Tell me there’s no Tooth Fairy. Tell me there’s no Santa. Hell, you can tell me there’s no God. But to tell me EATDATPUSSY445, in fact, does NOT eat pussy (445)? I don’t think I can recover.

I guess I should have taken a hint given that homeboy probably hasn’t seen his own genitals let alone those of a living human female in God knows how long. But part of me always held hope. Part of me always wanted to believe. That out there, somewhere, was a morbidly obese Eagles superfan eating dat pussy all the live-long day. So much so that he NAMED HIMSELF after it.

But no. Eatdatpussy445 not only doesn’t eat pussy, he has NEVER eaten pussy. What a blow to the heart. EDP445 is just a great big letdown like everything dealing with the Eagles this year. What a phony. Fuckin’ internet.

This is a fuckin shame, indeed.