This is te last Halloween prank video that will be posted on this site and it straight sucks until little, legless Deion Sanders no-steps his way into the parking lot. That thing’s running a legit 4.3 40 on those stumps. Freaking Oscar Pistorus without the blades or murder under his belt. And I know what you’re thinking, why not stand up to that thing and punt it to the moon? No fucking way. If he’s got enough power to go from 0-60 in 5 seconds he definitely has enough vertical in him to bite your face off. No thanks.
This is our brand, spanking new feature on Friday afternoons during the Fall. If you’re stuck in front of the computer at this point you deserve the most mindless, enjoyable material to help pass the time. So here it is: 10 or so random GIFS from the Internets to put the mind at ease for a couple minutes. Simple as that. Could be hot, funny, painful, new, old – whatever works. Enjoy.
Source – A Texas woman broke into the home of a male friend of her husband’s and sexually assaulted the man while he was sleeping, police allege. Once inside the property, Hoelting–who was wearing a nightgown–went into the man’s bedroom, where he was sleeping. A felony criminal complaint charges that Hoelting fondled the man’s genitals and attempted to “perform fellatio upon him.” The man told a Williamson County Sheriff’s Office deputy that he “awoke to the feeling of an unknown party on top of him,” adding that he “felt the offender place his penis in her mouth.” Aided by a flashlight application on his cell phone, the victim recognized Hoelting, whose breasts were exposed, as “his friend’s wife.” He directed her to leave the residence, but when Hoelting refused to budge, he dialed 911.
Real catch-22 situation our guy here found himself in. You can either A) receive a nice little surprise chew in the middle of the night but then have to tell your boy that his wife was swallowing your kids the next morning. Or you can B) call the cops on the broad, ruin your chances of having a good night but at least you can still be cool with your buddy after he gets over the fact that his wife is an actual whore. Both scenarios have their ups, and both scenarios have their downs. I honestly don’t know what I do in this situation. I’d love to sit here and make fun of this dude for not taking advantage of this primetime opportunity, but then I keep looking at the picture of Megan Davis Hoelting up top. She has a foot where her face is supposed to be and that’s pretty much a deal breaker. I’m sure it was all fun and games when he had this random naked girl just show up in his bed but as soon as that flashlight went on, it’s a turtle’s head snapping back into his shell. My brain (read: penis) is so torn on this scenario and I think I may never have a definitive answer. It’ll just be one of life’s little mysteries.
On a related note, Megan Davis Hoelting, while for sure a whore, shouldn’t have to serve any jail time because of this. As our old pal Mo once blogged, receiving and unwanted blowjob does not mean you got raped.
So this is going semi-viral right now. Um, yeah…giving any sort of oral tips to a toddler isn’t cool. He REALLY shouldn’t have put it on YouTube, let alone recorded the video. I would get it if the wife was there and you had someone to joke around with or, most likely, piss off. But one on one he might as well be dishing it out in a Pedobear outfit. At least don’t put the cart before the horse and give better advice, like get the freaking toothbrush out of your mouth to begin with. The mouth is for food and food ONLY.
Pretty standard at this point. You have any questions about your season long leagues or Draftkings weekly lineups this week? Either leave them in the comments, email into Phillytips@barstoolsports.com or Tweet them at myself @SmittyBarstool or NY Times Fantasy Football Writer/Guru/Pro @BalesFootball. I’ll put in my two cents before Bales shoots down my dreams and overall lifestyle and gives you the correct advice. Last week we were HEAVY on the Brady to Gronk combo while showing some love for Brandon Cooks as a value play. How’d that work out for everyone?
Snakes + Canadians = Shitstained pants. That fucker could have been a baby garden snake and most of these guys would still have nightmares. But it legitimately disturbs me how slow Giroux reacts to almost getting bit in the dick by a King Cobra. The Captain needs to have a Spidey Sense for these sort of things.
Surprised nobody went full Tyrone on the snake and booted the cooler to Kingdom Come. Perfect instinctual reaction to getting the piss scared out of you.
Come on, man. The one day a year girls are not judged for dressing like a super tramp and Katy Perry pulls a stunt like this. How much cold hard cash did Frito-Lay dish out to have her dress up like a Cheeto? Because America will double it. Get a GoFundMe set up for her to dress up like that mermaid from Splash before she joined the mainland and it’ll raise enough to cure cancer. Going topless is a perfect costume. It’s borderline blasphemous to dress up like a edible orange dildo when you have the goods like this:
Katy must have used up her costume idea over the Summer when the singer got her eyebrows bleached. WOOF.