You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.
(4) fast food
(3) Cell phone 1 day a week
(7) Barry Bonds
Which, as anyone with firing synapses can understand, is totally wrong. Here is the hand-to-God only best way to spend 10 years locked away in a basement.
Full Kitchen – 6 points
How obvious of an answer is this? Fast food…for ten years? That ugly ginger guy almost died eating McDonald’s for 30 days. Ten years would have you in a pine box. It also should be noted that KFC chose fast food and no workout room. Nonsense. Full kitchen stocked with unlimited amounts of everything for 2 extra points over fast food is the bargain of the decade. The decade you will spend alone mastering the culinary arts, later in life wooing any woman who tries your creations.
TV – 7 points
Didn’t wanna do the TV. Thought I’d be able to hack it. But then I noticed that the internet they have for “sale” doesn’t allow downloading or streaming so…gotta have a TV. Can’t avoid it. Also, since I’m passing on the computer/internet (again, no streaming) I need a way to stay informed so I don’t come out thinking Obama is still President when the country has already switched over to speaking Chinese. Lastly — satellite TV has music channels. Suck it, XM.
Skylight – 2 points
Duh. KFC’s gonna be filthy and fat after all that fast food and no gym, now he’s gonna be pale and sickly, too? No thanks. Humans need to see the sun. If you don’t get the skylight you better 100% get the gun because killing yourself in the dark with pool balls isn’t fun.
Gym/Basketball Court/Batting Cages – 5 points
Gonna leave that basement will the sickest post-up game ever. Inside, outside, mid-range — I’d have it all. Whole body completely ripped to shreds. Probably a few scars and concussions from some batting cage mistakes but whatever. 24/7 indoor basketball court and full gym takes no brains.
Drugs – 5 points
MAYBE the most essential of them all. Ten years is a long time and you’re gonna need drugs to help pass it. A whole lot of painkillers, a heap of attention drugs, and the best THC they can find. Definite necessity.
Library – 4 points
Every book ever? Easy choice. Would I end up just watching TV and never reading like I do right now? Probably. But you gotta have the choice. Can’t not read a book for 10 years.
Phone – 3 points
At this point you may have noticed that I don’t give a fuck about company. The slutty hot chick would be nice but she’s not worth 18 points. Barry Bonds would be annoying and I don’t need a decade-long roommate telling me the same PED stories over and over. I no doubt would have taken the cat over the dog since after a decade locked in a basement that dog would be miserable and the place would smell like dogshit and probably dead dog. Cat would be low-maintenance. But I’m taking neither — all contact will happen once a week by cell phone. Facetime all day with the people you love. Who needs Barry Bonds?
Hygiene – 3 points
Gotta stay fresh.
That’s 35 points — good for $5 million. With nothing to do but learn international delicacies, read the greatest works man’s ever written, hit vaporizer bags, and sculpt my body until I’m LeBron one-handing from the stripe, 10 years would be easy.