Lane Johnson Is Officially Suspended For The First Four Games Of The Regular Season

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PFT – Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson has been suspended for the first four games of the 2014 season for violating the NFL’s policy on performance-enhancing substances. Johnson blamed the suspension, which had previously been reported but only today officially announced, on a medication that he says he took without realizing it was on the list of banned substances. He did not name the medication. “In April while training, I mistakenly and foolishly put a prescribed medication in my body to help with a medical issue. I mistakenly failed to clear it with Eagles trainers and check the NFL list of banned substances. I am extremely sorry for this mistake and I will learn from it and be smarter in the future,” Johnson said. “This will be very hard on me to not be battling with my teammates for four games – but I will be ready and better than ever when I return.”

We knew it was coming and now it’s official. At least the Eagles don’t have the likes of King Dunlap, Jerry Crafts or Karl Malone’s illigetimate kid that couldn’t block the air backing him up. They’ve got veteran Allen Barbre stepping in to solidify the line. Can you feel that excitement?!?! Exactly.

That prescribed medication isn’t part of Chip’s Sports Science mandatory diet, is it? If they are then pick it up and cover your tracks like everyone else. We’ve got a Super Bowl to pretend we can win.

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 3:30 PM

Singer Lana Del Rey Releases ‘F*cked My Way Up To The Top’, Admits She Literally Fucked Everyone In The Music Industry

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YAHOO – Lana Del Rey gets real about sleeping with ‘a lot of guys’ in the music business. Lana Del Rey clearly had no filter in a new interview with Complex magazine for their August/September issue, in which the controversial singer admits to sleeping with “a lot of guys” in the music industry. When talking about her new song “F*cked My Way Up To The Top,” Lana, 29, pretty much admits the song title is literal — only she didn’t even get any of the perceived benefits. “It’s commentary, like, ‘I know what you think of me,’ and I’m alluding to that,” she says. “You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.”

Bob Dylan wrote about corruption and life in the 60′s. Bill Joel was inspired by his Long Island days. And Lana Del Rey sings about how she fucked her way to a record deal. Gotta write from the heart. Wait…she put out but didn’t get anything back in return? Talk about getting Casting Couch’d – A LOT. Fool me once, honey. But I was under the impression the music industry was king of the “You scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” mentality. How else can you explain the likes of Nickelback and Ke$ha vocally queefing their way up the charts? Can’t even imagine how many dicks Bieber’s mom end up dominating in vain before it became a moot point.

Sidenote: How does one become an authority figure in the music industry? I’m asking for a friend myself. Because it might be the biggest power trip a man can have outside of Bill Clinton’s average afternoon. If we need to pick the drumsticks back up or see if that old bag of a piano teacher is still breathing (not a chance in hell – which she’s probably in), just let me know. Not too sure we can get by on these harmonica skills alone. Bite me, fat (now still skinny?) Blues Traveler dude:

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 2:45 PM

A Rather Large 49ers Fan Eats Super Shit While Trying To Cover Seahawks Mascot

That’s what he gets for thinking he can cover a professional mascot. Some of the people inside those suits are more athletic than the people playing the sport. These guys bust their balls in weighed down outfits hotter than the surface of the sun while doing flips and shit. This chumbawumba looks like he’s a spaghetti meal away from committing Gluttony and dying in Se7en. The battle was over before it began. But that’s why it’s funny. A skinny fella might have fractured his skull but he’s got buoyancy to bounce off concrete unharmed. Twice. Sweet skin tight sweats, too. Not gonna be a good look when stands next to a woman on the bus and automatically goes from 6 to midnight. Should’ve elected not to look like a freak and went with the Mumu.

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By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 1:45 PM

Guess That Ass

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Read the rest of this entry »

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 12:50 PM

This Chick On Instagram Is Textbook ‘The Hotter They Are, The Crazier They Come’

INSTAGRAM – I love you, my precious boyfriend. These 100 days dating have been the highlight of my life. Even the days I drive you up the wall & the days you turn me insane, they’re the most special & most funnest, hilarious times I’ve ever had. It’s awesome having a soul mate! Constant back tickles, foot rubs, someone to play with my hair, make brekky/lunch&dinner & practice my beauty therapy on! Someone to compliment me every day & tell me they love me. & I’ve not used the heater once this freezing cold winter!!!! AND I HATE THE COLD. You’re the best hot water bottle! Sharing everything is so perfect, (just not food or the blanket). I love how we are the exact same & we think the same, it’s like having a twin, a bestfriend & a hot boyfriend all in 1! You’re family & there isn’t anything I’d change about you! (Except maybe stop leaving your charger plugged in & BEANIES LEFT EVERYWHERE!) Can’t wait to grow old with you & enjoy every second of my life with my awesome best friend. I love you munchkin, ever forget it!

