Doug Collins: One Man’s Slow Journey Towards Insanity

It was easy to spot last year. Doug Collins on the sideline all yelled out by the early 4th quarter, sitting there with his head in his hand looking like a diagram for early stroke warnings. Whether it was Lou Will taking a bad contested fadeaway or Evan Turner breathing too loud you could see the frustration and pain on Doug’s face every night.

Yet things have changed lately. After putting up a pathetic performance against the Pacers last night, instead of looking like he’s about to clutch his chest Red Fox style, he had this weird psychotic glimmer in his eye. Cracking jokes about the man-to-man defense looking so bad that people thought it was zone. Smiling broadly when asked about the team’s deficiencies. It’s fucking freaky. Doug Collins is 100% going insane.

His start to last night’s press conference: “I really don’t even know what to say so why don’t you fire some questions at me maybe you could help me out.”

It could be his final “fuck it” after feeling screwed by the schedule (historically long home & away stretches) or by injuries or even by front office decisions, but whatever it is it’s scary to watch. You heard it here first Doug Collins is gonna snap on somebody if this All-Star break doesn’t come fast enough.

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 9:37 AM

Egyptian Prime Minister: Diarrhea Outbreak Caused By Female Villagers Not Keeping Their Breasts Clean Enough

ArbroathCabinet meetings usually discuss the state of economy, wars and general matters of governance. However, Egypt’s Prime Minister Hisham Qandil recently utilized a meeting to talk about the dangers of “unclean” breasts. The PhD holding prime minister who studied water resources, somehow, related the lack of clean water to the lack of clean breasts. While meeting with his cabinet members he spoke in an emotional manner as he recounted the struggle of the villagers he witnessed on his trips as a minister. He narrated his experience as a middle-class Egyptian who travelled to the rural areas of the country where he saw the suffering of newborns having to deal with diarrhoea after being breast fed. The prime minister claimed that the reason behind the diarrhoea epidemic in rural Egypt is that some female villagers are too ignorant to clean their breasts before feeding their babies.

I feel like if you live in the type of nation where you can get in front of a podium and say that the country’s diarrhea problem is caused not by the filthy brown doodoo water pouring out of the faucets but instead by widespread ignorance of the connection between nipple sanitation and the Hershey squirts, you probably also live in the type of nation where you can tell the media to fuck off. Why even answer these questions in the first place? You’re a democratically-elected country now…these people voted for YOU! No way “unclean breasts” is any better an answer than “shut the fuck up I’ll handle it”.

PS – I want to thank Prime Minister Hasham Qandil for giving me the opportunity to write the phrase “diarrhea breasts” in my lifetime.

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Not So Sure How Pres Is Gonna Take This News That Belichick and Kobe Are Besties

espn“I’m sitting there on the bench, just beside myself, burning with frustration, and I look over and Bill Belichick is walking toward me,” Kobe recalled. “I had never met him. Never spoken to him. He had courtside seats across from our bench, and with 20 seconds left in the game, he came over and said, ‘Don’t you worry about this. I know what you are going through. We just lost a tough one ourselves [to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII]. Just bounce back. Be ready next year.’ “He didn’t have to say that. The clock was winding down, we were getting ready to walk off. I thought it was really cool. Respect across our professions.” Since then, Belichick and Bryant habitually have talked shop when Kobe comes to Boston. Last season, Belichick visited the Lakers’ locker room and shared some pearls of coaching wisdom. “He talked to me about how he coaches the game, how he minimizes mistakes, the value of a possession,” Kobe reported. “Very interesting topics.” In spite of his newfound respect for the HC of the New England Patriots, Kobe said he hasn’t switched pro football allegiances. “No, I’m an Eagles fan, for better or for worse,” he said. “I”ve got my fingers crossed that this Chip Kelly dude will work out.” Asked if Belichick would be visiting with him on Thursday, Bryant answered, “I’m hoping Gronk will be there. I like him. He seems to perform at a high level every time out. Last time we were in town we talked for a little bit. He was a fun guy.

Gotta be rough when your favorite team’s all time greatest coach and personal sports savior admits to having a great relationship with your biggest sports rival. Or was it LeBron? Oh it’s Kobe now? Okay…even better.

I can imagine it now: Bill and Kobe sharing a banana split in the ice cream parlor sharing tales of sports dominance. Laughing about how sweaty Paul Pierce gets or why Peyton Manning sucks in the playoffs.  ”Oops, Bill, you dropped a little on your hoodie. Let me get that for you.”

While Pres is worried about his beloved football coach sharing many of the same personality traits as The Mamba, to many of us it makes perfect sense. Greatness recognizes greatness. And even if Billy B is a signal-taping cheater who hasn’t won a Super Bowl since the League took his cameras, Kobe’s a big enough man to still respect him as one of the best ever. Match made in friendship heaven.

