Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Around Barstool

Native American Crashes Anti-Immigration Rally, Curses Out Protestors

[Protestors in rear, unable to clearly hear him]

“Oh shit a real Indian! That’s awesome. They’re such a brave and noble people. Wow — he looks riled up. Probably saying something about how humans and nature are all connected as one or how his family’s casino has the loosest slots in the state. Shame what happened to them. You’d think the Redskins would’ve changed their name by now. I never supported the logo, anyway. Hey, you think he’d do a rain dance…I’m frying out here. Haha y-yeah I’m just kidding. I kid. I’m a joker. But really I’m glad he’s here to support the cause. If anybody doesn’t want more people on their land its gotta be loudmouth Chief Strollerfoot over here. Hey — let’s go get a hot dog man I’m tired of standing.”

“The trash? Shit I don’t know man just toss it there’s probably people who clean that up.”

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 1:55 PM

Introducing The New Jaguars Logo

VS.

That’s weird, I don’t see “Los Angeles” or “London” anywhere.

Eh, small improvement I guess.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (118 votes, average: 9.04 out of 10)
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By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 4:19 PM

Current Rotation On Phillies.com Has Order As Hamels, Lee, Halladay

Does it make perfect sense to have Hamels take the mound Day 1 with Halladay dropping down to third? Sure. Does it look weird? Absolutely.

[via]

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 12:52 PM

Oakland A’s May Have Reached The Pinnacle Of Bobbleheadedness With This Coco Crisp Figure That Does The Bernie Dance

The dance probably should have died by now, but thank God it didn’t before the A’s used it as a rallying tool long enough for some genius in Oakland to design these bobbleheads. Possibly the greatest bobblehead ever made. Did I say possibly? I meant definitely without any doubts.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 2:30 PM

Would You Get Your Ass Kicked By The Police For A $100,000 Settlement?

Liveleak Description

Las Vegas police agree to pay $100,000 to beaten videographer.Crooks was videotaping police from his driveway the night of March 20 as officers investigated a burglary across the street near East Desert Inn Road and South Maryland Parkway. As Colling was driving away, he stopped his car, got out and approached Crooks.He ordered Crooks to stop filming, and when Crooks refused, Colling beat him, according to the lawsuit.

Well, he DID say he didn’t live there. We all heard him.

No way this guy should have only walked away with $100 grand, although if it were me I’d take a police ass-beating 8 days a week for that kind of money. Whine like a pussy on camera and enter all the world’s of hurt this fat Vegas cop can dish out. That’s no more Sallie Mae debt, a new car, and a healthy savings all for a couple broken ribs and a facial laceration or two. Hell if it were me I would have thrown all of my personal convictions aside and called up ambulance chasing Rev. Sharpton to make it as racial as possible. Probably would have tripled my money.

Police brutality, abuse of power, and ignorance of the law are never to be tolerated. Unless you can get six figures out of it.

Would you take the beating for the money?
Vote 1 for No I Have Dignity Blah Blah and 10 for Kick My Ass And Wire It To My Checking
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (247 votes, average: 9.74 out of 10)
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By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 3:15 PM

This Obama Clay-Pigeon Shooting Action Figure Looks Ready To Take Away Your Guns, Women And Freedom

HUFFPO – Barack Obama’s recent admission that he enjoyed skeet shooting at Camp David — and the subsequent photo — have been shot around the Internet. Now, Herobuilders, a Connecticut-based company, is gunning for some media attention by creating an action figure of the president shooting skeet. The $19.95 doll features the commander in chief wearing a sweatshirt with the words “clay pigeons” on it and is accessorized with a hunting shotgun. Although the head of the toy looks like Obama — with a slightly more demented grin — the muscle-bound arms seem to belong more to an 1980s-era action star like Dolph Lundgren than the comparatively skinny president.

Skeet skeet skeet motherfuckers! Can’t wait to line this jacked up, gun toting President up against what’s left of my ’90′s wrestling figurines. Bret “The Hitman” Hart hasn’t been challenged since ’96 when we put him, Hulk Hogan, The Bushwhackers and The Ultimate Warrior in the oven and was the lone survivor before the match concluded prematurely when my father smelled smoke and started hitting me with a belt. Thus ended the first and only Holocaust Memorial Royal Rumble in the Smith household. But here we have just another dose of blatent liberal propaganda. A metaphor of an overly strong Nobama who is for some reason in blacker face holding the only legal gun left in this country, smiling because he just made a deal with Russia to conceive all our future babies after taking a shit Ronald Reagan’s grave. Seems legit enough.

