GO – Try as he might, Mitt Romney could never sell voters on the idea that he was just like regular folks who shop at Costco. But the gossip website TMZ captured Romney and his wife, Ann, on an expedition to the warehouse store near their home in La Jolla, Calif., loading up on pantry staples and paper products. The TMZ photo gallery is worth clicking through. The photographer captured Romney inspecting toy cars — made in China, natch — and pushing his cart loaded with Christmas wrapping paper, Kirkland paper towels (i.e. the store brand), V8 drinks and Arrowhead bottled water. Plus there are photos of Romney unloading a gigantic box of Bisquick and other purchases into a black Audi Q7 SUV. Ann Romney pushes her own cart of Costco purchases behind her husband.
1. Are those rolled-down Volcom socks? This whole footwear situation needs work. You’re far too rich for this. The Volcom socks paired with the Asics simply causes confusion. Are you planning on landing kickflips in the park later or are you running a half marathon? Is it possible that the logo on the socks isn’t Volcom and is actually some secret illuminati group that controls Canadian weather? Yes. Could it also just be part of the Mormon underwear rules? Yes.
2. Arm hair — very important. Should have shown off the hairy arms while you still had a chance at the White House. Obama doesn’t have any hair like that; dude’s as hairless as I am. Couldn’t grow a mustache if he took steroids and ate nothing but flesh for a year straight. The American people would’ve appreciated your beastly superiority over BO’s timid, slender frame.
3. The shorts…yeesh. Here’s the plan: treat those shorts like they were an under-performing American worker and get rid of them immediately. I know they’re probably from some underground rich-guy LL Bean-style catalog and cost you $800, but they look like Old Navy children’s section discount rack. Again, you’re too rich to look like that.
4. The half-zip short-sleeve windbreaker? Don’t change a thing. It’s perfect.
5. Ray-Bans? Love ‘em. Make sure you tell the story about how you bought them off the face of that negro jazz musician in Cincinnati.
6. The hat screams World Series Of Poker Loser’s Table, but for some reason it’s working for you. Keep it.
7. Only drive American cars, eh Mitt? Right. And Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.
As far as Ann goes…change nothing. Ya chick ain’t lookin that bad, Mitt. Make with the dim lighting and I’d probably still stab it.