Philly.comNow, for those of you who want to have an honest discussion about drug-testing, let’s take a look at what actually happened yesterday evening when the Phillies announced that rookie infielder Freddy Galvis had been suspended for a drug test that revealed traces of the banned drug Clostebol in his system. A urine sample provided by a utility man who was hitting .226 with a .254 on-base percentage and three home runs returned a positive test that, according to a 2004 study, could have been caused by contaminated meat, contaminated medicine, or a woman’s vagina that that had been contaminated with contaminated medicine. The positive test also could have been caused by a light-hitting utility man’s decision to ingest an illegal anabolic drug in the hopes of improving his performance and securing a permanent spot on a major league roster. The reality is that none of us knows anything beyond what the drug test revealed, which, according to a statement issued by Galvis, was a trace amount of Clostebol. The exact amount, according to the player, was 80 parts per trillion, which is the rough equivalent of a drop of ink that has been diluted into 12 million gallons of water. Relatively speaking, such an amount would be at the far end of detectable levels.

I’m just going off of what science and the wise words of David Murphy tell me. You hear that, high-horse steroid finger pointers? Freddy’s positive could have come from anything. A weird burger he ate in Chinatown, off-brand cough medicine, or some horny chola in Florida who was artificially juicing up her vagina. No certainties in the game of abstract banned PEDs. No certainties in the game of soapbox back-in-my-day tough guy moral police sports fanaticism, either. You just gotta take these rulings for what they are and move on without drawing too many conclusions.

Besides, Freddy got fingered at the perfect time. Dude’s back is broken. He wouldn’t be ready to play for at least another 50 games either way. This vaginal steroid Clostebol is not even worth our time discussing it.