Hopefully not ALL wetness, if you know what I mean. (I mean vaginas).
Tremendous work, Science. Sure we featured a similar substance a while ago that was keeping chocolate syrup off of white canvas sneakers, but this stuff looks like the truth. Houses, clothing, electronics — if every cell phone isn’t dunked in this anti-water cloak before being packaged you’ll know it’s a scam by Apple to keep you buying new iPhones.
American politics is a joke. Not because it’s stuffed with special interest money and corrupted to the core with shady characters and practices. No. It’s a joke because we don’t pay attention to any of that stuff. We’re way too busy making memes, videos, gifs, tweets, news segments, newspaper articles, and blog posts about a guy who got caught drinking WATER on TELEVISION. It has actually been dubbed “water bottle-gate”, which is the most disgusting abuse of the suffix “-gate” since Bonergate when I stuffed my penis through our neighbors’ actual gate. What’s the deal, America? It’d be understandable if the guy had a legitimate gaffe but…he didn’t. Mouth was thirsty so he took a swig. Christ.
You don’t have to agree with his politics to agree that him catching heat for taking a sip of water is unfair. Seems to me the American public is a bit too thirsty for a story.
IBT – Li Bingbing (Chinese name 李冰冰) got noticed in America Monday when a 2012 photo emerged of her wearing the same sea foam green Gucci dress that Katy Perry wore to the 2013 Grammy Awards. Here’s a primer on the trend-setting Chinese actress. And the storyline evolved on Monday when a photograph of little-known Chinese actress Li Bingbing wearing the same frock with a slightly different bejeweled neckpiece to the 2012 Golden Horse Awards in Taiwan hit the Web, and people made their feelings known about who wore it better. An image bearing photos of both actresses wearing the dress made it to the front page of Reddit, where commenters dissected it at great length. Most of the love went to Perry thanks to her more ample cleavage, but many people thought that in the picture of her making the rounds, Li made the stunning dress look much more classy and sophisticated, and appreciated that she didn’t use it as a way to bare as much as possible.
Think Li Bingbing might have forgotten her breasts at home.
Made it look “much more classy and sophisticated”? Why — because she has small boobs? That’s feminazi reverse breast discrimination if I’ve ever seen it.
In actuality, claiming that Li Bingbing’s sexless look in this dress is “much more classy and sophisticated” is both sexist and racist. Just because Katy Perry is a busty American pop singer who occasionally blasts fireworks from her tits doesn’t make her any less classy than whoever this Bingbing tramp is. “Ohh, I graduated with honors from a prestigious university and work as an international Ambassador for Goodwill and wildlife protection in China.” Whatever, Bingbing. Grow a breast then come talk to me.
Welcome Deepika from Drexel. And with that, we end another successful Hump Day. Not much time left to get those flowers to her house on time, fellas. Better hit that internet tonight so y’all can get that bed tomorrow night.
DM – The chances of being involved in a fatal air crash in the U.S are now only one in 45 million, after 2012 saw the fewest commercial airline accidents in over half a century. Last year’s figures were the lowest since 1945, seeing only 23 accidents and 475 fatalities, according to the Aviation Safety Network. Researchers have said flying has become so reliable that a traveler could fly every day for 123,000 years before being involved in a fatal crash. There are 10 million commercial flights a year in America and there has not been a fatal crash for four years. Improvement in safety standards, more reliable planes and engines are the key factors in making flying among the safest mode of travel.
No American crash in the last 4 years with over 10 million flights? Well, fuck. On Friday I’m flying for the first time in 5 years and these statistics come out. Jinx city. But I don’t care what anybody says or what the facts are, I feel 100x safer behind the wheel than in an airplane. Why? I don’t know. How about the fear of dying in a fiery death with no leg room while clutching some fat stranger’s tits next to you for slight comfort because your fully aware of your existence ending. Yeah, the chances are slim. So are the odds of a couple of Anacondas slithering into my bed in the middle of the night and holding me down while Pennywise comes in and starts eating me alive. Chances of it happening are 0 but goddammit if I don’t still fear it. You get in a car crash, you’re probably going to survive. I’ll take my chances in the cruiser with John Madden making love with some Turduckin than up in the air. There’s only so much alcohol, prescription drugs and old free John Candy movies that can distract me from the fear of instant death from 40,000 ft, even though John Candy is the shit. Cool Runnings, Planes Trains and Automobiles and Uncle Buck FTW and then some.
Sucks to be a person who’s fate rests on these numbers. You got almost equal odds of either winning the Powerball or dying in one of the worst ways possible. Tough luck, bro.
