MJListen up, TV advertisers: Big Brother is muting you! Well, not entirely. But beginning at midnight tonight, new Federal Communications Commission rules will bar television networks from blasting viewers with those excessively loud, screamy commercial breaks. At last you can retrieve your sanity from Empire Carpet and the KIA Hamsters. (The rules will not, however, get those damn kids off your lawn.) Adopted a year ago Thursday, the rules “will require commercials to have the same average volume as the programs they accompany,” the FCC says. The commission was prompted to action last year when Congress passed the “Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act”—the CALM Act. (Never mind the irony of regulating ads with legislation that sounds like it was named in a focus group.) Seriously, though, the site needs your help in identifying rogue advertisers and their networks (“Tell Us About Loud Commercials”). So starting tomorrow morning, if this happens to you, simply report the violators to 1-888-TELL-FCC

Nobody likes their commercials at twice the volume of their regular TV, and while congress has been unable to save millions of American jobs, stabilize the economy, or provide sufficient services to all of its countrymen, at LEAST they got advertisers to chill with the volume spikes. And as small and sad as this change is — it should give us a little hope that other things can improve, too.

That being said, if I hear ONE ADVERTISEMENT that’s louder than my show I’m gonna be calling that 888-TELL-FCC number with the swiftness. Normally I hate the FCC since I like exposed nipples and cursing, but in this case they actually got it right. I’ll stool pigeon all day for those motherfuckers. Might be the first snitching campaign I can 100% get behind. “Yeah, FCC? maurice. Tide commercial…channel 10. My decibel reader marks a clear 5% increase. Do what you must.”

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!