cbsThe Philadelphia Eagles are in what is one of the worst downward spirals of Andy Reid’s tenure and the players are using an old tactic to try and right the sinking ship: a players-only meeting. One player in that meeting, who did not want to be identified, described it in various ways without getting overly specific. Basically, the meeting can be summed up this way, according to the player: “Part motivational, part finger pointing but overall fairly positive.” “This team needed to do some soul searching and clearing the air,” the player said, “and we did that. Some guys needed to be called out but we also needed to end it on a positive note and we did.” The player described the Eagles, post-meeting, as “totally fired up.” I’ve covered teams in the NFL, NBA, MLB and almost all major college sports and my experience is that these types of meetings are usually a sign that the end is near. Could easily be wrong about Philadelphia but, in general, a players meeting leads to more losing. We’ll see if this one is any different.

Vick: Guys. Hey, HEY — GUYS!! I called ya’ll here today for this players-only meetin cause I felt like there are some things we need to discuss as a team and as men.

DeSean: Aye man like you throwin the ball at my ankles and fumblin like a dummy and throwin me into double-coverage so I can get my blocc knocced by Ed Reed?

Maclin: Like that time we were gonna take the lead on the Steelers in Pittsburgh and you fumbled into the end zone?

Trent Edwards: Like the time you told me we were going to the club after the Giants win but left me in the locker room and didn’t answer any of my texts?

Vick: Nah, I just think we need to have an honest discussion with each other before this thing spirals out of control and we start getting heated and the next thing you know one of us is taking a toothbrush shank to the kidney in the lunch line and has to miss his weekly herpes treatments.

Nnamdi: Man, this is so Omar of you to–

Everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP, NNAMDI!

Nnamdi: I was just pointing out the correlation between The Wire

Everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Vick: We just need to think of a way where we can all come together…

Foles (trying to sound like voices in the crowd): New quarterback! Yeah, we should put that really handsome white kid in the game!

Vick: Nah that ain’t it, neither. If we could just find one thing that can bind us all together…I got it!

LeSean McCoy: What? AIDS that will kill you before Monday and convince Fat Andy that all he needs to do to keep his job is hand me the ball?

Vick: Nope, got my AIDS cleared up two months back in Cairo by Magic Johnson’s personal magician. This is an idea that comes straight from Leavenworth.

[Vick runs out of the meeting room, stumbles, then comes back with a heavy box that he throws across his body toward DeSean but is intercepted by DeMeco Ryans. DeMeco opens the box to reveal duct tape, tube socks, a package of D batteries, a pillow, and a stack of phone books]

DeMeco: What’s this?

Vick: What we’re gonna use to beat Nnamdi within an inch of his life without anybody suspecting anything.

[Everyone cheers]

Nnamdi: C’mon — lads. You surely can’t place blame for all of our team’s woes on one lowly free agent. I may have had a few sporadic missteps here and there but there’s no conceivable reason for this. ┬áMichael, if you only knew how much this was like Omar MMRRGRURPHRAPHAM–

[Cullen Jenkins stuffs a sock into Nnamdi's mouth and bear hugs him from behind]

Cullen: Whip his legs! There’s only four phone books in here so some of ya’ll gonna have to share!