Time To Fall Back In Love With Aussie Hurdler Michelle Jenneke

Here you thought this chick’s 15 minutes were over. Figured she was buried deep in the Australian outback somewhere pre-hurdle dancing at a nudity-free go-go bar in between selling sugary $2 test tube shots to suckers. How wrong you were.

“Chelle” Jenneke may not be the hottest woman on the planet, but there’s some combination of hotness, athletic ability, and authenticity that makes her way more attractive than most of the chicks in the Swimsuit Issue. She seems genuine. Plus everybody knows runners have the best asses.

How would you rate her overall on a simple 1-10 scale?:

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (681 votes, average: 9.77 out of 10)
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By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 4:55 PM

Don’t Care What Nobody Thinks I Love These Harlem Shake Videos

They’re not even the real Harlem Shake, but me no care. ME NO CARE. This 30-second Harlem Shake drop has been in my head for a week and I find myself dropping this beat in my head and acting like a fool for absolutely no reason. All the time. In the shower I’m flinging soap everywhere risking a very embarrassing tub slip death story. It’s getting ridiculous.

So here’s the main video you’ll need for this dumb fad — just put the clip in 1080p and make it full screen. Watch as many times as you need.

Screw Matt & Kim. Thanks, Rowan chicks expressing themselves with monkeys:

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 2:59 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Local Dancer Who’s Suing Delilah’s For $50K After Her Thumb Was Cut Off During Rehearsals For A G-String Competition?

philly.comAT THE 9TH annual Delilah’s Diamond G-String Competition, dancers used all kinds of props – swords, footballs, hula hoops, stripper’s poles and of course, g-strings – to prove their sex appeal in hopes of winning a $10,000 cash prize. Sarah Berry used a “half moon aerial apparatus” – but her thumb was amputated while she rehearsed before the July 20, 2011, contest, according to a lawsuit filed Friday in Common Pleas Court. Berry, 35, of Roxborough, claims that Delilah’s Den, the competition’s host and creator, failed to ensure that the apparatus was properly designed, built, inspected and tested, and didn’t warn users of its dangers, the lawsuit says. She’s seeking more than $50,000 in damages for “pain and suffering, disfigurement, humiliation and embarrassment.” The digit disaster happened July 18, 2011, at the club on Spring Garden Street near Front, when a sharp edge on the apparatus – a crescent-shaped metal bar suspended from the ceiling – severed her thumb and she fell to the ground, according to her attorney, James D. Golkow. “The show must go on, so they had the show without her, because she had amputated her thumb by then,” Golkow said. “My client actually studied in school to train on this sort of aerial apparatus, with hopes of performing in Broadway shows and circus acts,” Golkow said.

Normally I’m a pretty understanding guy. If a person is wronged and someone else is at fault, I expect that person at fault to compensate the victim. Fair is fair, right?

Having said that, no way Delilah’s should be forced to give this chick a single red cent. Not one. Why? Because Sarah Berry was supposedly a trained professional in the art of slutty half moon aerial apparatus dancing — went to school for it and everything — and still didn’t check her equipment before the accident. Now I didn’t even go to Aerial Whore University and even I know rule #1 of any semi-dangerous G-string competition performance is to CHECK YOUR EQUIPMENT.

If Sarah isn’t going to take the time to respect her craft, equipment, and herself then Delilah’s shouldn’t spend the money respecting her severed thumb.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 4:31 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Caitlin

Welcome Caitlin from Penn State. Barstool Philly with another flawless victory when it comes to Smokeshows. What can you say? When you’re on a roll you’re on a roll.

Send your nominations to [email protected]

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

National Inquirer: Now-Gay Prisoner OJ Simpson Has A Crush On Anquan Bolden And Prefers To Be Called ‘DJ’ For ‘Daddy Juice’

NI [via] – AFTER nearly five years be­hind bars, O.J. SIMPSON’s bizarre be­havior has some of his close friends worried that the former football great has gone gay! “I don’t know what’s happened to O.J.,” an insider told The ENQUIRER. “He used to be Mr. Macho – a die­hard ladies’ man. He preferred the really fine sexy blondes, but being surrounded by only men has changed him. Now O.J. has way too much interest in guys, and he likes to show off his body to the hardened felons when they exercise in the prison yard. He’s doesn’t even talk about women, just about guys. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s straight anymore!” “He couldn’t stop talking about Baltimore Ravens receiver Anquan Boldin,” noted the source. He said, ‘Anquan is my man! What a great look­ing guy!’ Clearly, he wasn’t admiring Boldin just for his football skills. He kept going on about him and some of the other players in a tone that sounded sexual to me. Incredibly, Simpson puts on a one-man show for fellow inmates when they go to exercise. “He’s like a God to the other in­mates,” said the insider. “He prances around flexing his muscles, wearing only a pair of gym shorts. Perhaps the biggest tip-off that O.J. may now be playing for the other side is his choice of prison companions, according to the source. He says the former la­dies’ man hangs out with a group of open­ly homosexual men known as “The Girls.” “He claims they flirt with him and even give him massages. Some even call him ‘DJ’ – short for ‘Daddy Juice.’ ” O.J. has used “The Girls” as his per­sonal posse for years now, added the insider.

