DMAmerican teenagers have the highest rates of drug and alcohol abuse in the developed world. And they are far more likely to be killed by violence than peers in Europe. This lost generation, whose unemployment rate is 20 percent, leads the modern world in some of the most dangerous and irresponsible behaviors, according to a new study released by the Lancet medical journal. The shocking data was released to highlight cultural neglect occurring in the adolescents and young adults — too many of whom die young, according to the researchers behind the publication. However, not all the news is bad. American teens appear to have the highest rates of exercise in the developed world. Despite this, American teens, age 13 to 15 are dramatically more likely to be overweight, leading the western world, according to the data.

This article wants to make these findings all about sex, drinking, and drugs, but ya boy’s not buying it. Getting drunk and getting high is what Americans do. It’s our thing and has been our thing since the days of Native American rum and blanket exchange parties. And American teens are actually pretty middle-of-the-road when it comes to teen sex and pregnancy, regardless of what “13 year-old Stacey Who Will Have A Baby And Don’t Give A Fuck What Her Mama Thinks” you see on Maury. The banging, hooch, and drugs are far from the biggest part of this story.

The craziest thing here is how teens in our country get more exercise than everybody else yet are still fatter than everybody else. Like how much is Michelle Obama wasting her time? ┬áIt almost goes against simple logic. We as a country can’t even blame lack of exercise or fast food anymore. Look at what we found out about the rest of the world over the past month:

It’s gotta be a conspiracy. How else is it possible that they eat all this shit and work out less than we do yet we’re the ones dying from heart disease 2,500 times a day. That’s literally like a 9/11 every day. What else are they putting in our food? Is it that pink slime shit? Something’s up.

CONSPIRACY.