Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Video: Girly-Screaming Stoner Robbed At Gunpoint During His Own Live Stream Show

LiveleakKnown as marijuanaman. “These guys are now in jail , i guess the gun was real, so as a result they face a mandatory min of 5 yrears in jail”.

Even as an old school boot-strappin’, honest hard work-lovin, crime-despisin’ American, I took GREAT pleasure in watching this lame get robbed at gunpoint. This YouTube stoner is the complete and vivid personification of a vagina. One look at that pistol and homeboy transformed into a walking Georgia O’Keefe painting.

Oh, you don’t have any money or weed because “you gave it to your friend already today”? You know your excuse is bad when it’s so vague it requires its own excuse. “I gave it to my friend tonight.” Just hearing that makes me want to hit him in the back with a crowbar, too. There’s literally nothing but weed stuff in your room, buddy. If there’s one thing we’re all sure about, it’s that you definitely don’t not never not have huge amounts of marijuana on you at all times. Which, if you’re not good with quadruple negatives, means he most certainly has lots of weed hidden somewhere.

That Jackson 5 song is gonna haunt him forever.

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 2:35 PM

Apparently Sony’s New Playstation 4 Is Invisible Because I Didn’t See Anything Yesterday

So Sony had this big presentation to roll out and introduce their newest system (although I’m sure some Sony PR person would correct me and let me know that the PS4 is in fact much more than a “system” but a comprehensive way to interact with blah blah blah), and spent the better part of two hours balancing the delicate combination of showcasing the hardware’s capabilities and entertaining us with lengthy speeches from socially deficient nerds and/or Japanese dudes who barely speak English but will confidently pretend they’re fluent. All in all it was a pretty enjoyable way to piss a few hours of some of the best years of my life down the drain.

But one thing stuck with me — where on God’s green jalopy is the damned system? If you weren’t ready to roll out what it looks like then you probably should have held off on the 2-hour long Playstation 4 blowjob you forced millions of bored people waiting for the Flyers game to sit though. Nobody would have cared if this happened next month after you got pictures of the final system instead. Especially since the only thing you showed was the controller and that thing has looked the same since Parappa was rappin his little 2D ass off. Give us something, Sony.

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 9:35 AM

U.S. Marines Drink Cobra Blood In Thailand

‘MERICA, FUCK YEAH! Have 0 idea why people would drink snake blood out of a decapitated cobra in any culture. Have less than 0 idea why American soldiers are not only doing it but are kneeling down like they’re waiting on a moneyshot, but it doesn’t matter. Support the troops, dammit. All I know is that snake, headless or not, better stay at least 50 feet away from me at all times unless I am armed with a flamethrower and a gun with 1 bullet in the chamber in case things go awry. Can’t even come close to dealing with snakes.

By smitty posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:13 AM

Broads In China Are Mad Because The Government Are Referring To Ladies Over 27 As ‘Leftovers’

CHINA – Once single ladies hit 27 in China, they’re labeled “sheng nu” or “leftover women.” It’s not merely a cruel nickname. The term has been “aggressively disseminated” by state-run media, according to Beijing-based American sociology student Leta Hong-Fincher. The problem of leftover women has arisen because Chinese men reportedly tend to “marry down”, preferring women who are both younger and less educated than they are.

China just telling it like it is again. Why would Chinese guys want to settle for last nights General Tso that’s been in the fridge when there’s some fresh Kung Pow ready to go? Doesn’t matter if the younger chicks aren’t as good as the older generation, they’re more naive and have a tighter ass that will lessen the disappointment of when she shit out girls instead of men. It’s just great the the Chinese government is the one supporting this kind of behavior. What’s the leftover age for normal chicks in America? 35? 40? All I know is if a smokeshow isn’t locked down longterm by 27, that’s a huge red flag. Batshit crazy or STD city. Or she’s “career driven” which is just a cover up for saying she once stabbed her ex in the testicles with a fork once she found out her vagina has qualified to be the setting for the next season of Deadliest Catch.

By smitty posted February 21st, 2013 at 4:20 PM

Philly Blackout Tour FOAM Video Is Here, Trenton Tickets On Sale Now

Told you from the jump exactly how it would go down. Said tickets would sell out before you know it — that was true. Said people who buy late will be paying double for tickets on craigslist or eBay — that was true. And said that Philadelphia does the Blackout Tour as hard as anyone even if it’s zero degrees — obviously true.

Tickets for the April 5th FOAM show at the Sun National Bank Center in Trenton are ON SALE NOW. Get your tickets HERE.

Viva La Stool!

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Science Says There’s A Direct Link Between Shoe Size, Index Finger Length, & Penis Size…Maybe

Slate -

Is there a correlation between penis length and shoe size?