By smitty posted February 5th, 2013 at 4:40 PM

Prison Inmates Getting Infections From Sewing Dice Into Their Foreskin And Other Penis Implants

theatlanticIn the last few years, they had seen several cases of male prisoners with skin infections on their genitals. These infections were a consequence of foreign bodies having been inserted under the skin of the penis. … Her team’s survey, which is the foundation of a recent study published in Plos One, found that almost 6 percent of male prisoners in correctional facilities in Queensland and New South Wales had a penile implant. … previous literature on the topic which suggests that these types of penile implants are intended to make the bearer more memorable to their sexual partner, to pledge allegiance to a gang or–more disturbingly–to inflict pain during sex. Some of the objects that have been inserted under the penile skin include beads made from melted toothpaste caps, buttons, dice, and deodorant roller balls. And the implants themselves have a variety of names, such as pearls, Yakuza beads, penile inserts, penile marbles, and speed bumps. One of the men, a 25-year-old from a Texan prison, placed a heart carved out of a domino through an incision into his mid-dorsal foreskin that he made with the tip of a ballpoint pen. “Clearly since they don’t have access to sterilized scalpel blades, or even disposable scalpel blades, there’s got to be a risk, as a minimum, of local wound infection,” said Donovan. “They also wouldn’t have access to suture materials, so they would probably tape it [the wound] over with sticky tape or something.”

“Speed bumps” is a phrase that sticks with you. Kind of like the first time I heard Chris Rock explain what tossing salad meant. Speed bumps.

Obviously prison just got 50% more frightening than it was yesterday. Instead of merely getting beaten, emasculated, and eventually plugged in the dirthole, today’s prisoners are getting beaten, emasculated, and plugged in the dirthole by an angry gay rapist with a penis full of crudely-carved dice and poorly-tended open sores. The odds of you getting AIDS from a ripped-up butt just jumped exponentially.

Not saying that I blame these guys for even having the idea — I don’t. If I were a psychotic prison rapist and my main goal in life was to punish fresh fish on the line, why would’t I get crazy penis surgeries to increase my enjoyment? It’s like putting a spoiler on the back of your car. Dick dice and maybe a few melted toothpaste caps to look like the shape of a skull? Sew ‘em in. Those are the speed bumps of a jailhouse Alpha.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 1:15 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Melanie

Welcome Melanie from La Salle. If I’m not mistaken this is our first Smokeshow repping La Salle in a little while. Maybe Melanie will get the ball rolling. Explorers — it’s your time to shine.

Nominate a Smokeshow –> phillytips@barstoolsports.com.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Get Me This Gravity Chair!!

CHAIR.

Had it all wrong with the blanket chair — that’s dumb.  I don’t just want this fancy-ass $2000 Stokke Gravity Chair. I NEED it. And don’t try to knock me off track by saying it won’t feel as comfortable as it looks or that it’s dangerous or that it obviously only looks cool because of the photography:

Squash all that. When I picture myself in this chair I imagine  huge open-spaces with gigantic windows, high ceilings, and relaxing sunlight just like my apartment doesn’t have. Yes sir. This is without a doubt the one material item that will finally bring about happiness and contentment in my life.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 3:58 PM

Fat Broad Suing LA Fitness For Making Her Do ‘Sexually Suggestive’ Exercises She Claims Hurt Her So Bad Emotionally She Can’t Work Out Anywhere Ever


cbsA Dallas woman has filed suit against L-A Fitness for comments and exercises her trainers made her do. She says they were sexually suggestive. You would think the suit filed would be for sexual harassment. But no, Chase Laws, the attorney who filed it, said that would be for the workplace. “He would answer bluntly, ‘So, I can see your chest move while you do it. And, not in an exercising kind of way. More in a sexual way,” Johnson said. ut she said nothing. She just stopped going only to return for a new trainer. But the new trainer also made sexually suggestive comments, even sending her a vulgar text. Her five-year-old son had the phone when it came in. He filed a suit saying Jamie Johnson had suffered traumatic emotional distress and couldn’t function through her daily activities. And, because of that, her husband suffered too. Johnson said she tried going back to a gym regularly but hasn’t been able to.

So what you’re claiming, lady, is that the hyper-fit workout maniac personal trainers got such a hard-on for your dangling triceps fat and chubby gorilla mams that not one but TWO of them saw past the miles of yoga pants and tight abs to make sexual passes at you. So many come-on attempts that it caused you (and your husband) TRAUMA and is the sole reason why you don’t go regularly to another gym. Right. Just wanted to make sure we had it all out on the table.

Jamie, you’re literally a great big fat liar.

Unless each of these personal trainers were also 45 year-old out of shape black electricians, there’s no way people can believe that this series of events happened in reality. These comments and ONE text message from the guy TRAUMATIZED you so much that you can’t work out at ANY gym? That’s got fat kid excuse rubbed all over it.

“I would like to have these guys realize they can’t treat women this way.” “And also lots of money. Lots and lots of free money.”

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Zac Rinaldo Beats BJ Crombeen Into A Stumbling Mess

That’s how it happens.

thanks @danarestia

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 9:38 PM

Girl And Guy High Schoolers Have Their Fingers Ripped Off During Game Of Tug-Of-War

SvgtribuneAn innocent game of tug-of-war turned tragic Monday afternoon when two South El Monte High School students had their fingers severed. The students, a boy and a girl, were participating in the lunchtime Spirit Week activity celebrating homecoming when they were injured, El Monte Union High School District Assistant Superintendent Edward Zuniga said. Neither he nor other district officials would release the students’ names or ages. The girl is a senior and varsity soccer player, while the boy is a football player. Los Angeles County Fire Capt. Miguel Garcia said firefighters responded at 12:20 p.m. to the school at 1001 Durfee Ave. “Fingers (were) amputated during some type of tug-of-war,” Garcia said. “They were transported by ambulance to a trauma center.” The students were taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center after their fingers were torn off, Fire Department officials said. “They are both stable and the parents were by their bedside,” said hospital spokeswoman Rosa Sacca. “They were getting ready to be taken to the operating room to try to re-attach the fingers.Authorities didn’t say how many fingers the girl and the boy lost. It is unknown how many other teens were participating in the tug-of-war, Zuniga said.

Sgvtribune, you’ve got this entire article screwed up. It’s hollow. Here we are, the readers, expecting to leave this story understanding all of the important elements that make up a story, and you just handed us an empty cup.

HOW!?

How did these kids get their fingers ripped off? THAT’S the whole point of the story. After us knowing how many fingers they lost — which you also failed to tell us — the process by which they lost the fingers is easily the number two most important piece of information. We’re they on the same team and the other team let go? Were they on opposite teams and everybody thought it would be funny to prank them and all stop at the same time? Why was the rope wrapped around their fingers in the first place? Are the fingers now reattached? What was the blood and scream situation? All of these questions left unanswered because of your shoddy reporting.

If this story doesn’t go national, it’s your own fault.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Chicago Buried Under So Many Murders That Police Now No Longer Respond Immediately To Burglaries, Vehicle Thefts, & Simple Assault

 

CHICAGO(CBS)Starting this week, Chicago police are changing their responses to 911 calls. They’ll no longer come right away to reports of things like criminal damage to property, vehicle thefts, garage burglaries, or other crimes in which the suspect is no longer on the scene, and the victim isn’t in immediate danger. The move will free up the equivalent of 44 police officers a day for patrol duties. CBS 2′s Jim Williams spoke to some Chicagoans who think it’s the wrong move for the police. On the block where burglars broke into a home on Christmas Day, Carmen Curio has a strong opinion on the city’s new 911 response plan. “I think that’s ridiculous. I think if there’s a burglary, they’ve got to come. It’s what we pay for. They have to come,” she said.

This is the kind of stuff that angers me as a Philadelphian and a Philly fan. There are places in this country that are legit crazy. Places where people get stabbed in stadiums for wearing the wrong color jersey, places where psychos do scary amounts of laboratory street drugs and eat people’s faces, and places where the murder rate is so high the police no longer have time to respond to burglaries and stolen cars. Sure our city has got its share of major issues, but police that schedule you in like the cable company in a city where it’s illegal to own a nail clipper? That shit is major.

Best of luck to you, Chi Town. Lock your doors and call the Slomin Shield.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 10:12 AM

City Of Philadelphia Makes Up Bullshit Tax Claim, Sues Yuengling For $6.6 Million

Philly.comNow, Dick Yuengling may be throwing back a few of his own brews after receiving a civil lawsuit from the city that claims his brewery, D.G. Yuengling and Son Inc., has failed to pay more than $6.6 million in city taxes, interest and penalty fees. How does a Pottsville-based beer company that doesn’t have a brewery or a plant in Philadelphia come to owe millions in business-income and -receipts taxes to the city? It’s not clear, because no one from the city would comment on the suit or explain even the basic foundation of the claims. The business-income and -receipts tax (BIRT), formerly known as the business-privilege tax (BPT), can be levied on any person or corporation that engages in taxable activity within the city, even if that business is not in the city. What the city constitutes as a taxable activity “is essentially a factual determination made on a case-by-case basis,” according to the regulations listed on the city’s website.

These are the types of stories that give the conservative media raging anger boners that only lots and lots of shouting can satisfy. $6.6 million based on some tax they kinda just made up and decided Yuengling needs to pay while refusing to divulge even the smallest bit of detail as to why? Shady-ass city being shady.

It’s a wonder who the Yuengling guys pissed off to make this sorta thing happen. Did Dick Yuengling leave a bloody hooker in Mayor Nutter’s beach house? Are the Yuengling trucks involved in the heroin trade and the company failed to pay the city their cut? So many possibilities.

Whatever it is doesn’t matter unless the price of Black & Tan goes up. Then we have a problem.

By maurice posted February 5th, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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