gristThis pizza is for reals, and it’s offered by Pizza Hut in the U.K., a fact that I determined by having to type the phrase “mustard drizzle” into Google, see what I do for you people? So for once, the let’s-double-fist-everything-we-can-reach Frankenjunkfood thing isn’t the fault of Americans. In fact, it’s not even the fault of the Brits: Wiener-stuffed pizza has evidently been available in Thailand and Japan for years.

I don’t care what any of these bloggers/comedians/assholes have to say, I love the fact that America is #1 in fast food innovation and will never apologize for it. I’m actually kind of pissed that this was the work of the Brits and not a creation of our own. We’ve been losing out on a lot of great crazy food ideas lately. The French coming out with black bun Whoppers. The Japanese with giant meat towers. What happened to that patriotic spirit that brought us chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, and cheese all gelatinated in a plastic bowl? The innovation that turned a Tracy Jordan 30 Rock joke into actual meat-bread reality? We’re slackin’, America. And while adding Cool Ranch taco shells is a step in the right direction, we’re gonna need to put our hearts back into making hearts stop.