Welcome Tiffany from Villanova. Shoutout to Tiffany for being a fellow Journalism major. Hope shes got some sweet Main Line connections to go along with that Nova diploma. Journalism degree and funemployment go hand in hand.
Before YOU start facing the real world (or to take a much-needed break from it), how about joining us for our biggest Barstool Foam show in Stool history? Might be a good time if you like fun and things that are fun. The events sell themselves.
NFL – A mother-of- two is on her way toward becoming the first permanent female official in the NFL, and it could happen as early as the 2014 season. Sarah Thomas, from Mississippi, spent three days at the Colts minicamp as part of the NFL’s officiating development program, and league officials say she would be the first woman to reach NFL fields through the program. She’s expected to join the Colts in training camp next month and could call some preseason games this year.
Can’t wait to see what happens when she gets caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and some juiced up linebacker accidentally shoves 250lbs of pissed off nigga up her ass while she’s daydreaming thinking about what she’s gonna cook for dinner. And I’d almost rather have that fired up Jim Harbaugh get in my face about anything. Downright frightening. No way she gets respect from any of the coaches. I’ll put money down that old school Tom Coughlin has never once listened to what a woman has had to say. Ever.
America not being good at soccer is probably the biggest reminder that we’re not actually number one at everything. And you know what? I don’t like not being number one at everything.
Yes, just as I’ve mentioned how America not being better at soccer should piss you off, this type of display should make you feel proud. For whatever reason (hipsters) soccer is really popular in Washington, and they can actually coordinate the synchronized clap or “U-S-A AIN’T NOTHIN TO FUCK WIT” chants. And while there aren’t many places in the country where this brand of soccer enthusiasm can be found (Sons of Ben hold their own), these people are out there. But one day in our lifetimes we all deserve to see this type of crowd interaction at a competitive USA match, maybe a World Cup final or some other dramatic soccer crap.
Can you even imagine how pissed the world would be if America won the World Cup? Our internet gloating alone would spark World War III.
Which is why I’ll forever back America’s efforts to dominate at soccer. You can hop on that “fuck soccer” bandwagon all you want, but I’m all about taking whatever other countries love most and crushing it in the palms of our hands like a true world power should. “‘Murrica motherfucker.”
“I would dip my testicles into a fishtank filled with Piranhas just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.” – Summary of 90% of the comments that will be comprised by this ass shot from the heavens. And rightfully so. Hands down 1st team all-world MILF. Get her and Jessica Alba on the same squad and there will be no other survivors.
Arbroath – A farmer has survived after being taken to hospital with a circular power saw lodged 10cm into his stomach. Gregory Steinmedc was sawing wood at his home in Campina Mission, Brazil, when the tool slipped and sliced through his abdomen. His wife, Frida, carried out first aid to stop the bleeding before taking the 56-year-old to the nearest hospital 30 miles away. The blade apparently missed all Mr Steinmedc’s vital organs and doctors took two-and-a-half hours to remove the tool. Surgery was complicated by the fact that he had a previously transplanted kidney. Doctors said Mrs Steinmedc had saved her husband’s life by not removing the saw.
There you have it. If you’re ever slicing wood with a power saw and it slips and buries its jagged fangs several inches deep into your abdomen, make sure your wife DOESN’T try to take it out. Leave the saw blade in there so you can take an agonizing 30 mile car ride to the hospital where doctors will perform several hours of painful and literally gut-wrenching surgery.
Sun Sentinel – A DNA test led to the arrest Wednesday of a Fort Lauderdale massage therapist accused of performing a sex act on a sleeping client, the Broward Sheriff’s Office said. Scott Lloyd Price, 55, was a massage therapist at the Center for Wellness, 4001 N. Ocean Drive in Lauderdale-by-the-Sea, according to the arrest report. The customer arrived for a massage Nov. 11 and told detectives that after dozing off, he awoke to find Price performing oral sex on him. The customer said he immediately flipped onto his stomach as Price left the room, the report stated. The customer was taken to a sexual assault treatment center, where a DNA sample was taken. The sample was identified as the DNA of another man. Investigators subsequently obtained a DNA sample from Price, which matched the sample taken from the client, detectives said. The arrest report did not make it clear whether Price is still employed at the center.
Yep.