Two things to remember about this story:

1 – It’s not true.
2 – It doesn’t matter that it’s not true.

See — OJ’s in jail. Ninety-nine percent of us (not an accurate statistic) have no idea what goes on in those Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prisons except from what we’ve seen on TV. OJ could be a world-class pastry chef in there and we’d never ever be the wiser. Because of this, you have to assume that stories about what goes on in jail are fiction.

To me this feels like some 1984 Orwellian propaganda story the National Inquirer made up simply to make the masses (white people) happy. Like all that old-timey World War propaganda that our boys are fighting hard and winning all the battles. And by the way America, that good-for-nothing OJ remains locked in the clink where all the dames are fellas and the only hooch available is his own Daddy Juice!

Anquan Bolden, too? Sure obviously a guy could marvel at his strength in the slot and how he grabs those deep balls, but he’s second-tier. OJ’s DEFINITELY more of a Ray Lewis man.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Does This Look Like The Face of A Man Who Jerked Off During A Job Interview Not Once But Twice Within 2 Weeks?

JOHNSTON – An employee of a staffing agency on York Street told officers that a man entered the business on Monday, and during the interview process exposed his genitals, according to a report. The victim said the man entered the business and sat down at her desk while she collected information such as his name, previous employer and Social Security number, police said. “The victim stated that during the interview, she looked over and the suspect had his penis out of his pants and in his hand,” the report stated. “The victim stated that the suspect told her, ‘it fell out.’” She ordered the man to leave the building and called police. Merriweather came to Public Safety headquarters for an interview, and officers realized he had a warrant for indecent exposure. “The suspect did state that while he was talking with the victim, his penis fell out of his pants,” the report stated. “The suspect claims that he must have forgotten to zip his pants.” Merriweather is accused in a similar incident that happened on Jan. 31 at an employment agency on Richland Avenue.

The job market is stressful enough these days. Unemployment’s through the roof. Overqualified people working mundane positions left and right. It’s survival of the fittest out there. Willie Merriweather knows he has only about a 15-minute window to show his skill set to the interviewer and he damn well better impress. Unfortunately after being asked about his previous employment and to provide a social security number, whipping his dick out was still probably the best option at that point. The thing has intangibles that can’t be seen on a resume. Willie’s Merriweather got more pucks past the goalie than Wayne Gretzky in his prime. Add a highly visible battle with Hepatitis-C and the fact he’s proving he can multitask with the best of them, you’ve got yourself a worker.

Absolutely love Willie’s excuse for Dannying The DeVito during a job interview: “It fell out.” No need for a trial here on this case, that’s the most fool-proof defense I’ve heard since “The glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” But maybe it just needed some air. Sometimes it can’t breathe down there. It’s inhumane.

By smitty posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:11 AM

The Chip Kelly Eagles: A 3-4 4-3 Defense With An Run-First Offense Except When It’s Pass-Heavy

pftWhen Chip Kelly introduced his coaching staff yesterday, the biggest crowd flocked to defensive coordinator Billy Davis, who was asked the fairly basic question of whether he’d run a 3-4 or a 4-3 defense. “I’m not caught up with labels,” Kelly said, via Jeff McLane of the Philadelphia Inquirer. “Because I don’t think it’s going to be a ladies-and-gentlemen defense. I think it’s hopefully going to be a defense that creates a lot of turnovers and gets the ball back to our offense.” And while it certainly appears to be leaning toward a three-man front, no one will say so. “I know it’s a vague answer,” Davis said. “Everybody wants to know: Is it 3-4 or is it 4-3? I wouldn’t be a very good coach if I just said it was 3-4. It’s who we have and what we can do with that.”

csn“I think it’s important that you use more than one running back,” Shurmur said. “It’s a long season, and a guy can run out of gas quickly. If you have guys who are different, you can use them in different ways, and you try to play to their strengths. I think that’s important. I’ve always believed there’s a place on the roster for two good running backs. You have your starter, but the other guy needs to play so they can all get through the season.” “If you’re able to run the ball and score points, that’s ideal,” Shurmur said. “You also want to be explosive and efficient throwing the football. Whatever we have to do to score points and win games.”

