Just so you know that even when he was in 10th grade The Rock was big enough to murder you. Crusty gardener stache, thin gold chains, super-tight white nuthuggers — apparently Rocky came out of his mother a full-grown Latino man and slowly morphed Benjamin Button-style into the raceless behemoth he is today. Nature is amazing, isn’t she?
Plus 10 points for the junior varsity ghetto blaster.
If you don’t leave this story absolutely ass-crazy in love with Addy you’re either a square or gay because this chick just won the world. Bitch SHOWED UP to the free weed giveaway / driving test stoned already because…because. Because she’s Addy and hits them corners hard in her Dodge Stratus when she’s high as fuck on complimentary TV news segment Train Wreck.
THIS is why I got into journalism in the first place. Why even after all of my news reporting professors told stories about being on food stamps and making $25,000 a year working for the Local Times News Daily Tribune Inquirer Whateverthefuck I still wanted to get out there and get after it. Because even if the guy doing this story barely lives above the poverty level, he got to spend his day giggling at 56 year-old Jeff getting blunted off his goatee and driving 2 MPH while riding the brake. Hard to put a price tag on that kind of entertainment.
Animal – Researchers at UCLA have developed a way to reduce blood alcohol levels in drunk mice, in a study that could forebear a pill that would help you quickly sober up after a night of boozing. Scientists gave the rodents a nanocapsule filled with an enzyme that naturally metabolizes alcohol, and those animals dosed with the enzyme had blood alcohol drop much more rapidly than the control group. Used on humans, the enzyme would “almost be like having millions of liver cell units inside your stomach or in your intestine, helping you to digest alcohol,” Yunfeng Lu a professor on the study.
There are drunks among us who would murder for the ability to pop a pill and get their BAC under the legal percentage. People who would literally take the life away from another human person for the power to flip between drunk and sober like a light switch. If you’re a heavy boozer this is like the alcoholic’s Limitless pill.
Don’t you go getting too excited just yet, Drunky. If there’s one thing cops don’t like to relinquish it’s their hard-earned-but-not-really ticket revenue. If people aren’t paying into the system for DUIs then the police will just think of something else to make illegal while driving. A year after this pill is released cigarette smoking, listening to music, and British-accent GPS navigation voices will all be considered $300 distractions.
Oooh — I get it. Nobody wants to go to the games because the team is below the mediocrity line and we as fans were lied to by an overly-enthusiastic ownership group who filled our brains with visions of Andrew Bynum dunking on Chris Bosh’s feathered ostrich face and instead left us rooting on Jeremy Pargo from 9th place in the East. I get it now.
Phillymag – It’s clear that one of Chip Kelly’s goals is to create a competitive environment where every player on the Eagles’ roster feels like he has a chance to win a spot and make an impact. So it should come as no surprise that newly-signed quarterback Dennis Dixon believes he’s very much in the mix to be the Birds’ starting quarterback. “From my understanding, the job is open,” Dixon said Monday afternoon during a conference call with reporters. “It’s going to be a very competitive nature around here. It’s pretty much open. May the best man win.”
Just kidding — Dennis Dixon sucks. But if you believe what he says and Kellz is serious about this open competition thing, then this summer could get very interesting. And by “very interesting” I mean Michael Vick is without a doubt your starting quarterback, Dennis Dixon is your backup, and Nick Foles will probably be doing local car dealership ads in Missouri by August.
Think about what an open competition means. “Michael, Nick, Dennis: now it’s time to get an idea of how well each of you can run the read-option.” Fast forward three weeks and Nick Foles is the newest starting quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs. An open competition where one of the top two guys lacks the skill set to compete isn’t a competition, it’s handing the keys over to Vick until Chip can find a long-term solution to put behind the wheel next year. That is, unless Dixon wins the job outright.
Juuust about the most horrifying thing imaginable. It’s probably a bad thing that I get angry that nothing bad happened, right? If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s cocky humans who swear every other living thing on the planet is our natural best buddy who only wants to play with us. Hippie nonsense. I will forever root for people who volunteer to hang out with great whites and grizzlys to be eaten.
Gay marriage I can accept. Humans making friends with the sharks? Not in this lifetime.
As any Stoolie can and most certainly will tell you, many phrases on our site get overused and abused to the point where they begin to lose their meaning. “Squid”, “Hardo”, “I Hope Neil Dies In A Fire”, all of these have been worn out and I can’t help but think that it was in some way our fault. As an apology, here is a video where we can proudly shout the overused phrase “CUM EVERYWHERE” and know that it’s at least partially true. Ice cream cum everywhere on these curious dummies.
Welcome Amy from Rowan. Gotta give Rowan credit when it comes to this whole Harlem Shake thing; must’ve seen at least a dozen videos from them alone. Probably should reserve all that energy for something more interesting that’ll last longer, but whatever. You’re having fun and shaking ass and that’s what matters.
Arbroath – A mother has been arrested in Albany, New York, after police say she exposed herself to children at an elementary school. Police say it happened at around 10:30am on Friday at the North Albany Academy. Officers say Aydrea Meaders, 24, got on stage during an assembly in the school’s cafeteria and began to dance. They say, while on the stage, she then partially disrobed in front of students. School staff quickly responded and the assembly was immediately dismissed. “We encouraged parents to participate at the events at school. We want more parents to be engaged at school and obviously this is something that goes without saying that crossed a line and it was shocking to everyone who was there today,” said Albany School District Spokesman Ron Lesko.
It really is time we start being more up front with these kids. Can’t fault Cross-Eyed Female Frank Gore here for giving the children a realistic glimpse of their future — a lot of those little girls are only a few years away from having little girls of their own. SOMEBODY around here has to do the duty of preparing these kids for the real world. Climbing under the parachute in gym is fun now, but it doesn’t pay the rent like climbing out of your blouse. No doubt those kids learned more from Andrea’s raw titty than they could from any boring lecture on George Washington Carver’s nuts.
Aussie Steve-O had his own little Rainier Wolfcastle moment with those gloves (they do nothing!). Pretty sure all that screaming was unnecessary, though. Screeching like a stuck pig won’t make those needles any less lodged inside of your grundle. Best to just calm down and black out from the pain like an experienced stunt whore would.
Let’s set the bar at…$10,000. Would you?
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So the Miami Heat didn’t want Lil Wayne courtside dressed in spandex jailbitch pants and leopard print astronaut snow boots slurping everybody in the league all weekend? I wonder why. It’s almost like 4’8″ tall 30 year-old skateboarders who kiss their adopted dads on the lips can’t get the respect they deserve anymore. Sick sad world.
As far as Bosh’s wife is concerned, though — yeah she probably had sex with Lil Wayne. But who’s impressed by that? Bragging about having sex with Chris Bosh’s wife is like bragging about having sex with John Travolta’s wife or Tom Cruise’s wife. No merit behind it. All we can hope now is that this sparks a lyrical war and get to hear MC Bostrich squawk hard on a diss track or two.