Video: 17 Minutes Of Battlefield 4 Footage Proves That Video Games Today Are Way Too Goddamned Stressful

The fuck, guys? There are middle school kids who play this stuff. You expect a 6th grader to be able to effectively deal with the stress of sawing his buddy’s leg in half and letting a man drown to death all from a first-person perspective? Kid’s gonna have a nervous tick and war flashbacks within a week.

It looks great and all, but you nerds can keep all that stress. I’ll stick to Franchise Mode.

PS – Omar?

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 4:55 PM

87-Year-Old Fart Drives Wrong Way On Highway For 11 Miles And Isn’t Charged Because He Wasn’t Drunk, Just Old

CONN – An 87-year-old Connecticut man who drove the wrong way on the Massachusetts Turnpike for almost 11 miles before police stopped him was not cited but may lose his license. Thaddeus Satkowski, 87, of Staffordville, Conn., got on at Exit 10 of the Mass. Pike in Auburn late on Sunday night and drove east in the westbound lanes, in the shoulder next to the high-speed lane. Police say Satkowski was not cited, but state police have contacted the Connecticut Department of Motor Vehicles to have his license revoked.

Old people FTW again. Probably still took him 2 hours to get that far on the way to the local Farmer’s Market. Dude just pulls the Uncle Leo excuse gets away free from a potential 8 car pile up and massive vehicular homicide charges just because he says he’s old and confused. Bullshit. I guarantee this dude’s wife was in the passenger seat saying that he was going the wrong way the entire time but he wouldn’t turn around just out of spite. GUARANTEED. Old men are the most stubborn people on the face of the Earth, but even more so if it’s a husband who has seen the same vagina for over 50+ years, excluding wartime of course. Ever hear your Grandparents argue? Grandpa always wins no matter if he’s right or not. You can’t convince someone they’re wrong when their daily vocabulary still consists of the terms “dungarees” and “chinamen”. The only satisfaction Thaddeus Satkowski ever gave a woman was the privilege of the back of his hand. Either that’s what happened or if he’s anything like my Grandfather he was probably too busy yelling at all the people flashing their lights and honking their horns at him to even notice.

By smitty posted March 27th, 2013 at 11:10 AM

Robin Thicke & Pharrell Win The Music Video Contest [Very NSFW]

“Fuck Justin Timberlake.” -Robin Thicke

BREASTS!

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 9:59 AM

Mr. T Nails Center Ice Shot At Blackhawks Game, Pities The Hell Out Of That Puck

Consider maurice firmly on the Mr. T, Michael Phelps, and Allen Iverson bandwagon: fuck practice. Practice is for losers. It’s boring and pointless. Real winners go from the gut, shoot from the hip, and use their internal mind training to achieve their goals. No need to be out taking practice shots when you’ve got the Almighty power of an American flag bandana and delicious Just For Men beard coloring fumes keeping you buzzed. PITY THAT PUCK.

IT WAS A SET UP.

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 10:26 AM

Jon Hamm Tells Rolling Stone He’s Upset That People Are Still Talking About His Huge Cock, ‘They’re Called Privates For A Reason’

RollingStoneA Tumblr called “Jon Hamm’s Wang” has been posting photos for over two years, but Hamm doesn’t seen the humor. “They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason,” he says. “I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”

It really is sad, folks. Whatever happened to the days when a huge American TV star could walk out of his house with no underwear on wearing razor-thin detail-oriented cloth pants accentuating his junk in front of the paparazzi in peace without having to worry about pictures of his huge cock appearing everywhere? It’s abhorrent, low-brow behavior and Jon is right to be upset. Feel for him. It really must be a drain on his lavish and otherwise egregiously decadent lifestyle to look online and see Tumblr blogs and Twitter accounts set up mere weeks after he purposefully went commando on more than one occasion while wearing pants that he knew made his dong visible. They’re called PRIVATES for a reason, people.

Please, everybody stop what you’re doing and change your Facebook photo to the image below and help raise awareness for Jon Hamm’s struggle against people talking about his giant penis that he purposefully showcased multiple times. It’s the least you can do.

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

The Rollie Eggmaster: Eggs On A Stick Just Like You Never Asked For!

