Retired Cop, Private Investigator, Or Person Familiar With The Mafia (Philadelphia Suburbs)

I am involved in a situation with the mafia where they are coercing me and threatening to kill me. They are doing a variety of stalking activities involving breaking into my house and leaving clues and harassing me in person, that I need help trying to figure out and manage. This has been going on and gradually unfolding over the past 3 years. I may need to go to the FBI to report the activities but I am afraid to do so by myself. I’m not sure exactly how you might be able to help but I want to talk it through with someone knowledgeable about the subject. I need someone to talk to to help me through this desperate situation. If you are reading this ad and can’t help me but know of someone who can please let me know. Please reply with some info about yourself and background, age, etc. and why/how you think you can help me. Please dear God help me.

Reader Email
Hey Mo,
I’m a law student and was looking on Craigslist legal job postings and stumbled across this gem:

I guess the mafia doesn’t know how to use the internet?

Viva La Stool!

-Steve

I feel like I’ve already written the ending to this story in my head. Here’s what’s gonna happen:

- Dude gets an email from a guy claiming to be a private dick who is very familiar with the mafia and settling deals. Although the Craigslist guy is suspicious since some of the words in the email are spelled incorrectly, he has no other choice but to trust this stranger and agree to meet him in a private location.

- The private location is the docks.

- Guy shows up to the docks and is quickly greeted by the “detective”, who is wearing a trench coat, aviators, and a crooked fake mustache.

- “Hey, what’s up with the fake mustache?”
“Eyyyyy, what fake mustache, EH!? Fuggetabout the lip hair for a second cuz, ALRIGHT? Let’s get down to brass tacks. You need to get in this here trunk. For protection.”

- Craigslist guy is suspicious since the detective is talking so wildly with his hands, but lets out a helpless sigh and gets in the trunk.

- Craigslist guy is never heard from again.

The mafia has internet access, you fucking idiot.