StarJust a few days after her split from N.Y. Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, Eva Longoria had already drafted another sweetheart: Wilmer Valderrama! Eva, 37, was spotted canoodling with 32-year-old Wilmer at a play in downtown L.A. “Wilmer and Eva went in and sat down next to each other – and as soon as the lights went out, she tucked her arm under his and they held hands the entire play,” an eyewitness reports. “She kept whispering in his ear and laying her head in his shoulder. They were really the cutest couple.”

This dude’s cock has gotta be made of platinum cocaine because there is simply no other explanation as to how he still manages to bang Hollywood celebrities. HE’S NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE! Like how is it possible that he and Mark Sanchez are playing in the same dating league? Sure Sanchez is awful at quarterbacking — but he’s still an attractive NFL star who plays in New York. Wilmer Valderrama’s last job was telling YO MAMA JOKES on MTV in the background at like 2am while you’re going to sleep. His ability to still pull celebrity ass is one of the most remarkable mysteries currently on this planet.

Check his stats:

The hot Jennifer Love Hewitt
Mila Kunis
Mandy Moore
Hot Lindsay Lohan
Ashlee Simpson
Avril Lavigne
Demi Lovato
Minka Kelly

And now rebound Eva Longoria? Unbelievable! Only in America!