I don’t like the The Star Spangled Banner as the National Anthem. What the fuck does spangled even mean? When I blow loads on bitches, would they then have Nut Spangeled Butt Cheeks? Regardless, any song that starts off with a question is stupid. Basically Franky Keys is sayin, “Hey, did you see my flag this morning?” Which is the National Anthem equivolent of “Have you seen my baseball?” Retarded.

Now I know we all like singing it in the shower. Just incase we get the call to open for the Superbowl or something. I understand, when I’m soapin up the old cock and balls I’m usually singing Oh the Ramparts we WASHED were so gallantly streaming, too. I wash them ramparts like a patriot. But let’s be honest, the song is whack and hard to sing. The melody comes from a British drinking song for christ’s sake. We deserve better than that America!

Everything before “and the rockets red glare” is ancillary. Get rid of it. All we want to hear about is the rockets and the bombs anyway.

I bet you didn’t even know that our anthem is only like a 1/4 of the actual poem Francis Scott Key wrote. And the rest of it sucks, take my word for it. I don’t want to play just the tip with our National fucking Anthem. No fuckin thanks, Francis.

What war was The Star Spangled Banner written in, the war of 1812? What a stupid war. Is that the war from Last of the Mohicans? Nobody even knows what year that war happened in, and it’s named after the year it was fought. Shits dumb. The Anthem should be based on the Revolutionary War, or at least a war people know about. This is like if our Anthem was based on The Bosnian War of the late 90s. Like, what Bosnian War? Exactly.

People have only been singing the National Anthem at sporting events since like 1994 and shit. The tradition isn’t that deep. And if you think about it, you wouldn’t even know the National Anthem if it wasn’t for sports. Girls don’t know it. Go ahead, ask your girlfriend or your mom to sing the Anthem. They don’t know it. Cause they don’t watch sports. So really, I don’t think it’s that big a deal if we change it. I got your back Christina Aguilera.

What should the National Anthem be? I’m a big fan of God Bless America, mainly because of Kate Smith and Flyers Playoff hockey. Or the Louis Armstrong version of America. If we do that one, I think we should all be forced to sing it in the Louis Armstrong voice. But first we gotta ask Maurice if we’re allowed to do black voice. I also like Hulk Hogan’s theme song, I am A Real American. Also, i kinda always liked O Canada, maybe we can just steal that and change it to A Merica. We need more drums, definitely. I’m not sayin’ Will I Am should produce the Anthem, but basically Will I Am should produce the National Anthem. Maybe it can just be a series of USA chants set to the beat of Let’s Get Retarded. That’s pretty fuckin’ American if you ask me.