DM - A well-meaning octogenarian has stunned art experts after taking it upon herself to restore a treasured century-old fresco – with distinctly amateurish results. Elias Garcia Martinez’s depiction of Jesus has held pride of place in a Spanish church for more than 120 years. But over the past 18 months moisture in the church caused the fresco to deteriorate – prompting a local woman in her 80s to whip out her paintbrush and try and fix it herself. The elderly woman did not consult the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza before she set about transforming the once beautiful depiction of Christ into something that now resembles a character from Planet of the Apes. The church is always open to the public and the woman had completed her botched restoration job before anyone noticed what she was doing.

BAM. And just like that, this courageous woman just saved her church thousands of dollars. Sure they could have blown that money on a professional to waste everyone’s time detailing every single tedious brush stroke, but I think we all realize now it was far better for this woman to sneak in and give us the horror movie owl-faced Jesus we all know and love. Why go through all the trouble of hiring a pro when you’ve got talent like this sitting only a couple pews away?

Listen, I’m not here to browbeat you over what I believe Jesus’ true appearance was, but I have never seen a likeness that so closely matches the image in my brain. Full neckbeard, transparent lips, the maroon muumuu, those famously piercing black eyes — it’s amazing to finally see with my eyes the loving face of Jesus I’ve only seen before in my heart. That’s Big J alright. Kudos to this old hero.