Gotta love how Monster is trying to distance themselves from 5-Hour Energy like their drinks are made of vitamins and sunshine. Yeah Monster, your 24oz of sugary cocaine may not give women a surprise abortion, but to say your drink isn’t associated with any deaths is hilarious. Go to a video game comic Star Trek Star Wars ANY convention and tell me those fat humps sucking down Monster drinks aren’t slowly poisoning themselves into diabetic strokes.

I remember the first time I took a 5 Hour Energy. I was working in IT sales and bought one at Wawa before work so I wouldn’t be tempted to sleep at my desk, and within 15 minutes my legs were shaking and my teeth were grinding like I was a cubicle crackhead. Completely blew me away that it was legal. Years later I still used the stuff before running in the morning because it made me feel like Nick Swardson after plunging his face into a pile of coke, but now it may finally be time to stop. I may not be pregnant but any 4 ounce drink that can eject a baby from the fetus is probably some shit I should avoid pouring into my body.