What if — Philly media members — the new coaches legitimately don’t know what offense and defense they’ll run yet? Yes, it sounds crazy for a team to not understand specifically how it will line up to play offense and defense seven months before the season starts without having yet drafted anybody or signed a single free agent. Yes, they should already be certain of their strategy and share all of that information very publicly with you. It’s all very understandable why you’re upset. Just hear me out.

Perhaps the Charlie Kelly-led Birds know they have a couple of years before they can make this roster what it needs to be — whatever that is. What they want may even change in that time. The ideal strategy and personnel needed to dominate the NFL in 2013 may be different than that necessary to dominate in 2015. That’s how quickly the league evolves. Three years ago everybody was doing the Wildcat, nobody knew about the Pistol, and the Patriots didn’t have a dominant tight end. Things change.

Also, it might be worth considering that the coaching staff isn’t yet positive how things will shake out because the quarterback position is still in flux. Yes, Michael Vick is back on the team with a MAXIMUM contract of $10 million, but if those incentives are for a quarterback who starts every game — Mike won’t come close to that paper. The quarterback come Week 8 may not even currently be on the roster.

Prodding the new coaches for specifics on their offensive and defensive strategies is only doing your job, but it’s no surprise they can’t yet nail down precisely how it will work. Besides, if they had plans set before understanding exactly who they’re working with, it would be a clear sign of coaches unable to adapt to their personnel.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 9:40 AM

Former Penn Basketball Star Stabbed To Death By Wife While Sleeping Because She Caught Him Looking At Porn

Philly.comThe wife of a former University of Pennsylvania basketball star is charged with murder after allegedly stabbing her husband to death in bed, according to court records. Matthew White, 53, of Media, Delaware County was asleep in bed when his wife, Maria Rey Garcia-Pellon stabbed him in the neck in the early hours on Monday, the records say. According to the records, Garcia-Pellon went in the kitchen in the couple’s home sometime around midnight. There, she retrieved a glass of water and two knives. She returned to the bedroom and slipped the knives under her side of the bed. She took one of the knives out as her husband was asleep. She stabbed him in the neck, the records allege. White awoke and the two struggled briefly before he collapsed of his wounds. “I’m dying, I’m dying,” he said. Garcia-Pellon then changed her clothes and left the house. She went to the home of a friend and told her White had allegedly been viewing pornography on a computer and she killed him. The friend called 911. “I caught him looking at pornography, young girls, I love kids,” Garcia-Pellon told investigators. “I had to do it.” Police found White dead in his bed, according to court records. Garcia-Pellon has been charged with first degree murder, criminal homicide and possession of an instrument of crime.

This is by far the scariest and saddest story I’ve come across in some time. Stabbed in the neck while you’re sleeping by your wife because she found out you were looking at porn? This premise is so chilling it could replace the Saw movies as the go-to annual horror money-maker. A whole nation of women getting back at their husbands for watching porn by killing them in their sleep. I’m a horror fan and don’t scare easily but that movie would push me onto the couch for at least a week.

There’s not a man alive who doesn’t fear his woman freaking out and stabbing him while he’s sleeping about some small thing or another. Doesn’t matter if she’s normally violent or not. Doesn’t matter if she has a good reason or not. Women have emotions and that temporary insanity could be the reason you wake up dead one day.

R.I.P. Matthew White.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:57 AM

10 Years In A Basement For $10 Million Game: The Real Necessities

You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.

Got this as part of a tweet yesterday but KFC beat me to the blog. Interesting scenario. In the end, KFC went with

(4) fast food
(5) drugs
(6) Dog
(7) TV
(3) Cell phone 1 day a week
(7) Barry Bonds

Which, as anyone with firing synapses can understand, is totally wrong. Here is the hand-to-God only best way to spend 10 years locked away in a basement.

Full Kitchen – 6 points

How obvious of an answer is this? Fast food…for ten years? That ugly ginger guy almost died eating McDonald’s for 30 days. Ten years would have you in a pine box. It also should be noted that KFC chose fast food and no workout room. Nonsense. Full kitchen stocked with unlimited amounts of everything for 2 extra points over fast food is the bargain of the decade. The decade you will spend alone mastering the culinary arts, later in life wooing any woman who tries your creations.

TV – 7 points

Didn’t wanna do the TV. Thought I’d be able to hack it. But then I noticed that the internet they have for “sale” doesn’t allow downloading or streaming so…gotta have a TV. Can’t avoid it. Also, since I’m passing on the computer/internet (again, no streaming) I need a way to stay informed so I don’t come out thinking Obama is still President when the country has already switched over to speaking Chinese. Lastly — satellite TV has music channels. Suck it, XM.