SWEEDEN – After punching out of the rough on the fourth hole of the Royal Canberra Golf Club in Tuesday’s competition, Daniela Holmqvist felt a sharp stab in her ankle. When she looked down, she saw a large, furry, black creature with a red spot on its back just above her sock line. After quickly swatting it away, she doubled over in pain. “When I told the local caddies in my group what had happened, they got very upset and said it was a Black Widow, and immediately started looking for their phones to call the medics,” Holmqvist told Karin Klarstrom of Svensk Golf. As Holmqvist’s leg started to swell and the pain became intense, she made the quick decision to take matters into her own hands (she’d just been informed that a Black Widow bite can kill a child in as little as 30 minutes). She pulled a tee out of her pocket (“it was the only thing I had handy,” she told Svensk Golf) and used it to cut open the wound so she could squeeze out the venom and keep it from spreading inside her body. “A clear fluid came out,” she said. “It wasn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible.” It appears the do-it-yourself surgery was effective. An official was called and after weighing her options, Holmqvist decided to play on, despite severe pain and some anxiety about her well-being. She finished the round without incident but shot 74, which left her out of the tournament.
Woof city, but dammit you have to respect this lesbian’s toughness. Anybody who takes a dull golf tee to their own flesh to squeeze out venom from a poisonous bite either has either balls of steel or a vagina whose period’s flow lava. The only downfall for Holmqvist now is she is totally undateable to the entire male population, if there is the off chance that is indeed which way she swings. No respectable guy is going to want to go out with someone who has been documented being 20x tougher than they will ever be. Nobody wants to be called a megapussy by their woman for going to the hospital to get stitches because she wants to close it herself with a hot iron and a bottle of whiskey. It’s a matter of respect.
Can’t imagine the Chewbacca-like scream she let out when she found out she missed the cut after all that. Mating call heard for miles.
MEXICO CITY – The “ugliest woman in the world” was buried in her native northern Mexico on Tuesday, more than 150 years after her death and a tragic life spent exhibited as a freak of nature at circuses around the world. Born in Mexico in 1834, Julia Pastrana suffered from hypertrichosis and gingival hyperplasia, diseases that gave her copious facial hair and a thick-set jaw. These features led to her being called a “bear woman” or “ape woman.”
Smokecity coming in hot! Nice to hear Julia got her proper burial 150 years after being hunted down and killed by Van Helsing. Tragic life as a freak of nature traveling circuses blah blah blah. Tough tits. You shouldn’t feel bad for Julia. Why? Because she’s been dead for a century and a half and is still being honored like royalty. If I get my own kids to visit my grave 2 months after I shit the bed I’ll consider that to be an enormous success. Broad will go down in history solely for looking like Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes. And you know what, good for her. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
Phillies pitchers and catchers officially reported to Clearwater this morning. Pretty much the entire roster showed up early and everyone is pissing positive down there about the team’s chances to rebound this season. And that’s fine–every team every season does this. But the thing about spring training is that nothing good can possibly happen. Bench and middle relief spots can be won or lost, but stats in spring training rarely ever matter. Placido Polanco hit .429 last spring but then couldn’t get the ball out of the infield after March. The good things that happen don’t even matter.
For instance, the best-case scenario for Delmon Young this spring is to not further his rep as a piece of shit. Like it’s not about his defense or ability to protect Ryan Howard—it’s his ability to not get shithoused and taunt some transplanted Floridian Jew about the Holocaust. That’s gonna be an uphill battle, I think.
Chase Utley? “He looked great taking groundballs yesterday.” Totally pumped the team’s three hitter was able to stand up for 15 minutes without needing a cane after the past two springs, but if you don’t see him sitting on a fucking footstool this spring that’s reason to celebrate. What’s the upside here?
And then there’s Roy Halladay, the guy who had a 6.00 ERA over his final 20 starts last season. He’s 35-years-old, his shoulder failed him last season, and then told reporters today it was actually his lower back. Whatever. Doesn’t matter now. But every writer down there is going to scrutinize every pitch the guy throws. Over under on the term “diminished velocity” from Phillies beat writers is 600 this season.
I buy the Phillies this year, I think they did enough to compete. I’m pretty excited—but not for spring training. Nothing good ever happens.
CBS – The Flyers are no longer celebrating a victory with Mac Miller’s “Knock, Knock,” but with “Bring Out The Bottles,” by Redfoo, Daily News beat writer for the Flyers Frank Seravalli reported on Twitter. Since when do players celebrate victories with songs that sound like they belong at Egypt, or any of the other 90′s era Delaware Avenue nightclub? Someone buy the Flyers a Guns N’ Roses album. Or Metallica Or 2Pac. Something, anything. They can do better than a “Party Rock Anthem” remake.
Because to my ears all I hear is fart noises and garbage being thrown into a can. Maybe I’m getting old but it’s just sharts and garbage.
