Arbroath – Police in Hamburg, Germany investigating the death of a man who was found shot in the head in a tied-up sack floating in a river, suspect that rather than having been the victim of a Mafia hit, he killed himself. The body of 43-year-old Uwe Sattler was found in the River Elbe in July by a fisherman. He was wearing a rucksack full of rocks and had been shot in the head and put into a sack fastened with cable ties before he hit the water. Local media was rife with speculation about a Mafia murder – but after extensive investigation, the police now say they are nearly certain that the Sattler killed himself. “We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide,” a Hamburg police spokeswoman said. “There is no other explanation; no other motive and no other evidence.” Detectives have worked out that there was enough of an opening in the sack between the cable ties for Sattler to get an arm out and shoot himself so that afterwards the gun would fall to the ground. He would have had to have done this while perched on the edge of a bridge or jetty to ensure falling into the water. Why he would make such an effort to do this remains a mystery – as does the whereabouts of the gun, which was never found.

This is why you have to give it to the Germans. The cops are crooked — no beating around the bush. In America there’s far too much grey area between what’s legit and what’s corrupt. Our system wastes entirely too much energy trying to prove to us that everything is going by the rules and progressing as it should. Shit would just be easier if it were spelled out for us like in Germany. Yes, these guys are the mafia. Yes, they work with police. Yes, if you cross them you will be tied up in a sack and shot in the head and the cops will call it a suicide. Done and done.

America is built on the idea that everything is fair, but wouldn’t it just be easier to admit that it isn’t to end all the uncertainty? Everything’s so secret. If my cousin gets locked up, who’s the cop I gotta bribe to get him out? Who is my Philadelphia local organized crime representative? Do they have a hotline I can call if I need immediate violence and/or to put $400 on the Under? It’s like we’re the land of the free and home of the brave, even though I’m not free to drink a beer outside my apartment and all the brave people got deployed to the Middle East. I mean c’mon America let’s take a page from the German police and make these things a little more obvious. Enough games.