Skylight – 2 points

Duh. KFC’s gonna be filthy and fat after all that fast food and no gym, now he’s gonna be pale and sickly, too? No thanks. Humans need to see the sun. If you don’t get the skylight you better 100% get the gun because killing yourself in the dark with pool balls isn’t fun.

Gym/Basketball Court/Batting Cages – 5 points

Gonna leave that basement will the sickest post-up game ever. Inside, outside, mid-range — I’d have it all. Whole body completely ripped to shreds. Probably a few scars and concussions from some batting cage mistakes but whatever. 24/7 indoor basketball court and full gym takes no brains.

Drugs – 5 points

MAYBE the most essential of them all. Ten years is a long time and you’re gonna need drugs to help pass it. A whole lot of painkillers, a heap of attention drugs, and the best THC they can find. Definite necessity.

Library – 4 points

Every book ever? Easy choice. Would I end up just watching TV and never reading like I do right now? Probably. But you gotta have the choice. Can’t not read a book for 10 years.

Phone – 3 points

At this point you may have noticed that I don’t give a fuck about company. The slutty hot chick would be nice but she’s not worth 18 points. Barry Bonds would be annoying and I don’t need a decade-long roommate telling me the same PED stories over and over. I no doubt would have taken the cat over the dog since after a decade locked in a basement that dog would be miserable and the place would smell like dogshit and probably dead dog. Cat would be low-maintenance. But I’m taking neither — all contact will happen once a week by cell phone. Facetime all day with the people you love. Who needs Barry Bonds?

Hygiene – 3 points

Gotta stay fresh.

That’s 35 points — good for $5 million. With nothing to do but learn international delicacies, read the greatest works man’s ever written, hit vaporizer bags, and sculpt my body until I’m LeBron one-handing from the stripe, 10 years would be easy.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Mike Vick: ‘I Feel Like I Can Still Run For 1,000 Yards’

Philly.comMichael Vick said this morning his recent injury problems came from “trying to protect myself,” so he plans to be less cautious as a quarterback. “I think what I have to do is just go out and play lights-out football and not worry about getting hurt,” he said on ESPN radio’s Mike & Mike in the Morning, aired locally on 97.5 The Fanatic. He also said he hopes to play for another four or five years.

BSOVick said on Mike and Mike in the Morning that he expects “to be one of the elite quarterbacks in the league again” playing for Chip Kelly. And he referenced his final season with the Falcons, when he ran for an NFL quarterback record 1,039 yards, as something he believes he can match. “In 2006 I ran for 1,000 yards — and it wasn’t hard,” Vick said. “I feel like I still can do that.”

“I can’t. But I still feel like I can!”

This is where as a journalist looking for clues you have to read between the lines a bit. Why would Mike out of nowhere start talking about 1,000-yard rushing seasons? Remember: this is a guy who might be the starting quarterback who has spoken to Chip Kelly several times. Throw all of that junk about “can’t talk X’s and O’s” down the junk chute with the rest of the junk. Mike knows something we don’t, and whether he wanted to or not he just gave us a clue.

Chip wants Mike to run, or at the very least present the threat to run. Chip doesn’t yet know if Mike CAN present that threat, so just in case he still can he asked Jeff to pay him. Mike still sees himself as a runner. It’ll be interesting to see whether Chip sees the same thing.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 2:17 PM

Video: Mike Bibby Tupac Walked Out Of His Son’s High School Game After Police Forced Him To Leave

ABC15This season, Bibby has been attending games to watch his son – point guard Michael Bibby. As usual, Bibby was in the stands for this sectional game. He was arguing with the refs until he was forced to leave with a police escort, thereby creating quite the memorable moment – for all the wrong reasons.

Not quite the 2Pac walk, but gangster enough with the mix of high schoolers cheering and booing in the background to make it seem similar. Fresh-faced Bibby iced-out in sweatpants looking like a 22 year-old about to go on Spring Break 2004.

What a strange life being the son of a pro athlete must live. On the positive side you’re probably wealthy, have a cell phone background picture of you shooting pool with LeBron James, and bang out a few groupies in high school. As for the negatives, well, you’ve gotta deal with your 34 year-old father blacking lightskinding out on refs in the gym where his jersey is retired on the wall so bad that the local police have to see him out. Then spend a lifetime trying to get out of his shadow.

Maybe it all evens out.

By maurice posted February 12th, 2013 at 1:37 PM
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