“Bring out the Bottles” sounds like a song that was secretly created by club owners to play several times a night to pressure suckers into buying $400 watered-down bottles of Grey Goose and Ciroc. Wouldn’t shock me one bit to find out that club owners all gather together as some evil mass like the fashion people at the beginning of Zoolander. “Yes, yes, we must tell them to bring out more bottles! Tell them just how poppin it will be! Mwuhahaha!” All the while the afro guy from LMFAO sits there quietly nodding.
6-7-1 baby. We’re almost mediocre! Personally I think we’re playing B+ hockey, it’s just that the goals aren’t happening. What else is new, I’ve been watching this team for 20 years and it’s always the same story. The Flyers have to work twice as hard as other teams in the league just to get two points. We’re one of those landmark teams in sports, a kind of team that the opposition measures itself by. No one takes a night off against the Flyers, and that’s fine, it’s what keeps the Flyers in contention year in and year out. But it’s like damn, when’s it our turn to catch a break? You’d figure having one of the top 5 players in the league would make some of these games swing our way, but Giroux isn’t playing up to expectations so far, and our season is looking pretty shot out already.
So what’s going on with Giroux? In the first 14 games of last season, we saw Giroux burst onto the scene and marveled at his scoring proclivity and the level of competition he played with each and every shift. He managed 9 Goals, 10 Assists for 19 Points with a +4 rating in the first 14, leading the team to a respectable 8-4-2. He finished with 90+ points and was a monster in the playoffs. This year, is a different story. He has only managed 3 Goals and 5 Assists for 8 Points with a -4 rating in the first 14, and the team in struggling to maintain its identity and consistency with a stinky 6-7-1 record. He’s too talented to not turn this around, but right now we gotta start asking, what’s wrong? Time for a quiz.
Pop quiz: What’s wrong with Giroux?
A) No Jagr
B) No Hartnell
D) He cut off his flow
E) Doing too much
F) You’re a gimp
G) Not doing enough, pop up.
I) NHL13 cover
J) The C
I’m leaning toward G) Not doing enough, pop up. I just don’t see that intensity he had last year. Maybe he’s conserving his energy for a late season push, or maybe he’s trying too hard to get everyone else involved, but whatever it is, he’s just not being aggressive enough. We need him to be a superstar for this team to do anything. I don’t think we have a legitimate 20 goal scorer on this team, so he’s basically the entire offense. So pop up, man. A nice 4 game win streak will fix everything. I want 10 points in the next 4 games Claude!
LET’S GO FLYERS!
By realanonymous posted February 13th, 2013 at 4:20 PM
Oh hey, former Barstool Philly Smokeshow Tara. Glad to see they’re finally getting you in front of a camera.
This may be the best effort from BirdText yet, and that’s saying something since the Original Househusbands of Philadelphia is a classic. Poor dad with a Mets fan. I bet fanhood-related father abandonment has something to do with why KFC lacks testosterone. Hmm, you live and you learn.
espn – For the sixth time in as many games, LeBron James scored at least 30 points and shot better than 60 percent from the field as the Heat beat the Portland Trail Blazers for their 1,000th win in franchise history. James went 11 of 15 from the floor (73.3 percent) and scored 30 points. The Elias Sports Bureau notes that James is the first player in NBA history to score 30 points and shoot better than 60 percent from field in six straight games. Before this season, the only players who accomplished that in five straight games were Moses Malone and Adrian Dantley. In his last six games, James is 66 of 92 from the floor (71.7 percent). On shots taken in the paint in the last six games, James is 46 of 54 — including 9 of 10 on Tuesday. James also finished with six rebounds and nine assists, the 16th time this season he’s had at least 30 points, five rebounds and five assists in a game.
At this point — for most of us living outside of New England — it’s not a matter of “if” but more a matter of “when”. The last six games have given all of us a rare glimpse of undeniable sports greatness; a clear view of dominance that can’t be written off as luck or the benefit of a good matchup. LeBron James is killing the NBA. And while the majority of folks want to shoot him straight to the top with a one-on-one comparison to Jordan, it makes more sense to judge his career one step at a time. So the question is when, if they haven’t already, will the nation accept LeBron James as the greatest to ever play his position?
Larry Legend to most of us is the person who currently occupies that spot. His career 24 pts/10 boards/6 assists averages, 3 MVPs, and 3 titles remain as proof of his excellence over a long and successful career. But all things end, as will Larry Bird’s reign as the greatest SF in NBA history. King James being two titles and a Finals MVP behind Larry Bird will be the deciding factor for some, while others will claim his current physical talents already give him the edge over Mr. Indiana. So I bring it to you, Barstool. How long do you think it’ll be before you view LeBron James as the greatest Small Forward to ever play basketball?
Vote 1 for he’s already there, 2 for two years, 3 for 3 years, and so on. A vote for 10 is basically saying “He’ll Never Get There”.
(1,238 votes, average: 5.86 out of 10) Loading ...