Cue the music!


Zack Attack – Friends Forever

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Report: Eagles To Hire Billy Davis As Defensive Coordinator

csnVeteran defensive coach Billy Davis, who has had stints coaching with the Panthers, Browns, Packers, Falcons, Giants, 49ers, Cards and Browns, will be the Eagles’ next defensive coordinator, two league sources told CSNPhilly.com Thursday morning. Davis most recently coached on Pat Shurmur’s staff with the Browns the last two years. Shurmur is also joining Chip Kelly’s new staff with the Eagles. The Eagles have not commented on or confirmed any coaching moves since Kelly was named head coach. In four years as an NFL defensive coordinator – two with the 49ers and two with the Cards – Davis has never had a unit ranked higher than 14th in points allowed or 20th in yards allowed. Davis’s father, Bill Davis, was a front-office executive with the Eagles briefly in 1988 and 1989, but resigned after losing a power struggle with head coach Buddy Ryan. Davis, who has operated both the 3-4 and 4-3 along the way in his coaching career, becomes the Eagles’ fifth defensive coordinator in six years. The addition of Davis ends a long, mysterious process that saw the Eagles associated with Alabama defensive coordinator Kirby Smart and Georgia defensive coordinator Todd Grantham and also linked with Ravens linebackers coach Ted Monachino and 49ers secondary coach Ted Donatel.

What happened to this team? There was a point in time where the Eagles were stockpiling talent and shipping off our practice squad garbage to teams like the Jags, Cardinals, and Browns. Now we’re stealing two Browns coaches to come in and run vital parts of the Eagles? It doesn’t feel safe.

This had to have been Plan B or even Plan C. With Ted Donatel from the Niners not granted permission to interview things had to have blown up in their faces. That, or Chip Kelly straight up doesn’t even want to play defense:

Chip: Hey, HEY you!

Billy Davis: Yes?

Chip: I don’t have a lot of time right now I gotta go pretend to love Cheez Whiz and scrapple at some mall in Jersey…you wanna coordinate our defense?

Billy Davis: But–I was just getting some water out of the fountain waiting for Coach Shurmur–

Chip: You wanna coordinate the defense or not?

Billy Davis: Su-sure.

Chip: Press conference is on Monday. Hey– don’t fuck up.


By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Kai The Homeless Hatchet Hitchiker’s Autotune Just Dropped Plus A Bonus Interview By The Double Watch Wearing Douche Reporter

Meh. Thought it was going to be a lot better but it is what it is. Still would take the normal interview or original newscast any day of the week.

The double watch wearing douche reporter who needs both wrists to remind himself it’s time to lose his virginity apparently caught up with Kai for this half assed report.

PS – How much homeless hippie puss is Kai pulling down now? Dude’s gotta be the DiCaprio of the boxcars.

By smitty posted February 7th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

So Cole Hamels Has An Ethiopian Baby Now

Right. So this is what we know: Cole applied to adopt a baby from Ethiopia back in 2009 and apparently he succeeded.

I can’t even hide how much I love this. The cynical part of me wants to hate on him for following the Hollywood path of adopting foreign babies and parading them around like they were a little black designer handbags, but I can’t be mad at this. Look at this picture! Classic high-class Americana. Looks like a goddamned Ralph Lauren ad.

Cole Hamels is officially on the maurice Can’t-Do-Wrong list. And all it took was 216 strikeouts and an adopted African child to get there.

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Eagles Hire Alabama OL Coach Jeff Stoutland, Danny Watkins Still A Reality

philadelphiaeagles.comAccording to a FootballScoop.com report, Alabama offensive line coach Jeff Stoutland will be joining the Eagles in the same capacity under head coach Chip Kelly. Stoutland just completed his second year at Alabama, helping the Crimson Tide win back-to-back BCS National Championships. In his two seasons under head coach Nick Saban, Stoutland’s line produced some of the best linemen in college football. In 2011, his unit allowed the second-fewest sacks in the SEC. Left tackle Barrett Jones and center William Vlachos were both named first team All-SEC. That year, Jones won the Outland Award, given to the best interior lineman in football. In 2012, Jones and guard Chance Warmack earned first team All-SEC honors. Jones switched to center but still found great success, winning the Rimington Trophy, given to the best center in the nation.

Normally offensive line coach signings aren’t a big deal, but when your team’s line was as historically bad as the Eagles’ was last year and when you sign the coach of one of the greatest offensive lines in recent college memory it’s something worth discussing. Every Birds fan has gotta love this move. Stoutland’s group in the Championship game ran over Manti Te’o physically as bad as thousands of late-night dude-on-dude phone calls with Tuiasosopo ran over him psychologically. The whole Irish team and most of the SEC, too.

Stoutland can’t make Danny Watkins or Jason Peters’ double ruptured Achilles disappear, but at least it shows Chip can reel in the big fish.

