PFTThe Eagles have landed a possible replacement for injured left tackle Jason Peters and it’s probably not the guy you were expecting. Well, not exactly the guy you were expecting. The team announced that they have signed Demetress Bell to a five-year deal on Wednesday. Until the point of his signing, you probably knew him as Demetrius Bell, but it seems that he is celebrating his arrival in the City of Brotherly Love by changing the spelling of his first name. “Demetress is a guy we’ve followed since he joined the league,” general manager Howie Roseman said in a statement from the team. “He’s a big, athletic left tackle and he has quite a few games of experience under his belt with Buffalo. He’ll excel with our style of play on the offensive line.”

WikipediaKarl Malone has never offered public confirmation that he is the father of Demetrius Bell. However, laboratory blood tests prepared for the Bell family’s 1986 paternity lawsuit against Malone reportedly pointed to an over 99 percent probability that Bell’s father was either Malone or a brother of Malone. Malone initially refused to respond to the lawsuit, but eventually reached an out-of-court settlement with the Bell family over the issue. The Bells received a single lump sum payment of a confidential amount, with no on-going child support for Demetrius. In speaking later about the settlement, Malone’s attorney asserted that it had not included an official court determination of paternity, and noted that Malone “had a lot of brothers”.[1] Although Malone was 20 years old at the time that the 13-year old Gloria Bell was impregnated, she said that her family chose not to pursue criminal charges against Malone over the relationship. According to Bell, with Malone being a neighbor — Summerfield’s population is only a few hundred — her family did not wish to see him jailed, especially since he would then be unable to provide any support for Demetrius at all.[1]

What the hell planet is this? Over here ready to write up your standard blog making fun of the dude for changing his name after signing a 5-year deal with my team, then go over to Wikipedia only to learn that he is in fact Karl Malone’s SON whose mom got preggo at 13 YEARS OLD. That’s right. Twenty year-old Karl Malone was spreading his athlete seed with 13 year-old girls and creating weird half-Karl decently talented but oft-injured NFL left tackles. Mind = bottled.

Okay…okay. Karl Malone banged your 13 year-old mom then peaced out and didn’t talk to you until your 18th birthday when he revealed that you guys will never have a father-son relationship. I don’t even know how to react to something like that. Do I just go to the Eagles online store and buy a Malone Eagles jersey? Do I go to YouTube and look at old Mailman Jazz highlights to try to see if there’s any indication of hereditary pass-blocking skills? I’m just wandering the desert of my mind right now waiting for my spirit animal to take me wherever this ridiculous-ass story leads.

Okay…EAGLES. Needed a LT and got the best one available, continue our tradition of stealing the Bills’ LTs, and no longer have to waste a high draft pick to replace Peters. “Demetress” has a history of injuries but hopefully he can Karl Malone the entire year. And who knows? Maybe once the year is up and Peters is healthy we just Mailman him out of here for a 3rd round Karl Malone or two. Huh? Dammit — I’m doing it again.