reagan’s grave. Seems legit enough.

That’s weird, I don’t see “Los Angeles” or “London” anywhere.

Eh, small improvement I guess.

(118 votes, average: 9.04 out of 10)

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[Protestors in rear, unable to clearly hear him]

“Oh shit a real Indian! That’s awesome. They’re such a brave and noble people. Wow — he looks riled up. Probably saying something about how humans and nature are all connected as one or how his family’s casino has the loosest slots in the state. Shame what happened to them. You’d think the Redskins would’ve changed their name by now. I never supported the logo, anyway. Hey, you think he’d do a rain dance…I’m frying out here. Haha y-yeah I’m just kidding. I kid. I’m a joker. But really I’m glad he’s here to support the cause. If anybody doesn’t want more people on their land its gotta be loudmouth Chief Strollerfoot over here. Hey — let’s go get a hot dog man I’m tired of standing.”

“The trash? Shit I don’t know man just toss it there’s probably people who clean that up.”