I’m an Eagles fan. My team is terrible. So as someone whose job it is to periodically write about the Eagles I have to fantasize about impossible scenarios to keep my mind sharp and not end up in the woods somewhere making a suicide pact with Fireman Ed.

Today’s impossible fantasy: fantasy! What if the NFL were to end up in a situation where the owners took a vote and decided as a majority to put every active NFL player into a pool and hold a redraft? Let’s say the draft order was randomized in a lottery and held snake style to keep it fair. Let’s also say you are the GM of your favorite team with final say on who gets picked. Well guess what Mr. GM? You got the first pick! Any player in the NFL can be yours to build a brand new franchise.

Who do you pick?

My answer (herein acknowledged as “the correct answer”) is Cam Newton.

But maurice, Cam Newton is last year! His team sucks and he has an attitude problem and RGIII is like Maroon Closet Gay Jesus dipped in infinity. Why Cam??

Because Cam Newton is still the prototype. We also did something similar last year and I like to stick to my guns. Do I think he’s an obnoxious pretty boy loudmouth whose lack of modesty keeps him distanced from the fans? Absolutely. I mean hell I just wrote that sentence of course I think that. But Cam Newton is a player whose flaws are all things that can motivate him in a LeBron Jamesian way. Both guys at one point were arrogant freaks of nature with no big (professional level) wins to show of it. One of them found a way to separate himself from the hatred / use it as motivation to win a championship. I think Cam could do the same. When a player’s got a cannon arm, mobility, size, speed, accuracy, confidence, and more durability than any other mobile QB in the league, a little immaturity and selfishness seem like minor gripes. People age; maturity is almost unavoidable and with the right guidance I believe he can be the best QB in the game.

Someone like RGIII would be great, but he’s a few seasons of a bad offensive line away from taking Michael Vick death blows to the head and ribs. And as far as Andrew Luck is concerned, well, he just has a dumb-looking face. And while a dumb-looking face has proven to be a tremendous asset when it comes to winning Super Bowls (see: Manning, Eli; Manning, Peyton; Roethlisberger, Ben), I’d rather take the guy with the expanded skill set. Luck can move and has an arm — but neither like Superman. Cam Newton with the right coach is in an Eagles uniform holding the Lombardi trophy because of my pick no question.

Also, Cam is the correct answer because he’s a young quarterback. As mentioned previously this draft would be snake style, meaning if you were to pick first you wouldn’t get to select another player until #64. So if you don’t go with a quarterback #1 you’re either a defensive genius or an idiot but certainly an arrogant dickhole who should hurt him or her self (hey ladies). Have fun building that franchise around Carson Palmer.

But who would YOU take, faithful Stoolie? Explain your pick and tell me why I’m wrong below.

PS – Maybe I’d accept J.J. Watt. MAYBE.