“In light of the recent events that played out over Twitter this past weekend, I would like to express how deeply sorry and remorseful I am to my family, the Philadelphia Eagles, my fans, and every young person who views me as a role model.”

Also I’d like to extend an apology to my penis, especially. I put you in a position for a lot of your privates business to become public, penis. For that I’m forever regretful.

And to the young people who view me as a role model, remember: make sure you at least know the bum bitch’s name before hitting it raw.

“This is not who I am as a person, nor the image I ever wanted to portray of myself. It’s definitely not the example I want to set for my son.”

Whatever his name is.

“My Twitter account was not hacked.”

So…yeah I’m kind of a liar, too.

“I take full responsibility and I apologize for trying to make it seem like it was not me. Due to my bad judgment and frustration, I allowed a very personal matter to be played out on a social network, of all things.”

Usually it’s on the phone when we get into shit like that. Once it was by carrier pigeon. I was pissed off for weeks at a time.

“It was immature and unprofessional for me to do so and to encourage others to join in.”

But seriously, flood that bitch’s Mentions. She’s lied about being on birth control.

“As a parent, emotions are often magnified when there are stressful and emotional situations concerning them.”

Who’s “them”? My emotions. Even just thinking about them has ME SO GODDAMNED ANGRY.

“I take great pride in being a good father–”

You know, to Whatshisname.

“…and strive to one day be a great one. I’ve always done everything in my means to provide for my son financially, emotionally, and most importantly with my time and heart.”

But most most importantly with money and distance. Can’t spoil these kids by seeing them all the time.

“I am sick over the fact that my actions have caused pain to him and all involved.”

My penis had such a bright future…

“I have decided to handle this matter privately from here on out and I thank everyone for their continued support.”

GO BIRDS! Welcome to the pros, Chip!