I don’t think it’d be possible to conjure up an image quite as “I’m a massage therapist who sucks my customers’ dicks while they sleep” as this one if you tried. Shiftiest male rape eyes in game.
The nut of this story is obviously the bang-up post-job job by the customer to have to smarts to get his cock swabbed for DNA immediately after the incident. That’s what he did, right? I’m pretty sure I’d be too busy wondering if I contracted shifty-eyed Persian mouth AIDS to worry about DNA screening the saliva drying on my dick. Probably would have run home and scrubbed off all the evidence like some kind of idiot. Or ended up in Federal Pound Me In The Ass for beating this smirky-mouthed cocksucker to death in a massage parlor. One or the other.
One thing I’ve noticed lately is that most of the stuff on television isn’t very good. Either the show is straight up awful or it’s shit like “Duck Dynasty” that people say is great but in all reality is pretty fucking stupid. So I was out at the bar the other night and we were going through our usual cycle of talking points of sports, girls, how my boss can grab a spoon and eat my ass, etc. The conversation eventually devolved into the “how much would it take for you…” thing. Like for instance, you might talk about how much it would take for the two fat girls over at the corner table to shit on your face after a plate of wings or what kind of coin it would require to rub your nose against your favorite aunt’s clit until she gets off. Standard stuff. Couple guys give realistic answers, but I love when a few throw out these absurd numbers like $2 million to try to sound dignified and act all offended I even brought it up.
Anyway, my one friend says, “Dude, you always start this conversation, but none of this is ever going to happen so will you just shut the fuck up?”
And, he’s right. I do always bring it up. But then it hit me. Why can’t it happen? It can and really I think it’s time we turn this type of thing into a reality show. I need this.
Like you might be saying at this point how there’s no market for something this awesome, but that’s totally untrue. Shows like “Taxi Cab Confessions” got great ratings and that was a bunch of chicks with dicks just sitting there talking about how they are chicks and also have dicks at the same time. Is that really that interesting? My idea trumps that without a doubt.
First of all, people love high stakes stuff. Think of the drama. Big money on the line and a guy assembles all of his aunts into a room with that theme from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” playing, just studying his aunts and all. Like which one will he choose? Is he going to hurt Aunt Linda’s feelings if he choose Aunt Susan? Whose clit is the most workable? I don’t know, but I can’t wait to find out. After it’s over, he can go into one of those Real World confessionals and walk us through the process. Must see television.
Also, people love prizes. So with big time money on the line, I’m pretty sure that you can get families across America on the edge of their seats for something like this. They’ll root for a guy the way they do in all reality television shows. Think “American Idol” but bigger. It’d be pretty much like “Family Fued” except there wouldn’t be any trivia or that guy who killed himself as host. There would sometimes be incest too. Also that.
I don’t know. It’s a work in progress. Gotta iron out the kinks and all, but I’m pretty sure I’m onto something here.
TMZ – Former NBA star Allen Iverson has abducted his own children … so says his ex-wife, and now she’s begging the court to force Allen to give them back. Tawanna Iverson just filed legal docs, claiming Allen recently asked for permission to take their five kids on a short vacation to Charlotte, NC from May 22nd-May 26th (and Tawanna agreed) but when May 26th rolled around, the children hadn’t been returned. The kids range in age from 3 to 16 years old. In the docs, Tawanna says she tried to set up an exchange on June 4th at a neutral location — a nearby Target store — but A.I. never showed up. Tawanna — who has sole legal and primary physical custody of their children — now believes Allen never took their kids to Charlotte at all … and is currently keeping them at a Sheraton hotel in Georgia. Tawanna claims she’s especially concerned because Allen’s an alcoholic who drinks around their kids. She had previously begged the court to send him to the pokey for allegedly not paying more than $40,000 in child support.
So what you’re telling me is that these kids spending FATHER’S DAY with their all-time great NBA dad is now a crime? Love is a crime now? It’s a crime to love your kids so much that you decide to get drunk and keep them for a few extra days against their mother’s will? Laws shouldn’t come between an alcoholic millionaire and his numerous offspring.
Tawanna obviously needs to relax herself and let Allen be Allen. Will he use one of them as collateral in a back-alley craps game against a local Yakuza ring? Maybe. But such is the price of love. It was Father’s Day.
