This ain’t funny, woman! Don’t you see your man is in pain? An alien is about to burst through the poor guy’s calf and all you do is giggle and record it vertically. I wouldda dumped you immediately. Stop filming and get this soldier some electrolytes.

PS – If he was swimming when this happened we’d be talking about him in the past tense.
PPS – Blah blah blah Lebron.