ArbroathZoo keeper Zhang Bangsheng used warm water to clean a small Francois’ Leaf Monkey’s buttocks at Wuhan Zoo in China, then began using his mouth to lick it, not stopping for over an hour, until the little monkey defecated a single peanut. Only after the peanut was defecated did 50-year-old Zhang Bangsheng laugh with satisfaction. As it is understood, the small Francois’ langur is only 3 months old, and is the first Francois’ Leaf Monkey to be born in nearly 10 years at Wuhan Zoo. The Francois’ langur is a rare primate from Guangxi and Guizhou and is amongst the nation’s most protected animals. Because it is so precious, the zoo gave it to model worker and high-level expert Zhang Bangsheng to care for and raise. Seeing peanut shells on the ground, Old Zhang immediately understood that visitors had definitely tossed peanuts to the small monkey, and the toothless monkey swallowed the peanut whole. If it does not quickly defecate it, it would endanger the little monkey’s life. Because the monkey is too small, it wasn’t suitable to use medicine to help it defecate. The only way was to lick its buttocks, to prompt it to defecate the peanut.

Let me be real with you for a second: I don’t care if that was the last monkey on earth…its asshole is not getting licked by me. The President of the Universe could come down from future Heaven to make me the sole caregiver for the rarest creature in existence, but if the next day that responsibility involves massaging its sphincter with my tongue for an hour you can pretty much guarantee the death of that species. I wouldn’t lick my own child’s asshole to save its life, so it’s amazing stuff that Zhang Bangsheng can do that for a MONKEY. Dude probably makes like $20k a year. There are reasons why America is still the best country on the planet, folks.

Honestly, even if it were possible, I don’t think I’d lick my own asshole to save my life. I’d just fucking die of peanut and that’d be that.