philly.com – Darrelle Revis is on the trading block, and the Eagles should do whatever is takes to acquire the New York Jets cornerback. They have the draft picks; the salary-cap space; and, most important, a glaring hole in the secondary that makes dealing for the all-pro a no-brainer. There’s already a rumor brewing in certain NFL circles that Eagles general manager Howie Roseman has been crunching the numbers and putting together an offer to bring the 27-year-old Revis to Philadelphia. Others around the league aren’t buying it. Why would Roseman give up a high draft pick, probably another next year, and sink at least $12 million a season into a player who is only six months removed from tearing the anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee? … But Revis is not Asomugha. He’s two years younger than Asomugha was when the Eagles signed him in July 2011. He’s more versatile. And he’s much better.
This is Philadelphia, Howie. Maybe rolling the dice on Danny Amendola ends up in your favor, but we all know how this Revis deal is gonna work:
April – Add Revis. Mixed reaction from fans at first because of Nnamdi but eventually everyone riles up into their normal, unrealistically excited selves.
May – Draft picks start signing. More hype. Early mini camps. Revis nowhere to be seen.
June – Revis not in veteran mini camps. Team trying to write it off as an experienced player just looking to take it easy before a big season.
July – Training Camp and Revis finally hits the field. Completely dominating in early 11-on-11 drills. Wiping out whole sides of the field. Offense looking fast and unique. Five tight ends? DeSean under center!? The hype machine is out of control like a washing machine in a 1950′s sitcom.
August – Injures knee while playing bocce ball. Gets into fight with Evan Turner at a McDonald’s charity event after making fun of his voice. Witnesses say the confrontation began when Revis mocked the way Evan said “Super Size strawberry shake.”
September – Plays two games at half speed while trying to get back in football shape. Listed as doubtful for next two weeks after somehow suffering a concussion doing sit-ups on his front lawn. Gets in Twitter meltdown with baby mama where it’s revealed he has herpes, AIDS and two penises.
October – Ruptures Achilles reenacting Rocky’s run up the Art Museum steps for a Tastykake commercial. Ruptures it again while riding a hoveround in Whole Foods. Tastykake cancels production of new extra large soft-baked chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches. This is the worst thing that has ever happened.
November – Somehow able to play in crucial game with a spot in the playoffs on the line. A new-found interest in the universe and Russian tarot cards leads Revis to abandon rehab and instead spend his free time snorting Tang powder with Ilya Bryzgalov. The loss in cardiovascular shape causes Revis to throw up on the field during a key play, resulting in an Eagles defeat.
December – Starts selling scam fitness DVDs with Nelly. ‘Revis Island’ reality show not green lit by BET.
January – Refuses Contract renegotiation.
February – Square one.
March – “I knew we should’ve resigned Asante.” – future @fakeWIPcaller tweet