ArbroathAn elite military Guards battalion is growing breasts because of the way they drill, a military medical report had revealed in Germany. Dozens of soldiers in the Wachbataillon unit – which performs close drill displays at official events – are said to be stricken with a condition which stimulates male mammary glands. Experts say the repeated slapping of the soldiers’ heavy rifles in the same spot on the left side of their chests during drills has stimulated the glands to produce hormones, causing breasts to sprout on one side only. The condition – called one-sided gynecomastia – has been diagnosed in 74 per cent of battalion members who presented to army medics with concerns over the growths. Director of plastic surgery at the military hospital in Berlin, Professor Bjorn Krapohl, confirmed: “There is a very significant link between the activity in the Guard Battalion and the development of the breast on the left side. They need to change the way they drill. The constant slamming of the rifles against the left hand side of the chest is clearly a significant factor,” he added.

“The constant slamming of the rifles against the left hand side of the chest is clearly a significant factor.” Clearly. Jesus, these men joined the military thinking it was something masculine and are forced to leave with a soggy left bitch tit. And not even a good one. A cup.

This goes right back into what I was saying last week about military spending — I think we’re good, America. Russian army is using napkins as socks, the German army is full of dudes with sugar titties, and America all of a sudden just doubled the number of people who can fight in combat. It’s just like Starship Troopers. Sure they’re women and someone will have to demonstrate to them the differences between holding a vacuum and holding an AR-15, but I’m pretty sure they’ll get the hang of it.

Nothing to fear but fear itself. Especially not soldiers with breasts.