100 days in and she will already Scorpion his soul if he attempts to flee. Amazing. And we’re not talking about a Tweenie girl straight out of those Babysitter’s Club books you may have accidentally read growing up. This broad is older than that.

I’m not saying Sunshine is all there, either. Dude looks like the type of guy who loves the taste of stamp glue a little too much. Regardless, he needs to take next gnarly swell out of the country or just go under and not come up. Either way, he’s going to be in a better off scenario than what’s going to happen in the next 100 days. This is still the honeymoon phase. If this is how obsessed she is loving him then expect an equal and opposite reaction of hatred down the line. It’s the Third Law Of Love, and it never fails. Sure, leaving things around the house may be cute and funny now, but give it another month. She finds a beanie on the ground while she’s menstruating and all of a sudden he’s getting sideswiped with plugged-in toasters in the shower. Get out while you have the chance.

The hotter they are, the crazier they come. And this one’s got a batshit booty.

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h/t Brian

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 12:10 PM

This Bus Boy Going Beastmode At His Job Needs To Relax

Hey pal. Chill the fuck out. You’re making the rest of us look bad. This is America. Most people are wired to do the least amount of work possible without losing their jobs. You’ve got cube monkeys making decent money while doing legitimately 15 minutes of actual work every week It’s highway robbery for the 21st century. You going apetits on tables for less than minimum wage doesn’t bode well for society. And what’s the point, anyways? It’s like folding prison sheets in American History X and why mailmen go postal. When you wax on and wax off one table there’s just going to be another 20 to clean. So switch out the Meth with weed and sit your shit down. Don’t mess with the system.

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 11:15 AM

St. Joe’s Prep Football To Be Featured On The NFL Network

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Philadelphia, PA (CBS) — There is a standard now in area high school football that goes beyond the area, goes beyond the state and has now reached a national level—and that standard is St. Joseph’s Prep. The Hawks will begin this season No. 1 in every area poll, and are already ranked nationally by MaxPreps at No. 18 in the country. What’s more, the Hawks will be featured nationally next Tuesday on the NFL Network, when Melissa Starks and the NFL production trucks visit The Prep at Temple’s practice facility on Diamond Street. There are a lot of expectations for the Hawks—and orchestrator, head coach Gabe Infante, is well aware.

This should do a lot to calm the Hawk ego. I’ll give credit where credit is due, this is pretty damn cool. I know we have a lot of readers from The Prep. And I am also aware that I bust on St. Joe’s Prep good amount. It’s not because I hate the institution or the people, it’s just fun. Like Penn State lovers, hockey fans and religious nutshits, the buttholes of SJP supporters and alumni get airtight when anything remotely questionable is said about the immaculate Prep. Never fails to put a smile on my face.

It’s always great to see local football teams get national play. There’s a lot of talent and even more pride that’s featured on and off the gridiron around Philadelphia. People forget the premise of Hard Knocks and 24/7 was The Season – A year long look at the rivalry between (now Cleveland Browns HC) Mike Pettine Jr’s North Penn squad vs. his father’s CB West dynasty. The Prep, again, looks to be one of the most dominant teams around the city and the country this year. Definitely worth checking out.

INTERESTING: Notable St. Joe’s Prep Alumni –

Phil Martelli – Current St. Joe’s University head coach
Jim McKay – Legendary sports announcer
Michael Motherfucking Nutter – Mayor of Philly
Rich Gannon – Above average mobile NFL QB
Tom Burgoyne – Philly Phanatic’s “Best Friend”
Rob McElhenney – Mac

Damn you, public school education. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody…

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 10:20 AM

The Rock’s Beard In ‘Hercules’ Was Made With Hair Plucked Off The Balls Of A Yak

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Now that’s what I call movie magic. They can CGI The Rock flying down from the heavens to fight Cerberus in a fiery Hades and make it look like you’re there but they can’t create a realistic 5 O’clock shadow without the assistance of Yak pubes. To be fair, the beard does look tremendous.

How much did Dwayne get for starring in Hercules? $10 million? Yeah, there’s not much I wouldn’t do for that kind of money. For 5 figures I’d personally tweeze the hair off the beast’s testicles with my teeth. You get into the millions and I’d sport the crabbiest of human pubes like Grizzly Adams for the rest of my days. The Rock had it made in the shade with that deal. Money is money and that is some easy straight cash homie.

Through and through one of the best Jackass bits in history. It’s come to this:

By smitty posted July 23rd, 2014 at 9:30 AM
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