Okay, okay…seems like your average everyday absurd kitchen infomercial. Problem, solution, how it works, how easy it is, alternative uses, how easy it is to clean, how portable it is — HOL’ UP.

I’m sorry but you’ve gotta be a fully transformed psychopath to bring this contraption into work. WHOA, lady. What kind of insane work environment forces a woman with her own office into making fruit and egg-on-a-stick plates alone at her own desk? WHAT THE HELL COMPANY IS THIS?

Straight up nonsense. 2/10 – Would not bang.

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 3:35 PM

Reader Email: Does Getting A Ticket During Erin Express For Fake Masturbating In Traffic Get My Boy Laid?

Reader Email

Hey Mo,

So me and my friends were at Erins Express and one of my friends got this disorderly conduct citation while we were there. If you can’t read it here’s what the officer wrote under nature of the offense: “Police observed the above defendant walking W/B on Sansom St. The defendent then attempted to cross the intersection at 19th and Sansom while having the red light causing vehicles to come to a sudden stop. The defendant then ran back into traffic yelling at the operators who still have the right of way and began to do a stroking motion with his left arm near the groin area as if he were masterbating, causing a large crowd to form.” The cop cuffed him and held him in the back of his cruiser for a while before letting him go.

My question is, does getting cited and cuffed for pretending to jerk off on traffic get my friend laid?

Let me start off by stating the obvious — yes. Yes making the fake jerk-off motion while holding up traffic and getting a ticket for it gets your boy laid. But it’s not just because he fake jerked off on traffic and got caught. No. It’s because the cop actually had to use the phrase “causing a large crowd to form” in order to correctly describe the situation. So what happened here wasn’t just your boy being an asshole in the street — it was a legit performance piece!

And not just a crowd, a LARGE crowd. Like in my head I just picture 30 people standing in the street pumping their fists in cheer as your boy fake jerks it in these large, absurd stroking motions as the cars lay on their horns. It’s a beautiful and hilarious image in my head. Surely the reality wasn’t nearly as funny and your friend is probably the type of asshole I hate in real life, but in this case…yes. Absolutely laid.

What do you think?
Vote 1 for Real Masturbating Later That Night and 10 for Later A Crowd Formed Around His Cock.
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By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 4:04 PM

Video: Behind The Scenes Of La Salle In The Sweet 16

Don’t worry, La Salle. After Dunk City gets nuked by a giant Florida reality bomb on Friday and you’re still standing with only seven other teams in the country, there won’t be anyone left to steal your shine. This tourney is yours.

…And by “yours” I mean you can possibly win one more game before it’s realistically time for a better team of slaves student athletes to take their spot in the Final Four. But hey — who knows?

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Baby Who Was Left In A SEPTA Station After Her Mother & Grandmother Skipped The Fare & Forgot Her?

philly.comA MOTHER and daughter who tried to game the system on the Market-Frankford El Monday morning ended up leaving behind their most prized possession – a baby. The two adults had a single one-day convenience pass, Redfern said. The pass allows one person to take eight rides on SEPTA on a given day, but the women thought they’d found a way to avoid paying full fare. “The grandma thought the mother was going to bring the baby through the gate for strollers and wheelchairs and the mom thought grandma was taking the baby back with her,” Redfern said. Instead, mom got on the train and grandma headed for the 56th Street Station, leaving the baby in a stroller near the cashier’s booth, Redfern said. The cashier took the baby, who is younger than 1, inside the booth to keep her warm, Redfern said. When the mother and grandmother were together at the next station, they realized neither had the baby. Redfern said the women notified SEPTA police and came back to the 60th Street Station, where they were reunited with the child. Although they violated convenience-pass rules, Redfern said the duo would not face charges. “We normally would have cited the people who were involved in the fare evasion, but given the traumatic experience they had gone through and because they were so visibly upset, we did not cite them in this case,” she said.

See, this is exactly why I never understood these mothers drowning their kids in the tub or leaving them the trunk of a car wrapped in duck tape. It’s a BABY. You can literally leave this thing anywhere and it can’t find its way back. A legless dog would have an easier time finding its way back home than a human baby ever could. Hell, the dog’s probably got a nametag and everything. Suffocating your child because of postpartum depression? That’s just overkill.

Simply leave it in the subway and never turn back. When someone asks you what happened to your kid…I dunno…just punch ‘em in the face or something. Pretty solid chance they don’t ask again after that. And now you’re both baby and murder trial free getting high on the stoop like you used to before that condomless asshole stole your innocence. Easy as that.

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 2:17 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Kailen

Welcome Kailen from ECU by way of Philly. Hang in there, kids. I know the Eagles, Sixers, and Flyers seasons have been rough. Really rough. But spring is here and summer’s around the corner to bring sunshine and warm weather and blonde Smokes like Kailen. And baseball! A whole ‘nother chance to be disappointed!

Anonymously nominate a Smokeshow –> phillytips@barstoolsports.com

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Video: Scumbag Mexican Philly Fans Throw Beers At Innocently Obnoxious USA Soccer Cheering Section


When did 100,000 or so Philly Fans get the time to move to Azteca, learn the language, and brown their complexion to perfectly fit in with the hometown Mexican soccer fans? Hey — I have no clue. I just know scumbag Philly Fan behavior when I see it. Police riot squads only come out in one of two situations: 1) European club matches 2) when Philly Fans start warming up their snowball/battery throwing arms. And since neither of these teams is European, it’s very likely that some of the Philly Fans smuggled snowballs in the stadium with them from across the border. And how many of these Cheez Whiz buffoons do you think are wearing offensive Brownface makeup and walking on their knees to disguise themselves as true Mexicanos? All around disgusting display of racism and anti-patriotism. These USA fans simply wanted to obnoxiously celebrate a non-win in the heart of Mexican gang territory.

Shame on you, Philadelphia.

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Do These Look Like The Crazy Eyes Of A J.C. Penney Manager Who Pawned Jewelry She Stole From Her Store To Get Her Repossessed Car?

SSBoynton Beach police say a Lantana woman tried to pawn off jewelry from where she worked to help her regain her repossessed car. J.C. Penney jewelry section manager, Chelsey Adele Edwards, 25, was arrested Friday and faces charges of stolen property, larceny and fraud. It began when a loss prevention officer at J.C. Penney in the Boynton Beach Mall told police Edwards came to him with a men’s necklace, ring, and bracelet in a jewelry bag that Edwards said she found in the store safe, according to an arrest report. After the loss prevention officer told Edwards to put the items back in the safe so he could investigate it later, police say he received a tip that she had pawned off the jewelry instead of putting the jewelry back. When the officer checked the safe, only the necklace was inside. A search by police found Edwards had pawned the other items, valued at about $1,034, at a West Palm Beach business for $500, according to the report.

One hundred percent chance she’s hiding jewelry in her asshole.

By maurice posted March 27th, 2013 at 11:55 AM

So How About This Brazillian Model Who Breastfeeds Animals?

BRAZIL – We’ve heard of milking it for the camera, but this is udderly ridiculous. Sabrina Boing Boing, a brazilian model, is woman of many talents including DJ’ing, impersonating Pamela Anderson and her latest endeavor, breastfeeding calves. It appears to be quite the mooooving experience too. Boing Boing instagrammed photos of herself lending her ample breasts to an unsuspecting calf on the side of the road in her native country. Happy as that farm animal might be, people in Brazil are having a cow over the photos, which were accompanied with the caption, “some things don’t need to make sense, just worth it!”

What utter nonesense. Love to bounce on those Boing Boings like Sugar Ray Leonard. Hey, as long as no horsedick has penetrated through that ass, which is probably the only thing living in length that could do so, she can breastfeed my own mother if she wants. But unfortunately if she’s nurturing Bambi because it’s “Just worth it!” you can guarantee she’s slayed an actual beast on a farm or two in her lifetime. And that brings me back to the very first article I wrote on the Stool, Would you rather go out with a woman who has slayed over 1,000 people, or a broad who has fucked just one animal? I’d pass on this one, but I can see for some of you it would depend on the animal. Because ball and that booty don’t lie.

By smitty posted March 27th, 2013 at 2:55 PM
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