ABCJennifer Love Hewitt has a pretty good idea of what her most valuable asset is: her chest. In a USA Today video, “The Client List” star was asked, “Would you ever insure your breasts?” Her response: “If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it. Why not?’” Indeed, at the start of the video, she jokes that her boobs are worth five million. Also in the clip, the 34-year-old actress laughs that her grandmother, 86, calls her the “TV ho,” given her role on the Lifetime TV drama as a risqué massage therapist.

For 80′s babies like myself, the I Know What You Did Last Summer memories are still stored safely deep in our brains. The worldwide acceptance of Jennifer Love Hewitt as a sex symbol is something we remember, as her mediocre acting and anything-but-mediocre titties stood firm as Hollywood spank material for kids everywhere. Fast forward some years and it’s like the chick stopped existing. Why? Because Jennifer Love Hewitt passed the white guy thickness threshold.

Let’s first clear something up: Jennifer Love Hewitt never got fat. She simply got too thick for white guys to still be attracted to her. Jessica Simpson is fat. Adele is fat. The new chick from SNL who doesn’t get enough skits is fat. JLH never was that. Even when she was all ass-dimpled up in that black bikini she wasn’t fat.

I’m not saying she was FIT. I’m not saying the package couldn’t have been tightened up. But I wouldn’t go so far as to call the girl FAT. She’s in a bikini! Here’s a quick chart I made comparing black and white levels of attraction to women of different body types:

Clearly Jennifer Love Hewitt was never “fat” since this chart is official and took me nearly 6 minutes to produce. You may disagree with me as it is your right as an American to do, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m wrong. It just means you like small butts and you cannot lie. My hunch — which is admittedly racist — is that black and Latin guys never fully jumped off the Jennifer Love Hewitt bandwagon.

When she started adding more “L-B’s” and getting less “R-O-L-Es” the rest of the world moved on. Not me. I never forgot about my girl JLH. So she can use this breast insurance quote as a PR stunt to steal media attention all she wants, but it’s nothing more than a tactic to win back white dudes. JLH flaunting her tits these days is like the Miami Heat flaunting Udonis Haslem. The girl’s got LeBron James for ass cheeks. Forget the tits — you’re 34. Know where your power lies.

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