Maybe. Urologists at an English hospital in 2002 measured the length of 104 men’s penises and recorded their shoe sizes, finding no statistically significant correlation between the two. The study was an instant hit, and several websites declared the penis length–shoe size myth officially debunked. The Explainer, however, isn’t entirely convinced. A 1993 study observed a relationship between shoe size and penis length, albeit a weak one. A couple of other studies documented correlations between penis length and other body measurements. Turkish researchers in 2011 found that height, weight, and body mass index values all correlated with penis size. The same year that the English study claimed to bust the shoe-size myth, Greek urologists observed a relationship between penis length and the length of one’s index finger. If the size of other body parts correlates with penis length, it would be surprising if shoe size did not. (Tall people with big hands, after all, are likely to have big feet.)

The difficulty in these studies is finding an accurate, reliable method for measuring a penis. … These variations, however, are insignificant compared with the way a penis shrinks and lengthens in response to temperature changes, physical activity, touch, and mental state. According to the aforementioned Turkish study, simply stretching out a flaccid penis changes its length by more than 30 percent.

The ideal in the shoe-size-correlation studies would be to measure a fully erect penis, but that’s not feasible. As an alternative, most researchers stretch the non-erect penis before measuring its length. Even though this technique prevails among urologists, it turns out there is more than one way to stretch a penis. … The length of an object at full stretch depends on how hard you pull on it. Different urologists may have their own views on how much force can be comfortably applied to the flaccid penis of a volunteer study participant.

So the conclusion of this study is that the original study claiming no association between shoe size and penis length is false and that there is probably a link between shoe size and index finger length, only that none of it can be proven because there is no uniform method for measuring penises. This, Science, is where you lose the respect of the people.

If you don’t have a uniform standard for dick measurement — create one! Not that hard, much like the penises you’re currently incorrectly measuring. Science didn’t have a way to measure how hot things were before they created the degree. Get to work on some international rules of penis measurement. Here, I’ll help you start:

1. First of all the claim that measuring an erect penis is “not feasible” is stupid. What’s “not feasible” about it? Get a fluffer and some porn in there and let’s make some erect dicks!

2. All measurements have to be taken at the base of the penis. No pressing a ruler into their body and trying to add extra fake internal-penis centimeters.

3. Centimeters — yeah, maybe go with centimeters instead of inches. Personally I’m very much against ‘Murica using too much metric system, but bigger numbers are good for self-esteem.

That’s just a start; you clowns can take the wheel from here. Now get to it, Science. You should already be on finger enlargement surgeries by now.

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Video: ‘Nicklas Grossman Goal Harlem Shake’ Making The Rounds Today

Let’s all be real with ourselves for a minute, though: if Voracek wouldn’t have scored that last goal and the Flyers would have dropped this one in OT, none of us would be enjoying this clip. Winning changes how you feel about the entire game.

Picture of the day:

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 2:04 PM

Long Hair On Men ‘Robs The Brain Of Energy’: Here Are The Officially-Sanctioned Hairstyles For North Korean Men & Women

DMThat is because women are being encouraged to do their bit for the world’s most conformist state – by getting a specially approved haircut. The bizarre campaign exhorts women to choose from one of 18 officially sanctioned hairstyles chosen by communist officials eager to clamp down on western influences. … Back in 2005, North Korean state TV launched a five part series entitled ‘Let us trim our hair in accordance with Socialist lifestyle’ with the aim of promoting short back and sides for its male population. At the same time, a number of reports appeared in North Korean press and radio urging tidy hairstyles and appropriate clothing. The TV show sent out teams with hidden cameras to catch ‘rebel’ North Koreans who were breaking the North Korean strict hairstyle code. The makers of the program went so far as to name and shame those who had the audacity to get their hair cut differently. The program even claimed there were health reasons not to grow long hair including the bizarre claim that long hair would rob the brain of energy. Men should keep their hair shorter than five centimeters and have it cut every 15 days.

So…you’re telling me these are all different people with different hairstyles and the same person isn’t repeated AT ALL on this thing? You sure?

We should all feel ashamed and embarrassed. Almost every day cracking jokes about misinformation and backwards rules of the secluded communist state of North Korea, and here they discover the true reason as to why men are smarter than women. Turns out it has nothing to do with physical traits or opportunity or societal pressure and everything to do with hair length. Long hair robs the brain of its precious energy. And who mostly wears long hair? Exactly.

North Korean scientists uncovering the mysteries of the world at only a fraction of the price it costs us here in the U.S. Think about the impact a discovery like this will have on the way we teach our children! Invest billions in new educational technologies and early start programs to instill an intellectual curiosity in a child from a young age? Pssh fuck that. Just keep their hair below five centimeters and they’ll get all the brain energy they need.

PS – Are we sure this isn’t just a regular-ass haircut chart?

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 3:10 PM

The Science Of Pornography Addiction AKA Why You Have Your Own Web History Deletion Strategy

Suppose this says a lot about why I–err some FRIENDS of mine can only get it up to middle-aged huge-nippled Latinas wearing nurses outfits but playing the role of female cops. Gross, right? Sick people out there.

