Consider this my treat to you. Below are your best bets immediately following the Super Bowl’s presumed end time of 10 PM so you can avoid all the confetti and celebration. If you’re like me and don’t want to projectile vomit from the sickening reality that either the city of Boston or Eli Manning has won another championship, keep your hand on that remote and switch over to one of the below once the clock strikes 0:00.

What To Watch

CNN - CNN Newsroom — Maybe 10,000 Tongans die in a tsunami earthquake right before kickoff. Maybe Ron Paul gets caught in a room full of cocaine and black hookers. Maybe they’ll have a new hologram touch screen they wanna show off. Random news may be our best shot of eclipsing the Super Bowl.

CBS – NCIS — I’ve never seen this show in my life but the description reads “The team searches an abandoned cargo vessel for a killer after a coast guard officer is gunned down.” I don’t see “Eli Manning forces an awkward half-smile while bumbling through some poorly-planned bullshit about Teamwork and Togetherness” anywhere. I’ll take it.

MTV – Jersey Shore — Only the high-pitched waves of verbal fat and retardation bellowing out of Snooki’s mouth can possibly drown out the neanderthal grunts of Ron Gronkowski preparing to fuck every blond slut in Massachusetts.

E! – Sex and the City — Because giggling with your friends to Samantha’s quirky whorish zingers isn’t half as gay as the slobbering lovefest between Tom Brady, Wes Welker, and Chad Ochocinco.

MSNBC – To Catch a Predator — Attempted rape > Tolm Coughlin’s smile.

What NOT to watch

ESPN, CSN, NFL Network – Pretty simple.

QVC – NFL Shop Super Bowl Special — Unless they’re selling the loser’s shit that normally goes to Haiti and Africa it’s important to avoid championship hats and t-shirts at all costs.

Cartoon Network – King of the Hill – Hank Hill is a fucking Cowboys fan.

Comedy Central – Tosh.0 – Because.

I hope this helps.

*Supper happens when you write headlines on a cell phone