Have fun “eating responsibly” you fucking suckers. It’s all gross surgically-installed manual stomach pumps and chocolate lava cakes for me.

Went to the gym this morning for the first time in months and, you know what, I don’t need that shit. It’s 2013 — why are we still running on treadmills like hamsters? It’s the FUTURE. Which means it’s time to let a doctor drill holes in your gut and install some future electro-jawn that pumps all the bad food out before it has time to digest. It’s the classiest form of bulimia ever. Running to lose weight? You might as well be installing a free hours AOL disk on your dial-up computer.

Since I’m only like 2 more Ben & Jerry’s Smore ice cream pints from full-on adult onset type-2 diabettis, it’s probably time I get an Aspire Aspiration pump before I seizure-out on my keyboard and post a blog with nothing but 5000 J’s. Pump out the chocolate. Keep in the spinach.

Science > Nature.