Always felt that the internet’s ability to bless every normal human with infinite porn access was having some extreme (and probably not yet understood) effect on society but never knew the science behind it. Porn is easily one of the most tolerated of all the taboos. Way more socially accepted to watch porn than to smoke cigarettes or drive without a seat belt, for example. Not knocking it at all; porn is surely near and dear to my heart. It’s simply a wonder how something so massively popular could have so little research conducted concerning how the brain of a teenager worked after spending years looking at dad’s Playboys vs. how the brain of a teenager works after spending years looking at bondage and bukkaki videos.

Now excuse me, my FRIENDS tell me they suddenly have the urge to go watch MILF Cholas 7: Hospital Detectives again.

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 3:45 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Kidnapped His Son But Was Captured In Upper Darby After Cops Tracked His Cell & Used Google Earth?

philly.comA Pittsburgh-area man who allegedly assaulted his ex and kidnapped their baby was tracked to Upper Darby early this morning via his cell phone and Google Earth, according to police. Around 1:30 a.m., Upper Darby police received a call from police in North Versailles, a town about 13 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, who were trying to locate Edward Johnson, a 36-year-old man who had allegedly assaulted his ex and kidnapped their 6-month-old baby boy, said Upper Darby Superintendent Michael Chitwood.North Versailles authorities were able to develop two coordinates on Johnson using recent calls he had made on his cell phone, and the coordinates indicated that Johnson was in the Upper Darby area, Chitwood said. An officer with Upper Darby police then entered those coordinates in to Google Earth and was able to narrow Johnson’s location down to the 500 block of South 69th Street.

Very first thought after reading the initial headline and seeing his picture — “they saw him from SPACE?” Then I realized that I’m much, much dumber than I originally thought. Dumb as I may be, here’s a little tip of advice, Barstool: if you’re in the middle of abducting a baby and are on the run from the cops, keep your cell on Airplane Mode. TV never lies. They triangulate that shit.

Yes, his hair is the only reason this story was blogworthy. SWEET SUGARY MOSES!

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 6:05 PM

Is This Torn Pectoral Muscle Real?

So Reddit had this guy claiming that this was the result of a torn peck, and my brain simply cannot force itself to accept that as truth. Everyone on the board was swapping torn pectoral war stories and patting each other on the ass like they just came back from combat. Maybe some of them did and of course we thank and salute them for their brave service to our country, but the rest of those assholes needed to stop using this as an opportunity to share The Tale Of The Steroid Bench Accident and open their eyes to the lie lying before them — this guy’s fake-ass picture. Gotta be a tattoo. Injured muscles don’t look that cool. I mean…right?

Vote 1 for Tattoo City and 10 for Real Injury The Same Thing Happened To My Boy And I Have A Very Long And Uninteresting Story About It
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (376 votes, average: 7.30 out of 10)
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By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Avery

Welcome Avery from Temple. Don’t want my La Salle people out there thinking me going with a Temple Smokeshow is a sign of where my allegiance lies for tonight’s basketball game — it isn’t. My preference for Temple basketball over most of the other area schools is well documented. Nothing new.

Your Stool needs you — send us Smokes! Email facebook links to phillytips@barstoolsports.com

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 5:30 PM

FLORIDA: Woman Shot Making Waffles After Glock Bullets Left In Oven By Roommate Explode

DMA woman cooking herself a snack has been wounded after the bullets her roommate left inside the oven exploded and sprayed her with shrapnel. Aalaya Walker, 18, preheated the oven of her apartment in Tampa, Florida, on Monday to make herself waffles – not knowing that Javarski ‘JJ’ Sandy, 25, had stashed his pistol magazine with four live rounds in the appliance. Ms Walker was hit in the chest and the leg by shrapnel from at least one round. Mr Sandy, who legally owns a .45-caliber Glock 21 semiautomatic pistol, told police he took the magazine out of his gun and put it in the oven. He put the gun itself in a drawer, according to the Tampa Bay Times. He never explained to officers why he put the clip with four live rounds in the oven. Police determined that Mr Sandy, who works at WalMart, had committed no crime. He was not charged. Ms Walker said she picked brass shell casing fragments out of her skin as she rode the bus to the hospital.

NO CRIME.

“Don’t worry folks — you’ve done nothing wrong. This is Florida! Just be careful next time you’re hiding the bullets to your drawer gun in the toaster oven because these things tend to happen. Exactly how my uncle died last year — only it was leftover Papa John’s instead of waffles. At my place we keep a system now: the bullets to the drawer gun go in the safe, the bullets to the fridge gun go in microwave, and the bullets to the microwave gun go in the drawer. But I know what you’re thinking, ‘hey Cap, isn’t it unsafe to keep bullets in the microwave?’ Well here’s the thing — nobody pre-heats a microwave! They’ll see those bullets right away. Been usin this system for about four months now and have zero accidents…that have required hospital visits. Really, the bullet barely grazed him.

Go Gators!”

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Voracek Told Matt Cooke To Suck A Dick While They Were In The Box

Don’t have to be able to read lips to know what [blowjob motion] means. Cooke was bitching at him for something, and Jakub gave him the universal symbol for “suck a dick and stop complaining I’m about to go grab a hat trick on the game-winning goal”.

By maurice posted February 21st, 2013 at 4:49 PM
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