You know what’s cool? It’s cool when you’re a fan of a team with a $172 million opening day payroll that doesn’t even qualify for the playoffs. You know what’s even cooler? When the castaways of that mess take the MLB Postseason by the dick and shove them down their opponents’ throats.

I wrote yesterday about how I thought it was cool watching Raul Ibanez swat two homers for the Yankees to give them a big win on Wednesday night. I always liked Ibanez and admired the balls of Joe Girardi to bench Alex Rodriguez. I wrote earlier this week about how Hunter Pence blows and that he was a primary reason that his team, like last year, would get bounced in the NLDS again. Pence still huffs butthole, he’s 4 for 20 with four singles this postseason, but his team rebounded to win three straight and advance to the NLCS. And while I’m not thrilled about it, I can live with it. Guy came up small when it mattered, but he wasn’t a bad dude. But then last night happened and I’m in full inferiority complex mode.

The Nationals are on the brink of elimination, deadlocked in a 1-1 game in the bottom of the ninth, and Werth struts to the plate. Guy falls behind 0-2 after looking at two pitches right down the middle. He’s totally screwed. But then he works the count even and fouls off seven fucking pitches. And you just knew. You knew on the 13th pitch of the at-bat that he would swat a 406-foot home run to left field to send Washington into a frenzy. And I want to say I’m secure enough that it didn’t bother me. But watching that jackass fly around the bases to become the first postseason hero in the history of the Washington Nationals, well, it got to me.

I made peace with 81-81 in 2012. But this? Come on. Give me a fucking break.