Except at Defensive Coordinator, I suppose.

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 4:05 PM

Canada Gets Rid Of Their Penny, American Penny’s Days Are Numbered

TheProvinceDistribution of the Canadian penny ends Monday, but with about six billion of them in circulation it’s not clear how long the little coins will stay in use. The penny is being retired because it actually costs 1.6 cents to produce and the federal government believes it can save $11 million a year by getting rid of the coins. While the last penny was actually produced by the Royal Canadian Mint on May 4 and they’re not going to be distributed any more, Mint spokeswoman Christine Aquino said pennies remain legal tender and can still be used for purchases or exchanged at financial institutions. But she couldn’t say how long it will take for the Mint to reclaim those billions of pennies. “We have never done this in Canada,” said Aquino. “We estimate three to four years [to get pennies out of circulation].” Without using pennies, merchants are expect to round the final cash purchase price up or down.

Canada is pretty much like America’s NCAA. They’re more liberal than us so a lot of our future legislation gets tested out on them first, much like the 3-point line or read-option offense. But just like with the NCAA and the pros, if Canada ever tried anything we with 100% certainty would stomp the maple out of their asses.

With regards to the penny — there’s money to be made here, right? Since they’re still charging penny amounts on credit and debit cards but rounding for cash, someone could literally make tens of dollars over the course of a lifetime by using only cash. Or only buy things they know will round down. Or a really smart person could start a business with a whole series of machines that instantly turn plastic cards into physical cash.

…What’s that? I’m being told those do already exist and that they’re called ATMs and that they’re literally everywhere.

Okay, well. Carry on then, Canada.

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 4:45 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Alessandra

Welcome Alessandra from La Salle. And with that we put another successful Smokeshow week in the books.

Couldn’t do it without you guys. Nominate a Smokeshow to keep up the positive mojo: phillytips@barstoolsports.com

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Of Course Super Bowl Sign Language Guy Has Hand Insurance

Something about this man totally captivates me. Probably the most flamboyant deaf guy I’ve ever seen. And he conveys that without forcing us to listen to his creepy numb deaf person voice (looking at you, deaf actress).

Maybe it’s the leather jacket or the 3 cans of Dapper Dan or the 5 layers of bronzer, but something about him is mesmerizing. If anyone should be green lighted for a show it’s him. The Quiet Show with Super Bowl Sign Language Guy.

Make it happen, Fox.

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Greatest White Girl Twerk Video In The History Of Caucasia [NSFW]

Here I was cruising Worldstar hoping for a obese girlfight or Lil B freestyle and stumbled across the twerk video to end all twerk videos. Plus she’s a white girl! We’ve seen how these videos have gone in the past (A & B) so for this chick to put on the show she did is like Jackie Robinson hitting a grand slam in the World Series.

Perhaps I should be offended that a white chick went this hard on one of our most sacred past times during Black History Month of all months, but that goes against the good Reverend Doctor’s message of equality and togetherness. Besides — how could anyone be upset with an ass like this? Twerk videos like these are something brothers and sisters of all colors and creeds can appreciate.

“Judge one not by the color of their skin but by the contour of their ass cheeks.”
-maurice

By maurice posted February 7th, 2013 at 3:25 PM

Cambridge Professor Says Every Alcholoic Drink After Your First One Takes 15 Minutes Off Your Life

MENSHEALTH – It’s hard to conceptualize how something you do today might affect you in 30 or 40 years, David Spiegelhalter, Ph.D., a professor of biostatistics at the University of Cambridge tells MensHealth.com. That’s where Spiegelhalter’s quirk of statistics comes in. He thinks about the effect of specific activities on your longevity in terms of “microlives”–30-minute windows. Break the numbers down and you’ll see just how binge drinking cuts years from your life: After the first one, which increases your lifespan by 30 minutes, every alcoholic drink that you down today brings you 15 minutes closer to death.

Well judging by this chart I’ve got a good 45 minutes left to live. This dude Spiegelhalter, whose name sounds like it should be listed in Urban Dictionary between Bugle Boy and the Paul Bunyan Flapjack, has to have the cakest job in the world. Just throw out numbers that have no way of being checked or certified and he’s given a doctorate title and a well over 6-figure salary from one of most prestigous Universities in the world. Would have an easier time scientifically proving other impossible issues like if life after death exists or how the morbidly obese successfully use a toilet.

Assuming you live to the average age of like 74, what the hell is an extra 3.4 years? Would easily rather live my life now during my 20′s getting blacked out and eating NY Stripped than in the end have a couple more years that consist of solely reminiscing about the time when I could do that stuff before I became legitimately worried about shitting my pants on a daily basis. Every man dies, not every man really lives.

By smitty posted February 7th, 2013 at 11:31 AM
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