DM – It seems the answer to America’s economic woes has been found – and it’s a whole lot more delicious than you might have expected. Taco Bell created 15,000 jobs last year, with the launch of its most popular product ever, the Doritos Locos Taco, as scores of other businesses moaned that regulation, the fiscal cliff and a host of other political factors were inhibiting hiring. More than 375 million of the neon-orange, meat-and-cheese-filled morsels marched out the door in 2012, or roughly a million a day, helping the fast food chain outpace KFC, Pizza Hut and even McDonald’s in terms of growth. ‘It has been the biggest launch in Taco Bell history,’ said the chain’s Australian CEO Greg Creed. He told the Daily Beast the business saw same-store sales rise 8 per cent in 2012. ‘Last year, we added 15,000 people to handle the growth.’
And here lays the future model for American capitalism. We’ll soon realize that besides porn and the occasional ATV, the only thing Americans spend our money on are absurd food items. Chicken-bread bacon sandwiches, double-patty quad grilled cheeses, flavor-dusted tortilla chips shaped into taco shells and filled with horse meat? Where you see an otherwise long-term struggling economy, I see opportunity.
Soon, after all of the other industries have died, fast food will be all we have left. Every man and women in the country will be working for one of the drive-thru elite. McDonald’s will be the new Google. Taco Bell will be the new Apple. And Checkers will…still be like working at Checkers.
Oh, you’re a computer programmer? I hope you can program some of these pig parts into a children’s birthday cake. Oh, you’re a C-level manager? Well let’s SEE if you can manage to get more chocolate frosting in that Taco Bell Dorito Piñata.
It’s all about making the proper adjustments, America. A few small tweaks and our economy will be powered by the infallible strength of our own hunger.