Glad To Know Some Of My Lifetime Of Debt Was Spent On A Losing Coach Who Throws Basketballs At Players’ Heads & Calls Them Faggots

R-U Rah Rah.

Rutgers. Not even surprised. From nappy headed hoes to paralyzed defensive tackles to the dead guys buried under the cement of that stadium paid for by mob money — none of it is a surprise anymore.

All that basketball-on-head violence and you can’t make a single goddamned NCAA tourney, though?

UPDATE: thanks for your input, LeBron.


By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 4:50 PM

I Don’t Blame Players Who Suck For Sucking

The Phillies go down 7-5 last night and pretty much every fear that fans had entering the opener was realized. The thing about baseball is that when things don’t go well people want to assign blame to whoever fucked up.

I could go on some rant about Cole Hamels who was somewhere between ineffective and total ass while allowing three homers in five innings. Or I could come at Ryan Howard, who looked helpless as he tried to put the ball in playing in the fifth inning. But it’s one game out of 162 and it’d be insane to destroy a player for one bad night.

But I have some questions for Amaro regarding issues that are surely going to reoccur.

RAJ is like the has-been jerkoff who flips open his yearbook five years after graduation and sees the old picture of the girl he used to fuck in high school. Turns on the smooth sounds of Menudo (gotta assume that’s the only band he listens to), drinks a few beers and gets all sentimental. Next thing you know he’s three fingers deep in the stinky but quickly realizes why she dumped her in 2008. Problem is it’s too late and he already gave her $1.1 million to hang around for 8 months. That analogy makes no fucking sense? True. But there’s no way you can’t tell me that’s how the Chad Durbin thing went down.

But what I’d really like to know is why John Mayberry is here for a fifth season. How this guy is still around defies logic. Lotta people coming hard at Mayberry, who may be the worst baseball player on any team who actually started a game today, but that’s actually totally unfair– I don’t blame players who suck for sucking. I blame the moron that allows him to suck. What’s the upside? The .301 OBP over 441 painful at-bats in 2012?

If this thing doesn’t work out this year, people are going to call for Charlie Manuel’s head. And maybe they should. But they might want to take a look at his boss who filled out the roster with guys who should never exist on the roster of a contending team in the first place.

P.S.–Chase Utley is still the bee’s dick.

By Rizzo posted April 2nd, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Giavonna

Welcome Giavonna, a local who now lives in Florida. Looks like she made it out for Wing Bowl not long ago. Those pictures and the Smokin’ Joe / BDawk jersey one practically scream Philadelphia.

Need nominations before we head towards a Smokeshow-less future. Email phillytips@barstoolsports.com

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

After Scott Hartnell’s Jab At Ex-Wife, Who’s The Next Philly Athlete To Go At A Former Chick On Twitter?

 

Not much can beat the feeling of finally finishing divorce proceedings with an ex-wife you hate. LeSean McCoy knows what Hartsy’s talking about. No way this is over. Not just between Hartnell and Lisa Renneke, but athletes all over the world are using Twitter to air these chicks out and nothing appears to be slowing them down. Here are the top five most likely Philly athlete / ex-partner Twitter beefs:

Cole Hamels
Status – Happily Married with two sons and an adopted daughter
Probable Tweet: “@PitchBitch35 and you can keep the black one.”

Danny Watkins
Status – Uncertain
Probable Tweet: “@MapleLeafDannyGranny if you tell anyone my real age I’ll kill you, eh? Now go tape Matlock and heat up my back pad.”

Carlos Ruiz
Status – Wife in Panama with two kids, one of which was not with her.
Probable Tweet: “i no send mas money to @ChoochsCooch. she need to get a job. focus with Aderall maybe. #SingleCoochEnAmerica”

Kwame Brown
Status – Quick Googling turned up no wife and no kids
Probable Tweet: “@VIPsectionHo what do you mean you didn’t feel sparks? It was my disproportionately small hands and penis, wasn’t it?”

Will Sheridan
Status – Single gay male
Probable Tweet: “TIRED of @ChrisBosh fronting like we don’t make love under his Ostrich Centaur on the regular.”

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 9:47 AM

This New Pope Is Really Making That Old Pope Look Like A Jackass, Eh?

Look at this old Sith Lord Pope with his shimmering gold bullshit and evil empire face. There honestly can’t be a person on the planet who isn’t happy with this year’s Pope exchange. There’s a reason why God made the switch. New Pope is killing every facet of this Pope thing: washing & kissing Muslim prisoner feet, talking about environmental awareness, kissing sick Palsy kids…the guy’s doing it all. He’s on fire. Showing up to Easter mass with the simple white instead of the showy golden Not-What-Jesus-Would-Do glitz was a post-up fadeaway three-pointer right in Old Pope’s rapidly dying face.

