wpbfFORT PIERCE, Fla. —A man was arrested after officers said he was watching children play in a playground with his pants unzipped. David Lee Wright, a registered sex offender who has been incarcerated five times, was arrested Wednesday after he was found standing by a fence that separates the ALPI Lincoln Park Head Start preschool and the Lincoln Park Community Center in Fort Pierce, according to the arrest report. When officers confronted Wright, 47, he told them he goes to the playground “every day to relax.” They also said “his pants were unbuttoned and that the zipper was completely open,” according to the report. And when they searched him, they found a knife in one pocket as well as “a bag of Kool-Aid and a large quantity of paper napkins” in his possession, the report said.

There are a few important possibilities here to think about when considering the Kool-Aid packet portion of this story:

Scenario A: This man just casually had Kool-Aid in his pocket that he was planning to whip up back at the crib later. No huge problem with that, although carrying Kool-Aid on you as a black man about to do something illegal is incredibly embarrassing to the race. Can’t have Kool-Aid on your person, ever. Especially if you’re about to masturbate to minors.

Scenario B: The police actually planted the Kool-Aid on David Lee Wright, seeing it as a hilarious racist gag. Kind of like sprinkling crack on a guy.

“Is this YOUR Kool-Aid?”
“Man I don’t know where y’all got that y’all planted that shit on me.”
“Tell it to the judge, Kool-Aid!”

Scenario C: David Lee Wright was going to masturbate with the Kool-Aid. Now this is by far the wildest of the three but also may be the most likely. It’s not like he didn’t have all of the rest of his go-to masturbatory needs: unzipped pants, plenty of napkins, a clear view of children playing at the park, etc. Maybe rubbing Kool-Aid all over his stuff is part of his fetish.

Sick world out there.