huffpoA Chinese millionaire is reportedly trying to capitalize on his native country’s worsening air pollution problem by selling canned fresh air. According to a Sydney Morning Herald report this week, Chen Guangbiao, a philanthropist believed to be one of China’s richest individuals, has begun selling “fresh air in soft drink cans” for about 5 Chinese Yuan ($0.80) a pop. The canned air reportedly comes in a variety of flavors, including “pristine Tibet” and “post-industrial Taiwan.” “Every day, we are inhaling the exhaust fumes of cars,” Chen told China’s Sina News last year, as news of his canned air idea began circulating in the media. “And now we have pollution-free air to sell — a benefit to everyone’s health and longevity.”

Socialist China my ass. This is unadulterated hardcore capitalism right here. Selling cans of oxygen because the pollution in Beijing is so bad people can chew their air? That’s the type of shit that could make oil tycoon well up with guilt. See what I did there? Oil…well…? Whatever.

What I’m saying is that Chen Guangbiao is nothing more than an American businessman trapped in a Chinese businessman’s tiny, bespectacled body. Like a little Asian Jerry Jones shaking his head while staring out at clean air, hoping for a little glory hole of smog to help usher in the post-free oxygen era. “Either huff on 80 cents of this ‘post-industrial Taiwan’-flavored air or die, proles.” Ruthlessness like that is as American as linebackers on steroids.

 

UPDATE: got two tweets about how could I not reference Space Balls “Perri Air” in this blog. Simple: I’ve seen Space Balls like once.