philly.comA Pittsburgh-area man who allegedly assaulted his ex and kidnapped their baby was tracked to Upper Darby early this morning via his cell phone and Google Earth, according to police. Around 1:30 a.m., Upper Darby police received a call from police in North Versailles, a town about 13 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, who were trying to locate Edward Johnson, a 36-year-old man who had allegedly assaulted his ex and kidnapped their 6-month-old baby boy, said Upper Darby Superintendent Michael Chitwood.North Versailles authorities were able to develop two coordinates on Johnson using recent calls he had made on his cell phone, and the coordinates indicated that Johnson was in the Upper Darby area, Chitwood said. An officer with Upper Darby police then entered those coordinates in to Google Earth and was able to narrow Johnson’s location down to the 500 block of South 69th Street.

Very first thought after reading the initial headline and seeing his picture — “they saw him from SPACE?” Then I realized that I’m much, much dumber than I originally thought. Dumb as I may be, here’s a little tip of advice, Barstool: if you’re in the middle of abducting a baby and are on the run from the cops, keep your cell on Airplane Mode. TV never lies. They triangulate that shit.

Yes, his hair is the only reason this story was blogworthy. SWEET SUGARY MOSES!