So maybe he’s not the Black Pope or the American Pope or even as dark-skinned as maybe we’d wish a Latin American Pope to be. Who cares? Francis is so hilariously running up the score on the old one it doesn’t even matter. No way Old Pope doesn’t hate New Pope’s guts for making him look this bad.

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 1:34 PM

Jay-Z Expands Empire Into ‘Roc Nation Sports’, Signs Yankees 2B Robinson Cano

nypJay-Z has launched Roc Nation Sports, a full-service sports management company and has signed Yankees star Robinson Cano as its first client. Roc Nation Sports will be led by the rapper with Juan Perez serving as president. They have partnered with CAA Sports, a division of Creative Artists Agency to co-represent the All-Star second baseman. “Because of my love of sports, it was a natural progression to form a company where we can help top athletes in various sports the same way we have been helping artists in the music industry for years,” Jay-Z said.

I honestly have no idea if Jay-Z is a good businessman or not. Yes he made a ton off of his Roc Nation deal, but I also remember rumblings of him being terrible as President of Def Jam and not knowing what he was doing. Either way Jigga’s business acumen isn’t what this deal is about. This is about Shawn Carter not being able to wave goodbye to the spotlight.

Wasn’t this dude supposed to retire from rap after the Black Album? That shit was literally 10 years ago. All that talk about kissing the fame goodbye in favor of more money and a behind-the-scenes role was complete horseshit. Jay-Z LOVES being famous. Probably way more than he even likes to admit. If he wanted to get into the sports biz he could have done so without building another wing on his existing company and plastering his name everywhere.  Straight narcissism.

Cano’s about to get Ricky Williams’d.

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 11:41 AM

Biebs’ Victoria’s Secret Model Game Is Air-Tight: ‘You’re Really Cute. You Got Nice Tits.’

nydn[Jourdan Dunn], 22, revealed on “The Jonathan Ross Show,” that the Canadian pop star had flirted with her at a rehearsal for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show last November. Dunn apparently received a compliment from the singer after accidentally flashing her chest at him. “He said to me, ‘You’re really cute. You got nice tits. You flashed me and my dancers and made my day,’” Dunn said. “I kind of felt a bit awkward because he’s this little boy. I laughed after it because he was 18 at the time and I was like, ‘why not, flirt with the models, do your thing.’”

And THAT’S how great it is to be Justin Bieber. Not only do you have continents of girls on your dick and opportunities to perform on stage with Victoria’s Secret models, but you can say whatever you want to them with zero consequence. Imagine if the lighting guy or one of the marketing managers there told Jourdan shes “got nice tits”. Dude would be locked up and jobless within 20 minutes. But a barely-legal international playboy like Biebs? His game is so damn tight even his sexism is charming. Compliments one chick’s tits and walks out with another jawn on his arm.

All hail King Bieber.

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 12:56 PM

This Andrew Wiggins High School 360 Between-The-Legs Was Better Than The Entire NBA Dunk Contest

YouTube comment of the day:

And just as a word of warning to my American brethren: we gotta keep our eye on those syrup suckers up north. Bieber then Drake then THIS KID? If at any point in the near future the best basketball player in the world and the most popular rapper in the world are both Canadian we need to declare war on Toronto.

PS – Wiggins didn’t win the contest.
PPS – LeBron is never going to enter the dunk contest. They say “never say never” — I’M SAYING NEVER.

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 2:55 PM

The Oakland Raiders Really Are The Dumbest Organization In Sports

usatodayThe Oakland Raiders finalized an agreement Tuesday to send Carson Palmer to the Arizona Cardinals. Arizona is sending the second of its two sixth-round selections this year (176 overall) to Oakland in exchange for its seventh-round pick (219 overall). In addition, Arizona has agreed to terms with Palmer on a new contract. Kent Somers of the Arizona Republic is reporting it’s a two-year deal worth $16 million with $10 million guaranteed. The Raiders acquired quarterback Matt Flynn from the Seattle Seahawks on Monday for undisclosed draft picks. USA TODAY Sports reported Friday that Palmer turned down a paycut from $13 million to $10 million to remain with the Raiders, an indication of how badly he wanted out of Oakland. He was willing to consider a backup role for a contending team.

Let’s recap.

