ArbroathCanadian police rushed to a Victoria housing complex after a man’s struggles on the toilet were so noisy that a concerned neighbour called 911. It happened on Wednesday at about 5 a.m. at a home on Empress Avenue. The woman heard moaning and yelling coming from the man’s basement suite, so officers arrived to check on his well-being, according to deputy chief John Ducker, writing on the VicPD operations blog. After repeated knocks and announcements by the officers, the man opened the door. “When questioned about the amount of noise he was making, the man explained that he had been essentially (in his own different words) on the toilet having his morning constitutional but he was done now,” Ducker wrote. The man promised to keep it down in the future.

This story reminded me of something. School is over and, sadly enough, many of you are now graduating and heading into America’s shitty cubicle workforce this Fall. I know. I’ve been there…selling IT equipment in a company-branded polo on “relaxed” Fridays trying to hit my sales goals so I can re-move out of mom’s place. Shit gets real. So allow me to give you a warning about one of the stranger things you’re going to experience: old men in the office bathroom.

Here’s the thing about ‘em — they. don’t. give. a. fuck. Old guys who work in your company — when they’re in the bathroom — will fart and shit and make audible noise like nobody’s even there. Like they’re sitting on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere just enjoying a friendly, breezy shit in the wilderness. Only in reality they’re in the stall next to you with the dim halogen lighting grunting and groaning so much you’re not even messing with your phone, just trying to get out of there as fast as possible. That’s how much power they have. You’ll be so grossed out by the complete lack of fart-reduction or “ker-plunk” muffling that it’ll absolutely destroy your bathroom experience.

I’ve worked a ton of jobs and that’s always the constant. Old men co-workers in the office bathroom. Motherfuckers are WILD.

PS – Anytime you Google “bowel movement scream” to find an image for your blog you know you’re doing something right,