Reader Email

Mo,

Why do all black people love magic? Do they not understand that magic is just an illusion and not someone actually turning their $1′s into $100′s? I was watching David Blane Street Magic last night and all the black people freak out when he does a trick while the white people aren’t nearly as impressed. What’s up with that?

-Alex

The thing is, Alex…black people understand that magic is real. Completely baffling to us that white people haven’t figured this out yet. David Blaine, Criss Angel, and their whole band of satanic card-changing sorcerers are dangerous abusers of black magic and should be respected and feared completely.

I learned this lesson when I was in middle school. I was at a sleepover at one of my white friends’ house and one of the kids pulled out a Ouija board. Now there’s two types of people who don’t fuck with Ouija boards: black people and religious people. And my extended family is filled with both. So my entire life I was aware that these these boards were a direct link to Satan and black magic and that only gullible white people mess with that stuff. But I got peer pressured into playing, and about an hour later after the spirts spelled “BALLS” and “YOUR MOM” a couple times, it told us to stop or else it would kill us all.

Now you may believe that it was in fact one of the kids on the board moving the piece around and causing it to say these things, but I believe I narrowly escaped that living room with my life.  Trusting facts without a healthy fear of the supernatural is illogical.  Just as illogical as saying Candyman in the mirror or exploring possibly haunted buildings or stubbornly staying in room 1408 when Samuel L. Jackson TOLD YOU you’d be killed. That inherent white curiosity of yours may seem like a good trait to have now, but wait until David Blaine and his cronies come back with their magic changing people’s faces around like they changed those playing cards. Black folks wouldda been gone wayyy before then. We don’t play when it comes to magic.