To get Palmer the Raiders traded:

2011 first round pick
2012 second round pick

To get Terrelle Pryor the Raiders traded:

2012 third round pick

In return for Palmer the Raiders received:

2014 CONDITIONAL 7th round pick IF Palmer starts 13 games

Unbelievable. Carson Palmer was never worth a first and second round pick. Ever ever in his career ever, but especially not after he was 31 years-old and seriously contemplating retirement. They’re so poorly run it hurts to watch from the opposite side of the country.

Who’s worse?

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 2:16 PM

Stop The Presses: The Iron Sheik Is 70 Years Old?

You’re kidding me right? No way in hell would I have guessd The Iron Sheik is 70 years old. Even with this knowledge if the over/under for what age he lives to is set at 55, I’m still hammering the under. Dude is filled up with more alcohol and anger than Mel Gibson at a Bat Mitzvah combined with double the horse testosterone of Smarty Jones. We featured Sheik’s Twitter account a last week and for good reason because it’s one of the best Twitter accounts around. Now it’s his special day, so we must pay homage the only way possible by featuring some of his birthday and April Fools Day Tweets:

WARNING: PREPARE TO SPIT THE COFFEE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WHETHER YOU’RE DRINKING ANY OR NOT

BONUS HAPPY EASTER TWEET:

[Editor's note: Smitty left out the best Easter tweet:]


By smitty posted April 2nd, 2013 at 4:15 PM

Jason Peters Is ’100 Percent’ For Start Of The Chip Kelly Era

philly.comIt hasn’t taken the Eagles long to find that out. Two days into the team’s voluntary offseason workouts, chests already are heaving and tongues are a wagging. “The workout today was up-tempo,” offensive tackle Jason Peters said. “Different stuff, different drills that we don’t normally do. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be real up-tempo.” Kelly’s strength and conditioning staff have linemen like Peters doing things ordinarily reserved for speed positions. “We’re doing 40 work (40-yard dashes), hurdles, ladders, stuff like that,” said Peters. “Working the quick feet, the quick movement. The up-tempo pace.” The good news is Peters has been able to do all of it. The All-Pro left tackle, … made a full recovery and will not be limited in any way during the team’s spring work. “I’m 100 percent,” he said. Peters said he’s pretty much been close to 100 percent since December. Said he could’ve come back late last season, but given the death-spiral the team was in at the time, he decided against it, and the coaching staff concurred. “I was going to come back last year, but it was a bad season. I could have (played), but I didn’t want to risk it with a losing season. And the coaches kind of held me back a little bit.” He said he expects to return to the elite level he was at in 2011 when he was the best left tackle in the NFL.

While Chip can’t have the guys lining up in formations and performing any of the concepts hes been allowed to teach since April 1, he IS conditioning them like crazy and getting their bodies ready to run more plays per game than any team in NFL history. Didn’t know it until recently but I’m a full-on Chip Kelly convert. Dressed in my Eagles onesie ready to drink the poison Kool-Aid so the rest of the believers and I can live with Chip on his comet.  After reading through some of his football philosophy reports novels on Fishduck it became very clear that this man is everything the people say he is and more. Just LOOK AT THIS SHIT. It’s fantastic:

My hangups about the players not buying into Chip’s specific beliefs on diet and schedule and habits are gone. Chip does what he does because there’s a reason. If there’s no reason to do something he won’t do it. He explains the “why” behind everything to players so that everyone knows the reasons behind their decisions. And those reasons are all based on trying to win the Super Bowl.

Getting Peters back and healthy is an even more massive upgrade to the team than most fans realize and surely played a part in why Chip took the job. He now has the best LT in football whose body is athletic enough to handle the tempo.

Time to run.

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 3:41 PM

Video: Evidence The NBA Is Rigged And Refs Are Working To Get Lakers Into The Playoffs

The video sorta speaks for itself, although it should also be taken into consideration that Kobe Bryant just passed Wilt to become #4 on the NBA all-time scoring list and has been doing this stuff all year:

But still — you can’t argue with tape. This video shows obvious bad calls and lapses in refereeing that would probably lead to disciplinary action from any other league. Not the NBA, though. Not in a league that once sent one of its veteran refs to a Florida federal prison camp for 11 months for rigging games.

Also, while we all hate to see a professional sports league turn into the WWE, please stop faking like you don’t want to see the Lakers in the playoffs. Unless you live in Oklahoma City you have no reason to root against Kobe/Durant in the first round.  STERN IS ONLY GIVING YOU PEOPLE WHAT YOU CRAVE.

By maurice posted April 2nd, 2013 at 10:47 AM
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