ArbroathRussia’s defence minister expressed horror on Monday that soldiers were still wrapping cloths around their feet instead of wearing socks, and vowed the historic practice must end this year. “I would like to give an order that in 2013, at least by the end of the year, we forget the word ‘foot cloths’,” Sergei Shoigu told military top brass. “I ask for extra funds to be issued if necessary so that we completely give up this concept in the armed forces.” Russia’s military leaders have repeatedly vowed to ban the practice, dating back a hundred years, as part of an attempt to modernise the sprawling armed forces. Soldiers wind pieces of cloth around their feet, which some say is more practical for use with tall boots, but the practice is seen as shamefully old-fashioned. “This is 2013. We are still talking about foot cloths,” Shoigu said, adding that he had seen the practice while visiting units in recent months. “Listen, I am amazed at such an attitude to our troops. Find the level of demand and solve this task,” the former emergencies minister ordered.

Normally I’m compelled to defend the American government’s outrageous military spending when some hipster starts rattling off stats they read in some limp-wristed Slate article, but this is hard to defend. Our government spends hundreds of billions of dollars — nearly 5 times that of #2 China and 10x that of #3 Russia — and the Russians don’t even have SOCKS for their soldiers? I mean, maybe it’s time we stop wasting our money building unnecessary war gadgets and spend some of that cash mining Unobtainium and stealing spirit trees from the Avatar planet.

I’m just sayin, if we’re gonna spend 7x more money on defense than education we might as well be getting something for it to make up for all these dumb-ass kids. Russian motherfuckers are wrapping their feet in napkins. I think we’re good.  Do something about college costing $50,000 a year.

PS – Apparently Russia can’t afford bass, either: